That’s what my body is now waving. I’ve been going through what I can only call a period of hell. One where my body screams at me constantly. With my only real escape being sleep (when I’m able to get it).
My prescribed pain medications are no longer working. Chiropractor visits are effective for a few hours. This large inversion table in my home merely takes up additional space, providing no relief.
Due to that, I have finally given in to undergoing a surgical procedure on my spine. I’ve done everything non surgical twice just to be sure. It will be a great “Christmas” present to me, as I am having it on December 23rd.
If you read my blog, keep me in your thoughts. I’m tired of surviving, and want to get back to living again.
For many of my generation, that word will forever be tied to a scene from the sitcom Friends.
I am speaking about a different kind of pivot here though. I recently pivoted my career.
Since 2008, I have worked at Indiana University in one way, shape, form as a IT support provider. For the last seven and a half years I have been the Senior Technology Support Technician for the IU School of Medicine-Bloomington.
I will forever be appreciative of that role, not just for what it provided but what it gave in return. The connections to people I can only call heroes, and the ability to afford to live in this world on my own; something many today cannot do.
Over time however, the role and the place became less friendly to a person such as myself. I was given more and more responsibility, yet when asked about an increase in my salary I was given an angry meeting with my director stating “I would never receive another pay raise.”
While the bad times had calmed down, other events happening around me told me that the environment I was in was much like the dinosaurs. The person I literally looked up to, the person I eventually was able to become professionally quit. He professed publicly on social media that he had been bullied and couldn’t stand it anymore. He then moved to New Orleans.
I was also in a position where any increases in salary were questionable at best. A change in my title would be required. So I was stuck. Do I sit and take what is given? Or do I find a new challenge that will let me expand my skills and potentially my paycheck? Employment has always been a hard subject for me, especially attaining it.
I was in luck however, as a friend told me about a job that was opening up. I reached out to the person that held the position, who gave me a great deal of information of the duties involved. I applied, and interviewed. It took a while, but I was the choice of those in the hiring committee.
It’s a large change for me, as the position is a salaried role versus the hourly lifestyle I have lived all my life. I will be receiving my first full paycheck from the position at the end of this week.
The official title is Business and Database Systems Analyst for The University Graduate School. There is no roadmap or solid tasks for the position. Each day is a learning opportunity. Many have told me that it takes about 8 months before they really know what they are doing.
In the meantime, I am also offering limited support to my old job which has thrown the vast majority of my workload onto the Nursing IT Pro, which I tried my best to keep from happening.
I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the place and the people that provided me a family when I felt as if I had none. The place that provided me opportunity at the exact time when I could have become homeless.
Now it is on to new goals, new challenges in my professional world.
If you follow this blog, you may wonder why it’s been so long since there have been any new posts made. There are several reasons, but primarily because my entire household has been dealing with COVID for the last three months.
At first it was the youngest of the household, Kira. She had been sick for a while but none of us suspected COVID. Then the following day, I began to have post nasal drip and a sore throat. I tested positive on a home test, and proceeded to be in a state of semi conciousness for several days. As soon as I felt safe enough to drive I scheduled a PCR test at CVS. It confirmed what we all knew.
This silly variant would not let go of my body. For a period of 3 weeks I would travel to the same CVS to get the same PCR test every few days. I did not want to be a cause of spread, even though the FDA recommendations as well as IU’s were to quarantine for 5 days, and you were free to return to activities if you had no fever for 24 hours.
Then, our Queen was hit with it. Already dealing with sickness and pains that had kept her in bed for months; she was to stay there some more. She however, decided to seek treatment where I and her daughter did not. She received the anti-viral mediciation Paxlovid.
Our Queen is special you see. If there is a side effect, she usually receives it. If it can be an allergen, she probably has an allergy to it. This makes any situation with health related issues difficult at best.
Thankfully she took it in stride for the most part, she was unable to take her medication for anxiety and had a weird taste in her mouth due to the Paxlovid.
We are all for the most part better now. Kira seemed to pickup another cold of sorts, and Lyndsey and I continue to carry on with our various back and other issues due to the case of getting old.
Who started out so young and strong only to surrender.
