Tag: Dad

Four Years

It’s been four years since my father passed into the afterlife.  It’s almost hard to believe when I think about it.  Time stood still for me for quite some time after that tragic event in my life story.  He was the man I admired, he was the man who conquered all.  Most importantly, he was the man I wanted to be when I grew up.  With him gone,  I didn’t have that example to turn to.  I didn’t have that voice telling me to “quit getting the cart before the horse, son.”  It rattled me to my core.

I had to start over in life, figuratively speaking.  Financially and career wise my life is in the best place it has ever been.  But emotionally?  It’s a tough tale.  That’s where I’m still picking up the pieces.

I try to look at when my grandfather passed, and how my father coped as a guidebook.  My dad, did everything he could – including trying to get a 21 gun salute for him.  Emotionally, that’s where my dad seemed to be a black hole however.  He wasn’t very talkative about how he felt about the situation surrounding my grandfathers death.  I know he wasn’t happy with the “family” decisions that basically led to his untimely passing, but that was all I got out of him.  When it came time to write dad’s obituary, guess what I copied?  My grandfathers.  Dad had written it.

His urge to make the trip to Oklahoma lessened after that.  He became more about life here, his granddaughters and his First Baptist family.  He became the de facto caretaker of his mother, my grandma.
His love for me?  It never faltered.  It never failed.  It only blossomed over the years.

So why do I feel stuck in an emotional labyrinth?  Why?

Each and every day I feel tormented.  Not by the loss of patriarch of my family, but by the feelings of helplessness with my daughters.  I don’t feel like I give them enough of me, enough time to enjoy things with their dad, or enough adventures with the man they look up to.

Each and every day I fight it.  I try to do something, reach out.  SOMETHING.  But it never feeds the torment, it only seems to expand it.

I have been embraced by a wonderful, yet crazy family.  One that sees me for who I am, and doesn’t give me too hard of a time about it.  It helps, but only takes me so far.  My experience with the “blended family” situation has not been the most idealistic.  I hear this is a common situation.  I often feel much more at ease when I am solitary.  I think I pushed the healing of my losses, and still need that time.

In the end, I have a roughly set plan for how I want my life to be from here on out.  The loss of my marriage and the loss of my father taught me this.  If it isn’t going how I want it, I will make it that way, no matter what the costs or consequences are.
The torch has been passed, not in a way I wanted it to.  It is now up to me on how to handle and direct this sect of the family to proceed.  I just have to pull myself up by my boot straps and take care of what needs done.

That is what I’m having trouble with.  I’ve never been one to proclaim what I want, or expect anything.  It’s part of that humble nature.

The 5 Stages

I’ve been thinking about the Kübler-Ross model for stages of grief, it has 5 of them to be exact.  I didn’t really go through that with the loss of my father.  He lived a good life, and I was proud of him as a person.  The biggest problem I had was the loss of his presence.  He gave me comfort.

With the divorce however, I have definitely seen myself slide through those stages.

  • Denial

I was in denial for a long time.  Years to be exact.  She did many things that I was in denial about.  But did I ever think she’d actually file for divorce and be so head strong about it?  It still blows my mind.  There is nothing to deny now however, it’s all a matter of record and it’s pretty obvious that the feelings she once had for me have resided.

Sadly my candle of hope lingers on.  There is a big piece of me that wonders if she’s just checking other yards to see if the grass is greener, or has an urge to dip her toes in the pool of men in the world.  Time will tell us all.

  • Anger

The easiest of emotional states to be in.  I still get triggered from time to time.  Right now, I feel as a failure, not just to two children and to a wife but to myself.  Then to add another person to the mix who can slide right in and do all of those things we did as a family?  That’s below the belt in my book, but he’s just a “friend.”  I’ve threatened to kill people, I’ve pondered committing suicide.  It’s so easy to go there.  It’s blown me away how easy it is to think these thoughts during such a hard time.  My mind is very much like the Billy Joel song “I Go To Extremes.”  For me it’s always been a defense mechanism.  You know if I care about something if I get angry about it because I fight for it.

  • Bargaining

I still do this from time to time.  As I’ve said previously, I’ll always want her back.  I will be married to her in my soul forever.  I still tell her that too, hoping she will say something similar and justify what I have just said.  I never get direct answers however, just enough to make my addictive personality want another fix.  There really has been no real bargaining, just dealings with an emotional terrorist of sorts.

This will stop swiftly I’m sure, as her words have a way of calming me but her actions do the opposite.  There’s no reason to bargain with someone who is actively making these choices.

  • Depression

I currently reside in a state that bounces between this stage and the final stage, acceptance.  I definitely have my fair share of good days, and bad ones.  I had my first shower in 5 days today!  Why be clean when you have no one to be clean for?  Why be a good and productive person when the reasons for doing so no longer exist?  I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad lately, as he was about the same age as I and I was about the same age as Amelia when my own parents divorced, 5 months difference to be exact.  (That factoid REALLY hurts my soul) What would dad have done?  The only things I have to motivate me are my technology, my home and my job and the status of one of those things is questionable.  For a person whose only dream in life was to be married and have a family, it’s like being the king of a kingdom of 1.

