For the past two weeks I have kept going back to this Taylor Swift song.
The key part being this verse: “I should not be left to my own devices They come with prices and vices I end up in crisis (tale as old as time) I wake up screaming from dreaming One day I’ll watch as you’re leaving ‘Cause you got tired of my scheming”
On Sunday April 7th, 2024 my fiancée and partner of almost 8 years left me. She’s cited various reasons that I won’t be listing here.
Just to restate some lyrics from that song, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me At tea time, everybody agrees.”
I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m not writing this as a victim of loss. I’m writing this to get public thoughts out.
I have a problem listening to those I love. Especially those called “the love of my life.” I failed to respect her feelings, losing her heart, soul, and love. Our friendship got lost along the way, and I feel that played a major role in her decision to leave.
I must and will better myself, and for myself. I will be seeing a counselor very soon. I am working on resolving my longstanding back issues. I am going to the gym and doing my best to lead an active lifestyle compared to how my life has been over the last three years. I’m reading like I never have before, trying to improve myself and to learn more about why things went how they did so I may avoid this ever happening in the future.
I am using my support network and creating new connections and looking forward. Life is a hard mix of optimism and sadness. Like many things however, this too shall pass.
Last week was Amelia’s spring break. I decided to take her on a trip I took her mother on many years ago. To the great white north! And white it was, the ground was covered with snow when we got there and the temps were in the 30’s.
We stayed 2 days on the New York Side, 2 days on the Canadian side, and then made our way to Dearborn Michigan, where we went to The Henry Ford Museum and Rouge Factory Tour. Something my uncle was going to go with us to, but unfortunately passed away before we were able to. He was with us in spirit.
It was the most boring FLW home I’ve toured, minus one detail. A sculpture in the conservatory. Which I purchased a smaller version of. Her mom and I went to many FLW homes, including Fallingwater and were foundation members for a few years.
The view from our hotel room in Canada was glorious. Making it not needed to do many things along the gorge that most do.
We did go to the Journey Behind the Falls experience, something her mom and I also did.
While there, I had to pickup some Cuban cigars. Something that was strictly not allowed during my first visit. I must say, they are the best tasting cigars I’ve ever had in my life. Well worth the price.
I’m quickly running out of these “take her on trips I took her mom on” trips. There’s only 1 left, and that is Fallingwater & the Flight 93 memorial. I hope Amelia is able to look back on these experiences with just me and appreciate them as she becomes an adult.
October 23rd, 2022 was a grand day for Star Trek, Bloomington & The Janeway Collective. On that day, Kate Mulgrew kept the promise she made on October 24th, 2020 when The Janeway Statue was unveiled.
Kate Mulgrew’s Beautiful Smile
On that cold, socially distanced day in 2020 she made a promise that she would come visit, and that it would be a great day. She was right.
The stars aligned and we were able to have an event with Kate. So many questions had to be answered, so many problems solved to make it happen however. Unfortunately, with my back problems and job change I hadn’t been able to give what I gave to the unveiling.
Event space near the statue was expensive, prohibitively. But the old Woolery Mill, that has been revamped by One World Enterprises wasn’t. It was out of town compared to the statue and other options, but it was overly welcoming. It was there where we held an event titled “A Conversation with Kate” which was a sell out, with close to 500 in attendance. The maximum occupancy was 520.
Kate had a long day that day, driving all the way from Iowa where she is from. Arriving at the statue I’m sure she was a combination of tired and excited at the same time, as we had roughly the same audience size in attendance as we did for the unveiling. There was also plenty of media there, from Indiana Public Media, to The Bloomingtonian, our own crew that was recording and streaming the goings on via Facebook, and a few others that I didn’t know or recognize.
While at the statue, Kate gave a speech and then took some photos. Due to the size of the crowd, and an angry older lady with a walker – the situation quickly became one of fear of the security of our esteemed guest. So I, our security team and other members of the collective quickly formed a bubble and whisked Ms. Mulgrew away.
