Family – Page 4 – lee-lawmaster.com

Sixty Seven

August thirteenth. For many, it’s just a normal day. Some years, it’s the dreaded “Friday the 13th.” But for me, it’s my father’s birthday. A day of eternal celebration. Sixty seven years ago, my father was born, at a soon to be decommissioned hospital where me and my children were also born.

That’s me, and that car is only a couple of years old.

From the beginning of my memories, he was my hero. My dad and I were like peanut butter and jelly. Good by ourselves but better together.

I only regret the times that in hindsight I could have spent more time with him but didn’t due to “marital obligations.”

I’m only thankful that his passing has given me guidance on what is important in life, and those are the ones you have, the ones you love.

I have almost every one of his worldly possessions. Some of which are valuable, some of which are not. His clothes are being transformed into quilts for me and his granddaughters. His vehicles are at my house. The thousands of pictures and video he shot over his lifetime are in the process of being digitized. I just need to find a good way to share them with the family – for input on who/what/where regarding a lot of them.

Happy birthday dad, I’ll be forever missing you.

What were you doing in 1968?

1968. It was a big year in the United States. I only know of it from second and third hand accounts, due to being born in 1980. Little did I know however, how important the events of that year and the sixties in general were to my fathers worldview.

A few months ago, the newspaper from the town my father grew up in said they were looking for him or his ancestors. He had placed something in a time capsule that would be opened. How exciting! Why did he never tell me of this thing?

https://www.tmnews.com/shared/free-access-letters-from-the-past/article_a87c9572-762c-11e8-9011-f3a2214ef675.html

That day was the start of 3rd grade for my youngest daughter. As soon as I got her contact information, I emailed her explaining the importance of this event to our family and that I would be taking her from school early to attend. My oldest daughter is out of school, but working. She got permission to leave work early to attend as well. I wanted them to be present.

The small meeting room, where the time capsule would be opened was over crowded. The three of us crawled onto the floor and kneeled on the floor between aisles to see it be opened. The event was also live streamed on Facebook.

The tears started flowing as soon as dad’s envelope was called out, with my youngest daughter handing the envelope to my oldest. We left the room to get some space. We were then video taped as I read the letter. I tried but couldn’t keep composure of the words a sixteen year old version of my father wrote.

The contents of the envelope were a typed letter, two newspaper clippings and a post card. I came to tears when I saw the post card. Whenever I would travel anywhere – he would say the phrase “send me a postcard.” Which I did, often.

The newspaper clippings were from both of the assassinated Kennedy brothers, lying in state. His letter primarily spoke of the Kennedy’s. I’m attaching a scan of that letter for the world to see. My daughters and I are continuing this trend, and will be adding something to a new time capsule to be opened in 2068. We will see if I make it. Dad’s letter closes with “see you in 2018.” It broke my heart, and brought my oldest daughter to tears, as he didn’t get to see us.

The loss of him from our lives still breaks our hearts, and forever will.

One Year

Today marks one year since I’ve seen my father alive. It was at our annual family Thanksgiving celebration, which I’ve been told by my uncle has been happening continuously since the 1950’s.

Here’s the last photo I took of my father, acting in only the way my father did, he’s the one on the right.

That’s him proclaiming “something” to my uncle Larry. He was always so social, something I really didn’t understand until I went through this divorce.

This year really changed as far as our family gathering are concerned. It’s compromised of a gathering of clans of our family. 3 to be exact. This year one of those clans decided to go on their own, which reduced the number of people by half or more.

At first there were questions as to whether it would happen or not. With all of the things I’ve lost in life this year, it really concerned me. This was really the last thing I counted on in life left.

Fortunately, it did happen. For that, I am thankful. I am also thankful that I was able to share this day with my beautiful daughters. They are the light of my dark life.

When I got home, I had a message from my mother. It’s the first time I’ve heard from her since Valentine’s day. Sadly, I must keep her as a piece of my past. If she even knew what was happening I would not receive any support. I would be greeted with “I told you so.”

What are you thankful for?

Starting Over

As of this moment, I’m basically starting over in life. Not a move I wanted to make, but I digress.

I’m starting with my girls. My first mission is to revamp what is now their space. I just purchased a very nice bunk bed for them and will eventually have their room stocked as it should be. My now ex-wife took everything of my youngest daughter’s except for her toiletries. I’m not asking for them back either, like a phoenix I will rebuild. Dad’s place will be special to her. The home she came to from the hospital will always be a home for her, even if she isn’t there full time.

