Deep Thoughts – lee-lawmaster.com

Of Mice and Men

I never read the book, but I did see the 1992 film that’s roughly based on it. I’m starting to feel a lot like Lennie as of late. I seem to be excellent at ruining any good things I have in life through actions that seem harmless to me. The results of my actions never bring good things, the things I hoped. They always bring the opposite.

The world is becoming more dark, and more scary to me lately. I don’t know what to say about it, but it makes me want to hide in my shell and never come out again. That is my current plan.

I had to say goodbye to a friend who’s been a breath of fresh air and at times the only person to give me a dose of reality. Her husband has decided that he no longer wants to be a man, and in turn no longer wants her. She came here for him, and this morning began the journey all the way across the country to where she came from. I’ll miss her greatly. I didn’t get to actually see her much, as our schedules just didn’t sync that much, but our talks were always a great motivator for me.

My motivations in life are currently focused on saving my home. People are over rated at this point. My hangup is that my connections to others have always made me feel whole, like a regular person. I need to learn to love the freak I am within. I shall drown my sorrows in whiskies and Netflix. It’s a good distraction, and distraction is the only thing that is going to help me through life at this point.

I don’t need to change myself and “be” something for someone. I don’t need to look for someone, I don’t want to anyway. It just really hurts when being yourself is given the same negative reactions that caused me to be anti-social in the first place.

My biggest hangup is that I honestly don’t know what makes “me” happy anymore. I gave everything of my being to my marriage. What made me happy was to see my wife and children happy. To bring them happiness, made me happy. I’m loss as to how to change that.

So there you have it. I feel like a socially awkward, mentally disabled 35-year-old who kills the things he loves the most. I’m emotionally damaged to the point where I can’t understand how that can possibly change.

I have to learn how to live with that or it will destroy me.

Today’s Been a Good Day

To give props to Ice Cube, I haven’t had to use my AK because today has been a good day.

I woke myself up this morning via my alarm clock. Something I haven’t had to really do in many years, as my wife preferred to wake me up. It was nice to feel her hand touch me to let me know the morning was here, time to get ready for the day.

I’m starting to appreciate the things that I no longer have. It hurts my soul tremendously.

I came to work, and it’s been a good day so far (still have 4 hours). I have a couple of errands to run after. I’m not stressed, I’m not highly emotional. I’m in a state that’s hard to describe at best.

The best thing I can do at this point is remember the good times, and try to forget the bad ones. I’m losing the best thing that has ever happened to me. They say when one door closes another one opens. For me, this has never been true. It’s always been a situation where I’m trapped in that room until I can find a way to get out of it.

I’m trying my hardest to not be trapped. That’s what has made today a good day.

UPDATE: Of course I was being way too optimistic in my post. I ended up getting my theoretical AK out, and we had a full on argument. I think there is much built up inside the both of us, and knowing the fact that neither of us like to argue – we go all out over IM. The wise part of me knows that no healing will begin until we get those frustrations out, whatever the outcome may be.

Rants

I’m in a mood to just get a lot of things out. They may not be clear thoughts, they may not be proper thoughts. They are however my thoughts. My mind destroys me at times, I’ve been told it’s a common Scorpio trait.

I’ve had 2 serious romantic relationships in my life. In those relationships, the female was always very quick to take the lead on just about everything. I just seemed to be there for the ride. Hindsight is 20/20, but it’s definitely a part of the equation in the breakdown of my marriage and previous relationship.

My love affair with technology is too much for women to handle at times. Why? My computer never judges me for not earning enough. My computer never makes me feel like a bad father because X, Y, or Z are doing things with their children that I do not. If you want to make me feel judged, I will hide. My flight instinct is the strong one.

Going back to hindsight, I should have divorced her when I discovered her secret email account containing her relationships with other men. Of course I couldn’t though, because I loved this woman with everything of my being. So stupidly I offered an open marriage as a choice. Not because I wanted to but because I’m horrible with ultimatums.

I’m still paying the price for that decision. I will be doing so for the rest of my days.

I should have never became paranoid that she was going to leave me, the present is proof of it. This turned me into a monster of epic proportions. Key loggers, hidden cameras, constant surveillance. I used my IT skills for evil for the first time in my life really. It became a cat and mouse game. I just wanted to ensure I got the truth. I still firmly believe I’ve only gotten half-truths since I’ve given up my ways.