Kate and I – Photo by Jeremy Hogan
We then proceeded to the event space, where I had helped do some setup. The event began with The Nerdy Flutist, who had also played at the statue before Kate arrived. She and her friends had made some videos on Tik Tok. It was then that I knew we had to invite her for such an event. I’m very happy the collective continued my motivations.
When she was done with her set, Kate made her way to the stage. I’ll never forget Kelly’s words on the experience for her. As Kate bowed to her, it made her feel appreciated, it made her feel seen and loved. And loved she is, for just being herself.
The Captain Applauds The Flutist
After the event, we had a private dinner with Kate at The Irish Lion. I was told only the board would be present, but we had some other guests including said flutist, who sat next to me. She felt like she was in a dream that she didn’t want to wake from, and I was so happy for her. I told Kate about how the place we were having dinner was featured on the TV show Cheers, which she was on several times. It was a great day, and a great evening.
In many ways, it was the dream realized for the rag tag group of people that got together in 2019 wanting to build a statue for “our” captain.
That’s what my body is now waving. I’ve been going through what I can only call a period of hell. One where my body screams at me constantly. With my only real escape being sleep (when I’m able to get it).
My prescribed pain medications are no longer working. Chiropractor visits are effective for a few hours. This large inversion table in my home merely takes up additional space, providing no relief.
Due to that, I have finally given in to undergoing a surgical procedure on my spine. I’ve done everything non surgical twice just to be sure. It will be a great “Christmas” present to me, as I am having it on December 23rd.
If you read my blog, keep me in your thoughts. I’m tired of surviving, and want to get back to living again.
Almost two weeks ago I received a call from my uncle in Michigan. It was bad news. My aunt Marty was in the hospital and it didn’t look like she would recover.
Marty flippin’ my dad the bird, circa late 80’s.
I told him that I would be there the next day. After clearing things with my new job, I hit the road. A journey I hadn’t made in eight years. Shortly behind me was my girlfriend. She stayed behind as we were not sure if Amelia wanted to come.
My favorite sign from their house.
My aunt and uncle moved to Michigan in 1995 from Greenfield, where they had the largest house I had ever stayed in. Their employer had been bought out and they were offered jobs in Detroit, or they could find new jobs and stay. They decided to go.
My dad’s trusty Blazer with my uncle showing off his new house.
She worked in the branches eventually becoming an Associate Vice President of the bank before her retirement. Always firey, always full of attitude. I know why my uncle fell in love with her.
She has a son, who was on Jeopardy at one point. In all these years, I’ve yet to meet him however.
I arrived; and my uncle and I immediately went to the hospital. It was bad. I was suddenly confronted with the reason why I missed out on several family members passing. After going through what happened with my grandfather, I could no longer go to such situations. I had to, my uncle suddenly had no other family. He needed someone to be there for him; and I was going to make sure he wasn’t alone.
Sadly, my aunt didn’t make it. Her condition only eroded until she passed away on 9/11/2022 at 5:30pm.
Her attitude, her voice and her humor formed the basis of why I love women the way I do. Her ferocity towards all things are why I love women who refuse to apologize for being their honest selves. I had no other symbols of female power as close to me as she was in my family.
I will forever miss you Marty. You made this little boy love women just like you.
For many of my generation, that word will forever be tied to a scene from the sitcom Friends.
I am speaking about a different kind of pivot here though. I recently pivoted my career.
Since 2008, I have worked at Indiana University in one way, shape, form as a IT support provider. For the last seven and a half years I have been the Senior Technology Support Technician for the IU School of Medicine-Bloomington.
I will forever be appreciative of that role, not just for what it provided but what it gave in return. The connections to people I can only call heroes, and the ability to afford to live in this world on my own; something many today cannot do.