Many have told me to seek counseling.  I actually had a few months of counseling in the spring, and stopped when she decided she wanted to “try” again.  I’ve had so many years of counseling in my life that I’m not sure how it would help at this point.  Psychological tools won’t help me.  Removing the pain and torment through any means necessary will.  I think this is a fine time to take up something I’ve had very fine control on most of my life, alcohol.

  • Acceptance

I’ve accepted the fact that my life as I’ve known it is no more.  I’ve been living it for 6 weeks at this point.  I’ve accepted the fact that the person I vowed my life to no longer loves me romantically.  I’ve accepted the fact that my 6 year old daughter will soon share something with her 16 year old half-sister that I never thought would happen, that I never wanted to happen.  A thing that scarred me so badly it caused me to try to get a vasectomy right after my eldest was born (I was refused that by 3 doctors by the way).  Something only their father genuinely understands from their perspective.  All of those previous statements depress me, and that’s why I’m in an if statement with no exit strategy at the moment.

 

The Brightest Burn Out the Quickest

My father was the person who never gave up on me in life.  Due to his own personal issues, I faced a lot of pain and mental anguish but he was always there and never questioning.  When I became an adult, I made the realization that he was doing the best he could with the tools he had and forgave any transgressions I had.

Me & Dad, Halloween 1985

From as early as I can remember, he was my buddy.  We did everything together.  I formed a lot of myself in his image.  To this day people that knew him even sometimes call me by his name.

He gave me gifts that I still treasure to this day.  The love of the open road, the beauty of music and comedy and I’m just starting to embrace his love of being a people person.

He was an amazing grandparent and loved his grand daughters more than I ever knew he could.  While he was nervous with Taylor, primarily because he never had a daughter. But when Amelia came around, he welcomed her with open arms.  It was a beautiful thing to see them love each other in the way a grandparent-grandchild should.  It was one of the things that actually gave me a deep love for having children.

Dad & Amelia

Dad grew up without a father, and very poor.  While he never spoke with me about it directly, I can only imagine that is why he was such a good father and provider for me.  He always jumped head first into anything I became excited about and would support me in any way doing so.  I often question my own parenting abilities based on his example.

He was a hard working man his entire life, working sometimes 36 hours straight while I was a child.  The last decade of his life he worked in a custodial role at IU at night, while taking film classes at IU during the day.  A passion he had and kept his entire life.  He dreamed of becoming a Stanley Kubrick.  He became a kid with the thoughts of the film making process.  He loved using his grand daughters as subjects for his films.

When I got my first full time job in 8 years, dad was so proud that he made an announcement in front of our family at Thanksgiving.  That would be the last time I saw my father alive.

My stepmother, for whom many of my struggles as a child were caused by did a complete turn and seemed genuine for the first time since I can remember.  She involved me in much of the process, and paid for everything.  She provided me with an inheritance and I am now the proud owner of dad’s truck.  Most of my memories of him were of our times in a vehicle.  So it means a lot to me.

We were never a father/son combo that said “I Love You” to each other much.  It was just always known and didn’t have to be said.  But I wanted to see it and be reminded of it for the rest of my life.  So I found a card that he wrote to me while I was at a camp as a teenager, and got the words he wrote tattooed on my left forearm.

Try to do me proud. This is ol’ Dad signing off. Love, Dad

Looking back, his death was a watershed moment in my life.  It was the moment when I decided that I no longer wanted my mother in my life.  Even though she was the only parent I had left.  It was the moment when I felt like much of the world I had built around me wasn’t as genuine as it appeared.  He was the glue that held many things in my life  together, without him those walls started falling.

Rest in peace dad.  You star was very bright, and I know it’s shining down on me.  I miss you, and will so forever.

Half a Decade

Five years ago tomorrow, I became a husband.  While I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into back then, I actually appreciate it now.  Five years really doesn’t sound like much, but it’s an accomplishment in today’s world.

Throughout these years, Rachel and I have accomplished many things together.  We bought a house, she got her master’s degree, I lost my job and now our newest adventure, our first child.

Our lives before each other were as different as night and day, but our beliefs have kept us close in many ways.  I think it’s the core reason why our bond has lasted.  It’s a case of opposites attracting.  Our bond has done nothing but grow closer over time, something I hope doesn’t end anytime soon.

We will be celebrating our 5th anniversary with a trip down to French Lick.  We’re going to spend a night at the French Lick Springs Hotel and perhaps do a little gambling.  The traditional gift of the 5 year anniversary is wood.  While the trip is our gift to each other, I have to break the rules and buy a present.  While I can’t say what it is yet, I know she will be pleasantly surprised.

I hope to get a chance to relax, as I haven’t had much time to do that in a while.  School starts back up in 11 days, and I’m back to work at TS full time right now, but that will be scaled back to 24 hours a week at the end of the month.

Today is my father’s 58th birthday as well, I called and left him a message this morning.  I hope he got it.  I love you dad.

August is a very busy month for us.  My father’s birthday on the 13th, our anniversary on the 14th and Taylor’s birthday on the 26th.