Tag: Life

Back to the Grind

Today is my first day back at work since the procedure.  I’m tired and in some pain still.  Primarily because the chair I’m forced to sit in gives too much support in that area.  I have no options or alternatives.

Over the past few years, I’ve become addicted to something that’s really hard to let go of.  Talking to people.  It may sound odd or peculiar but it’s true.  I talk to people from the moment I wake up until the time I go to sleep.  It really has controlled my life.  So I’m really working on cutting that back.  My first step is to cut out the amount at which I speak to others.  I’ve done pretty good at that.  It’s really shown me some things about myself and where I stand in other peoples lives.  The connections I’ve made with others mattered much more to me than it mattered to others, at least their lack of action has proven that to me.

Last night I received a promising call.  A gentleman would like to rent a room in my home.  He wants to sign the lease and move in as soon as my soon to be ex wife and daughter are out.  He should be in town until April or May.  So not long term, but better than nothing.  That’s all I can expect at this point really.   I can only assume my ad on Craigslist for renting out my home will be there in perpetuity, amongst all of the high priced places for $600 a room.

I’m writing in this blog at the moment because my mind wants to get all of these thoughts out, but I’m tired of talking people just to talk.  So I shall broadcast instead.

I miss talking to my wife.  I will totally put the blame on my addiction on her.  It was with her that I would talk all day every day through instant message about our days, while we carpooled together.  It gave us closeness that I don’t think many people understood.  Now that closeness is gone, and even though we still talk there is a irrefutable *thing* in the air that keeps us distant.

I’ve tried all of the online dating sites.  Wow.  It’s appalling actually.  Most of the womens’ entries have along the lines of “I like campfires and fishing, and my kids always come first” with typically a line in there about being tired of games, lies and hookups.  Such an aggressive stance for someone reaching out, no?  It makes a guy like me run for the hills actually.  That’s just the first gate, the hurdle is even messaging most of them as many of the sites require you to pony upwards of $70 a month for the opportunity.  Not money I’m willing to spend.

So I’ve went to my past, and tried to re-forge connections.  I’ve reconnected with a girl (now woman) who I’ve had a crush on since middle school.  Come to find out, she and I are very similar.  Sometimes it’s downright scary how much.  It isn’t the right time for anything more than forging that bond though, as she and I are both badly damaged from relationships.  Which is fine for me.  I’m trying to forget the past by creating a new future.  The more things I can do with the more people, the better I am mentally.

Other than that, the world is pretty dark right now.  The uncertainties in my life are driving me insane.  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to rent out enough of my home to keep it.  If I can’t keep it, I will need to get rid of most of the remaining things of the house and pare down my things until they fit in a room.

So in many ways, I’m not just losing a relationship.  I’m losing everything I’ve spent the last 14 years of my life on.  It’s a bitter pill, but I’m swallowing it because I have no other option.

 

She’s Moved On

6 weeks ago, my partner of 14 years and my wife of 11 filed for divorce.  The reasons are varied, and according to her it’s something that must be done.  I simply see it as giving up.  Giving up on a lifelong vow, giving up on a family, giving up on a relationship and giving up on a person.

I’m not going to go on and on about how she shouldn’t do this, how I want her back, or anything like that because it won’t do me any good.  It’ll only add hurt to a soul who’s been tortured his entire life.

The big reason for the divorce is trust.  We have destroyed that in each other.  Secondly, she no longer loves me.  The why part is hard to digest and hard to explain.  She’s fallen for the charms of another man, one who has just divorced himself.  Rebound anyone?

All requirements for the divorce to be finalized are completed except for a 60 day waiting period and a judges’ signature.  There is no going back.  We have split everything up except for our home of 9 years, which I am trying to save.  Neither of us can afford it on our own.  I am trying to get a couple of room mates to help me pay for the mortgage and utilities, as well as trying to do something to lower the mortgage payment by any means necessary.

If that plan fails, our home will simply go back to the bank and I will be on the other side of that door.  I will be seeking a room to rent, as I certainly cannot afford to rent even a 1 bedroom apartment in this town anymore.  This is the reality of my life now.