Over time however, the role and the place became less friendly to a person such as myself. I was given more and more responsibility, yet when asked about an increase in my salary I was given an angry meeting with my director stating “I would never receive another pay raise.”
While the bad times had calmed down, other events happening around me told me that the environment I was in was much like the dinosaurs. The person I literally looked up to, the person I eventually was able to become professionally quit. He professed publicly on social media that he had been bullied and couldn’t stand it anymore. He then moved to New Orleans.
I was also in a position where any increases in salary were questionable at best. A change in my title would be required. So I was stuck. Do I sit and take what is given? Or do I find a new challenge that will let me expand my skills and potentially my paycheck? Employment has always been a hard subject for me, especially attaining it.
I was in luck however, as a friend told me about a job that was opening up. I reached out to the person that held the position, who gave me a great deal of information of the duties involved. I applied, and interviewed. It took a while, but I was the choice of those in the hiring committee.
It’s a large change for me, as the position is a salaried role versus the hourly lifestyle I have lived all my life. I will be receiving my first full paycheck from the position at the end of this week.
The official title is Business and Database Systems Analyst for The University Graduate School. There is no roadmap or solid tasks for the position. Each day is a learning opportunity. Many have told me that it takes about 8 months before they really know what they are doing.
In the meantime, I am also offering limited support to my old job which has thrown the vast majority of my workload onto the Nursing IT Pro, which I tried my best to keep from happening.
I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the place and the people that provided me a family when I felt as if I had none. The place that provided me opportunity at the exact time when I could have become homeless.
Now it is on to new goals, new challenges in my professional world.
While Amelia and I were spending a week away, I noticed a large disparity in the gas mileage my vehicle was achieving.
The vehicle in question, a 2012 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited Rubicon
Normally, I get between 15-16mpg in this tank. It doesn’t matter how I drive, or the kind of road I’m on, those are the numbers. The only time that has ever changed has actually been for the negative. If I push it on the interstate and go over 75mph, my mileage will plummet to as low as 13mpg.
Normal mileage readings from my app.
But the opposite happened. My gas mileage increased to 19mpg. Most of my driving was highway/interstate driving. It has me puzzled.
Courtesy the app I use to track my automotive expenses.
The only thing I can think of would be the difference in terrain. The area around Indianapolis doesn’t have many hills.
Who started out so young and strong only to surrender.
I grew up thinking I was born in the wrong time. The music, the things, the surroundings I had were not always of the age I was in. Music of the 60’s and 70’s filled my life instead of the music of the 80’s and 90’s that I was living in. To this day I’m typically twenty years behind musical changes.
My father always told me he that “saw” me in several songs from his youth. Jackson Browne’s “The Pretender” being one of them. He never explained it any further, and so I will be spending the rest of my life trying to solve the riddle he left me with.
Fate gave me a gift however, as two days prior to him coming to the area I discovered, and immediately purchased some decent seats to his show. Had dad still been with us, I would have taken him. I ended up asking 3 people, eventually going with an old work friend. I may have upended her plans for the evening, but who really wants to go to the gym over a concert?
We hadn’t seen each other in the flesh for around five years. So it was good just to be in the same space with each other again.
Back to the subject at hand, there are two lyrics that I think I’ve nailed down that my father saw in me:
“Caught between the longing for love And the struggle for the legal tender” “I’m gonna be a happy idiot And struggle for the legal tender”
I have to say, my father wasn’t necessarily wrong with his findings of his less than 10 year old son. One of my largest struggles has been the balance between love and struggling for that legal tender. Happy however? That’s one descriptor that has never suited me or my personality.
As a now almost forty two year old, the same things can be said about me. But my old mans impression of his boy will forever stick with him.
I shot a few snippets from the show, but this is the only song I shot fully. I only hope I continue to make my old man proud. I hope that he sees me from wherever he is and is proud of all that I’ve had to overcome since he left us. I hope he is proud that his son still doesn’t give up to the challenges put in his life.