That’s the other part of the equation in the break down in our marriage. It’s hard for either of us to believe a thing the other says.

Today has been somewhat heated between her and I for some reason, and I’m not exactly sure why. Is it the culmination of all of these things floating around my brain? Possibly. Is it the fact that I feel very alone in the world right now? More than likely. It’s come to the point where a bad interaction is better than no interaction at all.

I’d rather have a fist fight than make love. It’s sad, but it’s what has become of me.

The 5 Stages

I’ve been thinking about the Kübler-Ross model for stages of grief, it has 5 of them to be exact. I didn’t really go through that with the loss of my father. He lived a good life, and I was proud of him as a person. The biggest problem I had was the loss of his presence. He gave me comfort.

With the divorce however, I have definitely seen myself slide through those stages.

Denial

I was in denial for a long time. Years to be exact. She did many things that I was in denial about. But did I ever think she’d actually file for divorce and be so head strong about it? It still blows my mind. There is nothing to deny now however, it’s all a matter of record and it’s pretty obvious that the feelings she once had for me have resided.

Sadly my candle of hope lingers on. There is a big piece of me that wonders if she’s just checking other yards to see if the grass is greener, or has an urge to dip her toes in the pool of men in the world. Time will tell us all.

Anger

The easiest of emotional states to be in. I still get triggered from time to time. Right now, I feel as a failure, not just to two children and to a wife but to myself. Then to add another person to the mix who can slide right in and do all of those things we did as a family? That’s below the belt in my book, but he’s just a “friend.” I’ve threatened to kill people, I’ve pondered committing suicide. It’s so easy to go there. It’s blown me away how easy it is to think these thoughts during such a hard time. My mind is very much like the Billy Joel song “I Go To Extremes.” For me it’s always been a defense mechanism. You know if I care about something if I get angry about it because I fight for it.

Bargaining

I still do this from time to time. As I’ve said previously, I’ll always want her back. I will be married to her in my soul forever. I still tell her that too, hoping she will say something similar and justify what I have just said. I never get direct answers however, just enough to make my addictive personality want another fix. There really has been no real bargaining, just dealings with an emotional terrorist of sorts.

This will stop swiftly I’m sure, as her words have a way of calming me but her actions do the opposite. There’s no reason to bargain with someone who is actively making these choices.

Depression

I currently reside in a state that bounces between this stage and the final stage, acceptance. I definitely have my fair share of good days, and bad ones. I had my first shower in 5 days today! Why be clean when you have no one to be clean for? Why be a good and productive person when the reasons for doing so no longer exist? I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad lately, as he was about the same age as I and I was about the same age as Amelia when my own parents divorced, 5 months difference to be exact. (That factoid REALLY hurts my soul) What would dad have done? The only things I have to motivate me are my technology, my home and my job and the status of one of those things is questionable. For a person whose only dream in life was to be married and have a family, it’s like being the king of a kingdom of 1.

Many have told me to seek counseling. I actually had a few months of counseling in the spring, and stopped when she decided she wanted to “try” again. I’ve had so many years of counseling in my life that I’m not sure how it would help at this point. Psychological tools won’t help me. Removing the pain and torment through any means necessary will. I think this is a fine time to take up something I’ve had very fine control on most of my life, alcohol.

Acceptance

I’ve accepted the fact that my life as I’ve known it is no more. I’ve been living it for 6 weeks at this point. I’ve accepted the fact that the person I vowed my life to no longer loves me romantically. I’ve accepted the fact that my 6 year old daughter will soon share something with her 16 year old half-sister that I never thought would happen, that I never wanted to happen. A thing that scarred me so badly it caused me to try to get a vasectomy right after my eldest was born (I was refused that by 3 doctors by the way). Something only their father genuinely understands from their perspective. All of those previous statements depress me, and that’s why I’m in an if statement with no exit strategy at the moment.

Vows

We all have vows we make. To others, to ourselves and to higher powers.

To me there has only been 1 vow that meant anything in my entire life, my wedding vows. I said them before an audience of friends and family in a church where 3 generations of my family were married.

It was an event I looked forward to my entire life, and was indeed worthy of what I had imagined. Yes guys think of their wedding day. They may not plan it like women do, but they certainly have ideas.

Not to turn this personal blog into a place for political discussion and opinion, but marriage as a social issue has been a big-ticket item lately. The 1 thing you don’t hear about are those who follow through on the “til death” part, even if they do end up divorced. My grandmother did that, and I am doing the same.