I grew up thinking I was born in the wrong time. The music, the things, the surroundings I had were not always of the age I was in. Music of the 60’s and 70’s filled my life instead of the music of the 80’s and 90’s that I was living in. To this day I’m typically twenty years behind musical changes.
My father always told me he that “saw” me in several songs from his youth. Jackson Browne’s “The Pretender” being one of them. He never explained it any further, and so I will be spending the rest of my life trying to solve the riddle he left me with.
Fate gave me a gift however, as two days prior to him coming to the area I discovered, and immediately purchased some decent seats to his show. Had dad still been with us, I would have taken him. I ended up asking 3 people, eventually going with an old work friend. I may have upended her plans for the evening, but who really wants to go to the gym over a concert?
We hadn’t seen each other in the flesh for around five years. So it was good just to be in the same space with each other again.
Back to the subject at hand, there are two lyrics that I think I’ve nailed down that my father saw in me:
“Caught between the longing for love And the struggle for the legal tender” “I’m gonna be a happy idiot And struggle for the legal tender”
I have to say, my father wasn’t necessarily wrong with his findings of his less than 10 year old son. One of my largest struggles has been the balance between love and struggling for that legal tender. Happy however? That’s one descriptor that has never suited me or my personality.
As a now almost forty two year old, the same things can be said about me. But my old mans impression of his boy will forever stick with him.
I shot a few snippets from the show, but this is the only song I shot fully. I only hope I continue to make my old man proud. I hope that he sees me from wherever he is and is proud of all that I’ve had to overcome since he left us. I hope he is proud that his son still doesn’t give up to the challenges put in his life.
In the end, these seem to be the lyrics that have pinned me, much like my old man:
“Gonna pack my lunch in the morning And go to work each day
And when the evening rolls around I’ll go on home and lay my body down And when the morning light comes streaming in I’ll get up and do it again, Amen Say it again, Amen”
It’s been three months since I’ve written in my blog, and to me that’s a genuine dis-service. Life has not been easy on me for a few months. Between my back issues, increasing and ever present tensions at my employer across the board, and some financial difficulties, I just want to hide.
And so that has been a lot of my life as of late, hiding. I go to work because I would lose everything I have if I didn’t. But then? Then I hide away. Spending much of my time in my bedroom either asleep or with something on my TV while I doze in and out of consciousness.
Spoon Theory is a good metaphor for how I feel.
The things that used to be easy, take much of the finite amount of energies I do have. I have been doing a lot of looking within as of late, and I don’t like what I see.
I’m writing this blog post early on a Saturday morning while I give technology assistance for a series of talks being given by pediatric healthcare professionals, one of which being my own pediatrician who was also the pediatrician for my own daughters.
The first part of the week was extremely difficult on my body, still primarily in significant amounts of pain from my still not completely but partially diagnosed problem. The department I work for remodeled two office spaces. While they hired moving and setups to move the equipment out, they wanted me to move it all back. Sigh.
So I got to work on Monday, and spent most of the week ensuring it was all done. That said, in their grand plan they didn’t consider the infrastructure that was also needed to be moved during this remodel. Since I wasn’t even consulted about any of this, a new and ever increasing trend, I am going to let them lay in the bed they made. I had to run a cable across one room so a computer would have network access.
A office, created from what was open space
Then, the real bang for the week. I seem to have become a “figure” in the county’s continued fight against Annexation by the city of Bloomington, which I have written about before: https://lee-lawmaster.com/no/ https://lee-lawmaster.com/a-nail-in-the-coffin/
My township trustee typically places her official communications to community members on the social media site NextDoor. On one post in particular, many were asking about how we can take the next (and final step) in fighting annexation, taking our case to court as we are allowed to by law. I use the word “we” metaphorically as I am not a member of any areas that are being annexed. Several asked about the creation of a go-fund-me as a common place to donate funds to hire counsel and get the process started.
This is when my “man of action” senses took over, and I made one. I then told all in that thread about it, providing them the link and told them to share. It has kind of blown up.
The township trustee said we would need a minimum of $10,000 to hire counsel, so I set the goal accordingly. I have heard from several in the business community who want to provide large donations as well. Per state law, if the case is sided for the remonstrators, they (members of the class to be annexed) can receive up to $37,500 back for legal fees.