People try to help, but many of their words hurt more than help.  Telling me to “love my children” does the opposite of helping me.  I see my children and I see 2 failures in my life.  I see the 2 women who loved me, but decided to love someone else instead.  I see 2 relationships and 2 families that are irrevocably damaged.  I see 2 children who will (and have) have to endure the same things I never wanted for my children, at all costs.  The moving back and forth, the split holidays, the split everything.  Because of that, I feel like I failed them.  I can’t let them know, but that’s how I feel inside.

A lot of people wonder why fathers abandon their children.  It’s just a guess, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a common thought with divorced and separated fathers.  No, I’m not abandoning my children.  Do I want to see them and love them?  Not really at this time, it hurts more than seeing the face of my soon to be ex.  It’s as if I have to remove those memories from my brain in order to move forward, a hard but not impossible task.

I was pretty fortunate as a child, and I believe my children are as well.  The 1 and only thing I wanted for them was to have a “nuclear” family.  The 1 thing I never got.  The 1 thing I’ll apparently never be able to provide them.

Life goes on however, and so will I.

The Brightest Burn Out the Quickest

My father was the person who never gave up on me in life.  Due to his own personal issues, I faced a lot of pain and mental anguish but he was always there and never questioning.  When I became an adult, I made the realization that he was doing the best he could with the tools he had and forgave any transgressions I had.

Me & Dad, Halloween 1985

From as early as I can remember, he was my buddy.  We did everything together.  I formed a lot of myself in his image.  To this day people that knew him even sometimes call me by his name.

He gave me gifts that I still treasure to this day.  The love of the open road, the beauty of music and comedy and I’m just starting to embrace his love of being a people person.

He was an amazing grandparent and loved his grand daughters more than I ever knew he could.  While he was nervous with Taylor, primarily because he never had a daughter. But when Amelia came around, he welcomed her with open arms.  It was a beautiful thing to see them love each other in the way a grandparent-grandchild should.  It was one of the things that actually gave me a deep love for having children.

Dad & Amelia

Dad grew up without a father, and very poor.  While he never spoke with me about it directly, I can only imagine that is why he was such a good father and provider for me.  He always jumped head first into anything I became excited about and would support me in any way doing so.  I often question my own parenting abilities based on his example.

He was a hard working man his entire life, working sometimes 36 hours straight while I was a child.  The last decade of his life he worked in a custodial role at IU at night, while taking film classes at IU during the day.  A passion he had and kept his entire life.  He dreamed of becoming a Stanley Kubrick.  He became a kid with the thoughts of the film making process.  He loved using his grand daughters as subjects for his films.

When I got my first full time job in 8 years, dad was so proud that he made an announcement in front of our family at Thanksgiving.  That would be the last time I saw my father alive.

My stepmother, for whom many of my struggles as a child were caused by did a complete turn and seemed genuine for the first time since I can remember.  She involved me in much of the process, and paid for everything.  She provided me with an inheritance and I am now the proud owner of dad’s truck.  Most of my memories of him were of our times in a vehicle.  So it means a lot to me.

We were never a father/son combo that said “I Love You” to each other much.  It was just always known and didn’t have to be said.  But I wanted to see it and be reminded of it for the rest of my life.  So I found a card that he wrote to me while I was at a camp as a teenager, and got the words he wrote tattooed on my left forearm.

Try to do me proud. This is ol’ Dad signing off. Love, Dad

Looking back, his death was a watershed moment in my life.  It was the moment when I decided that I no longer wanted my mother in my life.  Even though she was the only parent I had left.  It was the moment when I felt like much of the world I had built around me wasn’t as genuine as it appeared.  He was the glue that held many things in my life  together, without him those walls started falling.

Rest in peace dad.  You star was very bright, and I know it’s shining down on me.  I miss you, and will so forever.

I’m Back!

After a very long hiatus, I’m back!

Much has happened in my life, too much to write in one post really.  So I’m going to give a summary of sorts and then expound on the issues.  Writing is therapy for me, and I need lots of therapy right now.