Just so it’s clear, I’m going to all caps bold proclaim it. I AM NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN*

You’ll notice the * there. The reason you ask? It’s simple, I vowed my life to 1 person. She may not feel the same anymore, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. But if at any point in time she decides she wants me back into her life, I cannot do anything but welcome her back with open arms. Why? Because again, I vowed my life to her. She holds a spot in my heart and soul right next to my children for the rest of my life.

Just because she doesn’t hold those words she spoke to me as in high of regard as I do, doesn’t give me the right to throw them away as she has done.

Many have said that this will cause any potential love interests to run away. If so, they aren’t the right person for me. If I end up alone for the rest of my life, that is how I shall be. This is how important that vow is to me.

Right now, I feel as if I wasted my vow. Hope is a dangerous thing however, and there is a candle of hope deep within that is burning for the memory of those vows we said to each other on August 14th, 2004. I only hope that she feels the same.

A Different Summer

This summer is going to have a big change of pace for me.

My wife is expecting our first child, and I am remodeling our basement & a nursery. I am also going to school to finally get an education that I’ve been working on for a decade.

We’ve decided that I shouldn’t work this summer. This is easy due to my academic year positions. Instead I am going to focus on my education and try to cram as many summer courses as possible.

Even though I have been working on this degree for a decade, I’ve only achieved 3 credit hours towards my degree. This may sound astounding, but my educational history has been filled with disappointment.

I’m going to take 5 classes, with one of them being online. I’m very nervous about this online course, as I took one several years ago and failed it. It was the same math class that I am doing very well in right now. The class in particular is Introduction to Microcomputers, something I could sleep through. I will be nervous about this until I get a few assignments in.

Here are the classes:

CINS-101 – Introduction to Microcomputers
ECON-101 – Economics Fundamentals
COMM-101 – Fundamentals of Public Speaking
IVYT-107 – Professional Presence
HIST-101 – Survey of American History I

It’s a total of 13 credit hours, a big load for someone who hasn’t went to school full time since 1997. All of these classes are in my general education requirements for a CINT (Computer Information Technology) degree. After completion of these courses, I will only have 2 other gen ed classes left.

I’m excited and scared as hell at the same time. I wasn’t lucky enough to have a “real” college experience. I think this will give me a piece of it. I don’t think I will have the availability to do this again, with the impending arrival of my second child.

Must Find Happy Place

Nothing seems to be going right lately. The things that normally bring joy to my life have disappeared or are disappearing. It’s hard to wake up in the morning when you don’t have a lot to look forward to. The only thing I have currently that brings some potential light at the end of the tunnel are my classes.

Education is sought after more than skills at this point. At least in my experience. I learned this the hard way and it’s really doing a number on me. There was an opening at my job in Technology Services at the Kelley School of Business. It’s almost exactly what I do, with a few other added responsibilities. I’ve been here just one month shy of a year now and I thought I would be a good fit. The only caveat, they wanted someone with at least an associates degree which I do not have.

They must have thought I was a good fit as well, because I almost immediately was asked for an interview. It went extremely well. I thought it was only a matter of time before the job would be offered to me. Then my boss’s boss wanted to speak with me, it was regarding the position. They offered it to someone who had “more rounded experience.” They said she “can give a different perspective that nobody else in the department can.” While I understand they have to do what’s best for the department and not myself, it didn’t hit me until today – the day she started.

There is really nothing I can do to make myself happy but continue my education and hope to find something someday. The only real issue bugging me is that I know that day won’t come soon enough.

This on top of all of the other issues I’m facing. I need a new computer & printer, I am on a deadline for remodeling the basement and old “office.” I need to start planning a summer job or load up on classes for the summer semester and get a large student loan to cover the lack of income.

I feel like I haven’t moved forward at all, but just taken a few dozen steps back since I started on my own back in 1999.

My only solace at this point is my love affair with ROX and computers in general. The computer doesn’t care about how much money I make or any of the other human conditions.

If only life were this simple.

Another Mish-Mosh

There have been many things going on lately. With the holiday season and new years over, I’m reflecting on all the activities we’ve been pre-occupied with.

Christmas, as always is a very complicated time for us. We went to 3 family events, my grandma Lawmaster’s on the 23rd, my in-law’s on the 24th and my memma’s on Christmas day. We then had “after” Christmas get togethers for my daughter, who spent her Christmas with her mother.