Unaware of what attention this was getting, not seeing any mention of this on any other social media platforms, I reached out to a man I admire. He’s an amazing photojournalist and a self described pirate. He runs a respected news outlet locally that I try to support as much as possible, The Bloomingtonian. He asked for a press release and the wheels started spinning in my mind. I also had a phone conversation with the man that runs B Square Beacon. He said that he would put it in his daily release as a bullet point. I had never spoken or interacted with him before, it was kind of exciting.
I can barely write, now to write a structured document that you spread far and wide? HOW? So I reached out to a hero and friend of mine that knows a thing or two about press releases, Joe Nickell. In his very peculiar yet amazing way he gave me a 101 course on how to write one, including a couple of his own examples. I was off to the races.
Using Joe’s guidance, I wrote it and sent it to both places I previously mentioned plus the Herald Times, our “local” paper that has been taken over by a mega corp. Then I told my friend Michael Leonard about it, who runs The B-Town Bee and is a former long time columnist with the Herald Times. He said he would sic one of his journalism students on me, and HE DID. Gee, thanks there pal.
The Herald Times government reporter wanted to interview me, and before I knew it I was getting texts from an unknown number that was that journalism student. The reporter for the Herald Times said that they are putting a piece together for publication on Monday. The journalism student interviewed me as well, and introduced herself as being with the IDS (the IU Student newspaper) instead of being personal.
I have had almost daily calls with my township trustee as updates to the ongoing situation and feel as if I’ve become a central figure to this. I was just trying to help my neighbors, I love my neighbors and I love the area in which I grew up and live to this day.
I also received an odd email from a person representing a “news” site I had never heard of, The Lawrence County Zephyr. My youngest daughter, who lives in Lawrence county had never heard of it either. I sent him the press release and he published it.
The Gist of It
5 of 7 areas Bloomington wanted to annex received enough petitions for remonstrance to stop it, pending any litigation the city may file due to their believe that a state law that created an expiration date for utility waivers is unconstitutional. 2 of the areas received enough petitions for remonstrance to take their cases to court and be ruled by a judge.
Stolen from B Square Beacon and highly appreciated
State law states the court filing has to be done within 15 working days of the auditors released findings. Hence the rush. This is the only tool my neighbors in 1A have to use to stop this annexation from happening. We cannot leave 1B in the cold, and have been inclusive of them as well.
This annexation has been full of drama, with the state passing a law that was later ruled unconstitutional that stopped it for a few years. It’s also wide swathing with little promises for a big price.
Personally I call it a tax heist, as the tax rates for these areas will in some cases more than double, with those funds going to the city. My own tax rates will rise 26% per a county council member. Many question if any services the city promises will deliver will ever be delivered. This can also remove choice from the table for many people in these areas. The police department is under staffed and under paid, this will add to the stresses they are already facing, creating an even more hostile police force. The public school system that covers most of the county, MCCSC will also lose over 1 million dollars annually, at last I read.
Thankfully in the time period between when the first attempt was stopped and the second began, our township fire departments got together and created a Fire Protection District, which is protected from annexations. Originally the city was going to severely gut these fire departments, which are a staple in the communities they serve. A major factor in my choice to purchase a home where I did was it’s vicinity to a particular fire station.
It has required an increase in property taxes – but one I appreciate. Something the city does not exactly understand. They just put out bonds for millions of dollars and increase taxes on it’s residents to pay for it. Members of the city council have stated that they don’t listen to the people that elected them. I want nothing to do with the city, and showed as such during the first “informational” meeting they held. This meeting was just city hall full of signs, there was no actual meeting.
Over the years, my stepmother has found odds and ends that were my dad’s. When she does, she lets me know about the items and asks me if I would like them. One time she found a bowling trophy, and I definitely wanted it.
While it was sitting on my couch, it fell off onto my carpeted floor for some reason and the pot metal figure broke. What do I do? The trophy wasn’t exactly important, but the information contained on it was to me. It documents a time and age that no longer exists.
I reached out to the Engraving & Stamp Center, which is the only place I know of locally that creates such items. The timing was bad unfortunately, as the COVID-19 Pandemic had just begun, and the climate was strange for just about anything.