In the end, these seem to be the lyrics that have pinned me, much like my old man:
“Gonna pack my lunch in the morning And go to work each day
And when the evening rolls around I’ll go on home and lay my body down And when the morning light comes streaming in I’ll get up and do it again, Amen Say it again, Amen”
It’s been three months since I’ve written in my blog, and to me that’s a genuine dis-service. Life has not been easy on me for a few months. Between my back issues, increasing and ever present tensions at my employer across the board, and some financial difficulties, I just want to hide.
And so that has been a lot of my life as of late, hiding. I go to work because I would lose everything I have if I didn’t. But then? Then I hide away. Spending much of my time in my bedroom either asleep or with something on my TV while I doze in and out of consciousness.
Spoon Theory is a good metaphor for how I feel.
The things that used to be easy, take much of the finite amount of energies I do have. I have been doing a lot of looking within as of late, and I don’t like what I see.
I purchased a new dishwasher, which led into me replacing my kitchen floor. I didn’t want to put this nice appliance in with such a hideous floor, one that had been there since quite possibly the mid 1980’s.
I take pride in my abilities to do manual labor, but my body has been saying no to such ventures more and more to the point where I just need to stop trying and start giving into what my body is telling me.
The existing floor is (or should I say was) was compromised of two layers of linoleum. Full of bumps and holes and all of the bad parts of the 80’s. I first wanted to go with a classic black and white checkerboard look. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a supplier that had what I was looking for that was as durable as I wanted. That’s when I made the choice to upgrade to tile, an area that I’ve never worked in before.
We found a tile we liked, and since my girlfriend’s place has a tile kitchen I knew I wanted it to have a heating system. So I pulled a very expensive trigger.
Mittens in LTR or Leather finish
I wanted to do the prep work, so they could just come in and lay the tile. I “thought” I was proceeding properly, but learned yesterday I was wrong. Part of our contract was for me to remove the appliances, trim and ensure the subfloor was at least 5/8″ thick. I missed a little detail though. They wanted it to be in OSB.
The subfloor of my entire home is comprised of what is commonly called chipboard. It’s essentially dust from woodworking that’s glued together and compressed to form a dimensional, workable piece of wood. It has a couple of real negatives. Water will cause it to disintegrate, and it isn’t as solid as other forms of sub flooring, something needed and in most cases required for tile.
My first step in preparing the area was to remove the way the water line for the ice maker was configured and install a “box” in the wall for it. Oddly, while doing this I discovered that someone had already drilled a hole for this purpose but never completed the task. Someone had just drilled a hole in the floor and ran a line through it.
I will fix the additional space I had to cut below after the tile is installed
Last weekend, I began the real preparations as I thought they would be. My neighbor helped me pickup some 4’x8′ sheets of 1/4″ luan plywood. This is commonly used to make flooring smoother or increase the thickness of the floor. I was using it for the latter purpose.
I removed all of the appliances, sans the dishwasher and was going to begin on removing the existing flooring on Saturday morning. I woke to discover my wonderful girlfriend had removed the vast majority of it while I was sleeping.
Her at bottom, her daughter at left
We both felt that the lower layer of flooring was much better looking than the one above it. I wonder why they put new flooring down that was less durable and definitely not as visually pleasing?
I took all of the old stuff downstairs, and cleaned the floor. We noticed some spots seemed to have black mold on them, probably from water leaks over the years. So I bought some mold killing sprays and sprayed them down.
Then I brought that luan up and called it a night. I only had 1 day left, but those activities alone had taken all the strength I had out of me. My injured back was also screaming at me.
So I laid 2 sheets of the luan down, removed the dishwasher and thought they would just lay the rest of the luan down. Boy was I wrong.
Now I’ll be spending roughly $500 more on this project, not due to what I did – but because of what my body couldn’t do. Something my soul used to love doing. My soul needs that harmony back in in some way. I just need to learn the lines of what I can and cannot do.