Rachel and I finally stopped schmoozing off of my mother for our cell phone service and got our own plan. We decided to switch back to AT&T, due to a 12% IU discount, and cheaper plan. I finally got a smart-phone, a Samsung Blackjack II while Rachel decided she liked a red LG Shine. It was very interesting to go through this process again. We haven’t been officially on a cell phone plan for 4 years. While researching how much this would cost us upfront, the difference in how much and where was astounding.

On the AT&T Premier website (dedicated to business & enterprise): For the mentioned phones, we were looking at about $325.00 in up front costs. We would receive a $50 mail in rebate in the form of a debit card.

For the same phones at Best Buy, $50! I’m not kidding. I was blown away. The only difference is that we had to set up our IU discount separately, which just took a phone call.

We painted our bedroom finally, it’s a nice yellow hue. When mentioning it to people I tell them that the color is what you would get if you mixed yellow and brown mustard. It looks real nice, now onto the curtains. Hopefully they will be nice.

I will be starting school next week. I am entering the CIT (computer information technology) program at Ivy Tech. Within a few years, I should have a degree in a field I love, which can hopefully help me attain some real employment.

The Long & Short of It

Tomorrow is our 4th wedding anniversary. Much has happened since that wonderful night in Bedford.

We didn’t really do much for our anniversary last year, so this year we are at least going out to eat at a nice place.

Rachel will have a surprise in store for her as well.

Sometimes it seems like we’ve been married forever, but then I look at people like her parents and B & XY and realize we’ve only just begun.

Coming from a broken home, I try as hard as I can to ensure I don’t fall into the same trap my parents fell into. My father has been married to someone he hates for 21 years. My mother has been married 3 times, she’s said that she’ll never get married again, and so far has kept up with that statement.

When I see the differences in our upbringings, I realize why I am the way I am, and why Rachel is the way she is.

Sometimes it makes me depressed that I wasn’t as lucky as her, but then I realize that I wouldn’t be who I am without what I had to endure.

Rachel, you are my rock! Without you, I’m not sure exactly where I’d be right now. I love you.

The Cat is Out

Last week I sent an email to the entire ROX blogging crew, asking if they liked apples.

I was very surprised as to the response I got.

B is very curious about what my plans are, and even told me about a particular type of apple he enjoys.

MF told me that she isn’t particularly an apple person, but I have another idea which she might enjoy just as much.

J and Kelly both told me that they love apples and can’t wait to see what they shall receive.

I can’t hold this little secret any longer, so the cat is out of the bag folks’.

This is my apple tree. When we first moved into our home, it looked like an overgrown bush. With much trimming, I’ve turned it into a “happy tree” as I like to call it. We’ve only had one harvest due to an ice storm last February. My mother-in-law came and took all of those apples, which I didn’t mind.

We’ve been checking the apples every week to see if they are ripe. They aren’t yet, but once they are your packages will be in the mail.

This year is a different story, as I want my ROX family to enjoy the fruits of my trees’ labor as well. All of you have been like a family to me, in one way or another. This is the least I can do to thank yall.

I don’t know the type of apple that grows from this particular apple tree. They are green, medium to small sized, and quite tart. They are best used for baking purposes. My thought, send everyone a “apple crisp in a box kit!”

I also plan on sending Kelly and MF ROX Season Zero sets as well.

It bothers me that my search for help with this heat damage problem has led me nowhere. Sometimes you have to find your own solution to problems, which is what I’m working on. With the help of Photoshop for Video, I have learned a few things. I hope to soon have the skills to correct this damage, and continue on my way of saving this beloved show for generations to come.

This show enlightened me in those key teen years. It wasn’t about the drinkx, or the drugz, it was about keeping your mind open to new and unusual things. Something that is still lacking in society today. If I hadn’t stumbled upon J&B on the ROX playing on BCAT oh so many years ago, I very well could be in prison or dead by now. Many who know me well, know that my life has been nothing but a story of hardship and overcoming seemingly impossible hurdles. It will all be in my book.

I know I’m repeating myself, but this is the least I can do to thank everyone who participated in the show, whether as an active participant, or as a passive person who was just there when the camera was rolling.

I came into this as merely a fan, but I’m treated as if I’m a family member. Words cannot describe how amazing that feels.