I made an appointment, and we found a figurine that was almost identical to the original one. I was told I would get a call back when it was done, but didn’t hear anything back until yesterday.
My father’s bowling trophy – restored
It’s not a large trophy, my own baseball trophy is larger. It’s the words on the plate that matter more.
WESTINGHOUSE MIXED 82-83 HIGH GAME HDCP . -285 RICHARD
Westinghouse was the company my father worked for from 1969 until 1999 when they shut down. He was 6 months shy of receiving a full retirement when they closed, and spent the rest of his life trying to get “something” of those 30 years he spent there as an employee.
My maternal grandmother and grandfather worked there as well, with her retiring shortly before they closed, and he passing away on his job in 1988.
The name Westinghouse doesn’t mean much to most anymore, but it will always hold a special place in my heart. The income derived from the positions my family held with the company provided us with a decent life, a life that didn’t worry about where we would get our next meal, or if we would have a roof over our head.
Locally, they produced power distribution equipment, such as lightning arrestors.
My father has a different award regarding what they produced at the factory, this is more about the community that was found in the blue collar side of my home town.
They all had bowling leagues, softball leagues and I’m sure other sports leagues that included their own fields on company property and comradery that I haven’t experienced really. RCA and OTIS even had Christmas events for the children of employees, where each child got to meet Santa and receive a Chistmas present.
When I was 12, my mother was working for General Electric (one of the other large manufacturers in town, that I would eventually work for) and was playing in their softball league. She recruited me to help with her team. This was my first experience first hand with the social lives of the industrial workers in the area. I was told that I would be playing for the C-83 team, not knowing a thing about the organization of large industrial complexes, I took my cubs hat and took a square piece of paper that said 83, displaying C 83. We played a game against C-80 (the area of the plant where I would eventually work). It was a great time.
Sure, there are recreational sports leagues for all. There’s just something special when those leagues are with the people you work with. This is the Bloomington I grew up in. This is the Bloomington I miss. This is the Bloomington that made it a small town. This is the Bloomington that it seems to want to forget. This is the Bloomington I will never forget.
In the past several months there have been some significant changes in management at Indiana University, my employer. Changes that are removing all of it’s appeals to persons like myself that rely upon it for their way of life.
There has been some controversy to the hiring of our new president, Pamela Whitten. As the trustees performed some questionable actions that resulted in her hiring. That said, I have no real evidence that any of these changes that from my point of view have become somewhat widespread are linked to her. They are however linked somewhere at the top tier of leadership at the university, it smells of it.
Over the soon to be six years I have been in this position, there have been ebbs and flows to my performance but it has never been in question. Not once. I am the defacto person that others across the state are told to come to if they have difficulties or questions. I have went on trips to other centers to take care of technology issues at the locations which do not have their own IT personnel.
Now however? It appears everything I do is wrong. Communications throughout the department have been cut. Instead of a casual atmosphere where we are all co-workers with our own specific roles, it is now tight lipped. You don’t know who is your friend and who is your foe.
In the last meeting I had with my director, he essentially told me to just shut up and do the job, with a very alpha like attitude. Not a way he and I’s conversations had ever been like before.
There is now an extremely paranoid level of knowing where I am between 7:30am and 4:00pm daily. To the point where I have to place such information, including doctors appointments, sick time or movements on campus on multiple locations electronically.
For the past few weeks, we have begun “stand up” meetings daily. Where each one of us have to discuss what we did yesterday, what we did today and if we have any roadblocks to being successful. For a few years, we have also had to submit a weekly report summarizing the tasks we accomplished. We also have a ticketing system that is integrated with most of the university. A replication and micromanagement that only again, wastes time in my opinion.
The advancement of hostilities towards me seems to only continue at a fever pace, as during my 1 on 1 meeting with my manager today, she had a person from HR in the meeting. This person primarily was just there, I’m not sure of the official reasoning, but it told me everything I needed to hear. Just the presence.
In this meeting, I was told that I say too much in my emails and communications with others, while at the same time being told that I don’t communicate enough. That I “have” to be available on Skype for Business, Microsoft Teams and Slack from 7:30am until 4:00pm Monday through Friday. That any and all reasons why I am not in the office needs to be on my calendar, which has to be shared or a departmental staff calendar. That I need to have “standard” hours going forward, something that has never been discussed.