First of all, my wife and I of 11 years are divorcing.  The reasons are varied and many.  It’s the primary cause of the therapy I need, the things I need to get out.  She and I both did things that hurt each other, and destroyed our trust in each other.

Secondly, I got a vasectomy today.  In todays day and age, it’s important for men to take reigns in on their sexuality and responsibility for that.  After a test in 3 months to ensure of it, my baby making days are over.

Last but certainly not least, my father passed away last year in December.  To me it was the beginning of the end.  From there, as the Star Trek quote goes “chakka, and the walls fell.”  His death was really a watershed moment in my life.

I have some motivations to keep my mind off of the emotional and physical pain right now.  I’m trying to save my home.  Neither of us can afford it on our own.  I’ve put the last 9 years of blood, sweat and tears into this home and don’t want to give up on it lightly.  I’ve documented a lot of the work on this blog.  I’m currently trying to find people to rent out a couple of rooms from me.

I’m also trying to rediscover myself.  I gave my all to this marriage and lost the true meaning of me.  I’ve reconnected with my old friends and they have really helped me find the me within.  I miss that guy.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. so eloquently stated, “If you can’t fly run, if you can’t run walk, if you can’t walk crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

My eyes are on just that, when they aren’t full of tears.

Out of Sync

My first semester as a student at Indiana University was very hard on me.  So hard that I became “out of sync” with the world around me, and the normal activities I participated in (including this blog).

Too many events occurred to even begin to try to catch up with one blog post, so I won’t try.  Instead I’m going to mention current events.

This week was the first semester of the spring semester, for which I’ve decided to take some 100 level courses in an attempt to give my mind a break.

I’m also adjusting to some changes in my work schedule, as I now have some very long days.  I work from 7:30a until 10p two nights a week.  While this may sound horrible, it allows me some freedoms.  I don’t work on Wednesdays, and I only work 5 hours on Fridays.  It’s a trade off that I’m willing to pay for.

During the winter break, I was able to catch up on ROX.  I have edited 11 of 24 episodes for the season one DVD set.  I hope to finish editing by the end of the semester, and begin DVD authoring.

The plan is that I will be able to re-connect with my family, and more importantly, my life during this period.

Being Productive

Since April of last year I haven’t worked more than 24 hours in a week.  While over the summer I was plenty busy with home remodeling projects and going to school full-time, I didn’t feel like a productive member of society.

While I’m not technically working full time, I am doing what I can, at 36 hours it’s not as bad as only 24.  I’ve discovered some things about myself that I find interesting.

I’m more productive.  I tend to try to accomplish more tasks and goals opposed to when I had more time, it seems strange but also interesting.

I have better self esteem.  While I am tired, both mentally and physically, I feel better about myself which helps my motivation for things above.

I am lucky in the fact that both of my positions allow for me to work on my homework while there.  I guess it’s an advantage of working in the world of academia.  I try to take advantage of this resource as much as possible.

I was thrown into the world of “work” at an early age, 14.  That’s when I got my first job cleaning tables and doing dishes at Gresham Dining Hall at IU.  I enjoyed the work, but didn’t enjoy the atmosphere.  Boys can be just as bad as girls at that age.

I guess age and maturity have changed my outlook since then.  I want to work, it’s just been impossible to find a job.  I hope that with time and with my blossoming skills, I will be able to find a position that pays me what I’m worth.

Going Back to the Darkside

After a call from PC Max regarding my computer, I found out some financially crushing information.  My computer is officially dead.

The motherboard will not respond, I’ve had problems with it since I bought it off of eBay.  I’ll never trust ASUS products, this motherboard was a headache from the word go.  They also said that my video card was starting to show signs of going as some of the capacitors are starting to mushroom.

Their recommendations where to replace it with an “upgrade box” which essentially replaces all the internal parts.  This would have ran about $450.  I built the computer for this cost.  Plus this would be like throwing more money into a big money pit.  As I’ve written about previously, I’ve replaced the motherboard, replaced a hard drive and went through 5 power supplies on this machine alone.  I’m not sure if I work it too hard, or if I’m having some bad luck.