With the issues in supply chain right now, receiving needed technology equipment, such as docking stations and monitors has been impossible at best. I was then told that I need to update people at minimum every two weeks on the status of this equipment. There are items I have been waiting 4 months on. To send 8 emails telling people “I don’t know when I will receive” your (insert thing here) seems to be micromanagement at it’s best.
After being informed of all of these wrongdoings that I did not have any knowledge about, my manager then asked me if I had any questions. I learned a very long time ago when HR is involved, the only play is to not play at all. They are not there for you, they are there for the company they represent. I was for the most part, silent during the entire meeting. I do not know if it was recorded or not.
Mind you, all of this is being instigated by our new Financial Director, who has only been at the job for 3 months. She speaks to my manager and director about all of this. Do they become supportive of me? No, it’s quite clear that this is information a person 1 pay grade lower is not privy to, even though it’s directly about him. It’s quite clear that my actual leadership does not care.
My manager then went on to tell me that while many people in my position feel “alone” that we are not, and then went on a diatribe about how since we are now a part of UITS we have more doors opened to us. While at the same time, urging me not to reach out to units like UIPO or UISO – which are units of UITS.
At the same point in time, I am dealing with a back injury. Something I have never had an issue with in my life. I have not been able to get proper healthcare partially due to the pandemic and partially due to my VNS implant. The stress of both of these has sent me into both physical and emotional turmoil.
I don’t know where life will lead me from here. I was in a place where I felt secure in the future. Right now I don’t know if I will have a job tomorrow.
These games that are being played on me by management and leadership are pushing me to both my emotional and physical limits.
I went to IU to get away from this. The real world treated me like this, while my time at IU has never been sunshine and roses I have never felt “less than” those I work with, those I support, those I look up to. I sure do now.
At the same time I am being inundated by emails from the university mentioning how important mental health care is while at the same time I am having my mental health destroyed by IU itself. Something has got to give. A coordinator and Associate Director has already resigned. The Associate Director a MD, told me she no longer felt as if her voice mattered.
It’s been a while since I’ve written, in this very public online journal of sorts that I’ve kept since 2006. A journal that has been the primary influence of improving my writing and reading skills beyond the rudimentary levels I was provided by my local public school system.
So much has changed since I last wrote. A disk in my back has decided to give me immense pain that only sleeping or laying in bed seems to resolve. A mountain of issues cropped up on my Jeep. My job has done a 180 on me, with two people resigning at this point, and I’ve had several computer jobs pop up on me.
Much like the Bowie song, I feel under pressure. Tremendous pressure.
About a month ago, while doing nothing out of the ordinary I seemed to have slipped or herniated a disk in my lower back.
Working at the school of medicine has it’s advantages, as I have a wealth of information at the ready. When this happened, I was meeting with one of my MD faculty members, assisting in the countless and newfound quirks in this new building.
After standing up from my desk, I began feeling an immense amount of pain in my lower back, of the burning kind. I continued on my way to meet with the faculty member, who noted that my back looked “too straight”. I think he was referring to my lumbar region.
The next day, the pain in my back was gone. Instead I had severe pains in my upper left thigh and hip when I put any weight on my left leg. It made me feel as if I needed a new hip. I could barely stand the pain. 2 MDs and a PHD (she writes the Anatomy text book) agreed, I had a slipped disk that was pinching a nerve. Located somewhere in the L4 or L5 region of my spine. Even sending me a handy-dandy graphic from her textbook.
I got on the horn with my primary care physician who got me in rather quickly. She prescribed me some oral steroids, and told me to call back in a week if I wasn’t feeling any better. The steroids definitely helped but the pain was not gone. I called her office after a week, and have yet to hear anything back.
On the recommendation of one of my MD faculty members, I then reached out to my Neurologist. I was able to get in rather quickly by seeing their nurse practitioner. She advised physical rehab and stated that I would be contacted regarding scheduling. I have still not heard anything.
I have been using my girlfriend’s TENS unit, and she ordered an inversion table which recently arrived. They are the only things that have provided any sort of relief.