After making some tough choices, we decided to purchase a Dell Optiplex 760.  There are many advantages to purchasing this, but there are some disadvantages.  I will outline them below.

Advantages:

  • 3 year warranty opposed to standard Dell 1 year warranty
  • If any problems happen, I can bring it into TS for service
  • Business class machine that should hold up to whatever I throw at it

Disadvantages:

  • Can only hold 2 hard drives; I currently have 4
  • More costly than building a machine
  • Pushes back my anticipated purchase of a MacBook Pro

While the disadvantages do not outweigh the advantages, they are something to think about.  This machine also has a Intel processor, something I haven’t had since 1995 which was in my first computer, a 486DX2 running at 50mhz.  Since then I have switched to AMD for their better price points with unequaled performance.  I just hope this machine is as good as my old one was.

It’s specs are:

  • Core 2 Duo running at 3.06ghz
  • 4gb of DDR2 ram running at 800mhz
  • 320gb boot hard drive
  • 16x DVD-RW drive
  • 16 in 1 Media Card Reader (for SD/CF and other types of flash memory)
  • On-board video with a digital video adapter card – a good system that is used at IU

I am not purchasing a monitor, keyboard, mouse or any other peripherals with this to save money.  I have all of these items, and don’t really need new ones.  Dell is currently saying I should receive it by September 3rd.

My plan is to buy a new 1.5tb hard drive to replace the space I use on 4 hard drives.  This will let me have the space I need and want via an internal hard drive.  I’m going to sell 3 of those hard drives to try to recoup the cost.  I also need to buy an adapter to get the information off of those old drives.

I’m going to keep my old machine and eventually buy a new motherboard and processor.  It will be my Linux box.  This will also be an addition to all of the extra tax write-offs we will have this year.  With a new child, remodeling my business space and a new computer, we should have a nice tax refund next year.

Dad-da

I’ve got some mighty big news to share.  I’m going to be a father for the second time in my life.

We found this out several weeks ago, but wanted to wait until the first appointment.  We didn’t want to tell the world, just to tell them that there are problems and so on.

The news has been both shocking and exciting.  It means I have many things to do around the house in preparation for the new child.

I have to remodel our downstairs to move my office down there.  I then have to remodel the new nursery to make it hospitable for a child.

There’s much to be done, and the clock is now officially ticking.  The due date is October 6th – I believe.

No Matter What

I will achieve a degree.

Starting school again has become a mini-series of drama in itself.  My past has finally caught up with me to make it hard to go to school.

I started going to Ivy Tech State College in the fall of 1999.  Here it is the beginning of the spring 2009 semester and I have only attained 3 credits towards a degree.

The reasons why are various and run the gamut.  The main reason why is because of opportunity.  Whether it be a job, or just a reason to leave.  I was sure to find it, and find it quick.

This is the 4th and last time I am enrolling in a particular math course, MAT050 – Basic Algebra.  If memory serves me correctly, this course wasn’t hard – but engaging the last time I took it.  This time, it’s almost an insult to my intelligence.  Our first homework assignment – adding negative numbers.  This course is so easy that you have to want to fail, just to fail.

School was never a good time for me, but the good time that I did have was while in high school.  I took my math courses at IU, the county school systems did not offer calculus or finite yet.  But since I never used those tools, they have been lost just like an angel’s share of whiskey.

This is where the drama comes in.  Since I have enrolled and withdrawn as many times as I have, I am on what’s called Financial Aid Termination.  Meaning I cannot receive financial aid, and since our household income is above some imaginary number that only changes when you ask for help, the state will not help either.

So this time, it has to come out of our pockets directly.  But there are specifics, I must take at least 6 credit hours (2 classes) and get a grade of C or better in both courses.  If not, I will still be on “termination.”  If I achieve this I will be switched to Financial Aid Probation because I have shown the college that I am trying.

I am also appealing this decision regarding financial aid.  This process includes counseling with an academic advisor, a letter to the college explaining all withdrawals and F grades.  Also giving reasons as to why this should be appealed.

Even after through all of this, I still want to go.

No matter what I will attain a degree, and the sooner the better.