Then it’s a matter of building a new identity for myself. I built my adult identity as a family man, but I have no family now. I don’t expect or want a new one either. I’m my own man now. I’m not going to get anywhere by sitting at home like a bump on a log either. It’s not going to help me, it’s only going to hurt me. I need to get out there, unfortunately the peer group I typically hang out with is either 15 years older or younger than me. It works against me in many ways. I need new friends, I need single friends. I need new experiences.

The first step is to blank the canvas that was created in my home. I have a lot (and I do mean a lot) of holes to patch. Once I get that completed, I think my mind can finally start to settle. I’m just having some trouble with motivation.

I have a room mate, and I feel like I’ve won the lottery with this guy. My home is cleaner than I think it ever has been at this point. I only wish he would be here longer, because before you know it he will be leaving for his home in Oregon.

The Things We Do for Those We Love

I had quite the adventure yesterday. My high school sweetheart and mother of my eldest daughter, asked me if I wanted to go out-of-town with her. She and I are on really good terms and due to my situation I’m always looking for a reason to escape. So I agreed.

Her niece, who will always be a niece to me was in some trouble. She was practically being held captive in her baby daddy’s parents’ home. They took her car keys, shut off her cell phone and even made it so she couldn’t access wireless internet from within the home. She was made a prisoner from within the home she’s lived in for the past year.

She has a daughter and is pregnant with their son’s child. Her relationship with him has been on the rocks, and they gave her an eviction notice, effective November 1st. I can’t even comprehend this fully. Is this how you treat the mother of your grandchildren?

When my ex and I were together, it was a tradition of sorts for her and I to watch her (she was under 10 at the time) every NYE. It was weird to be a teenager and feel at ease to play family for a night, but they are fond memories that I genuinely cherish.

She lives almost 4 hours away, so we left my house at 8am and started on the journey. We had lots of talks and connection between the 2 of us. We’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve smoothed them out over the years and are really good friends and co-parents. We still struggle with some things our daughter does (or doesn’t do), but we are proud of the person she has become on the inside. If she would only bring those amazing qualities out for the world to see.

So we get there, and get a uhaul truck and drive to the location where K is staying. I’ll keep her name is as that. We pull into the driveway and one of the homeowners tell us to get off the property, so we oblige. My ex and the homeowner then get into a somewhat heated shouting match. I’m not there to do anything but move stuff, but it’s even stressful on me.

My ex calls the police, and they show up. The guy is from Bloomington and graduated from BHS (when Bloomington only had 1 high school). He then tells us that he knows the homeowners. K comes out, and they lock the door behind her, at first they refuse to let her get any of her things.

Again, I don’t understand.

After a standoff of sorts, things start to come. At first I wasn’t sure how little or how much we would get. We eventually filled an entire uhaul truck. I was kinda shocked at the amount of stuff she had.

We then quickly unloaded most of it into a storage unit K had purchased and then went to dinner with K and the on again off again boyfriend and her daughter. My ex had them do a birthday thing for me (which embarrasses the hell out of me) but it was quick, and she’s fun. She bought me dinner too, I’m appreciative.

By this time it was 6:30pm and the ex and I were on our last bits of energy. We were tired and still had almost a 4 hour drive home. We got to the place where K was going, and had to unload the rest of the truck up 3 flights of stairs. She and I were ruined by that. We dropped the truck back off at uhaul.

I made a big mistake when we dropped the truck off. I had found an 80’s station and this infectious tune came on. I cranked it up and it took all the pain and frustration from the day away for me. I had turned the cab and cargo area lights on so my ex could clean it out, locked the doors and forgot to turn them off. She put the keys in the drop off and we had no way to turn them back off.

We then finally made the journey home. I made it home right around 11:30pm, and took a shower and went to bed.

The lesson here? I had a full day, and I accomplished something. It was selfless, it was for someone I love. I’m starting to really feel like an adult (weird to finally think that at 35, I know). Don’t worry, be happy. It’s a new way to look at life.

She’s Moved On

6 weeks ago, my partner of 14 years and my wife of 11 filed for divorce. The reasons are varied, and according to her it’s something that must be done. I simply see it as giving up. Giving up on a lifelong vow, giving up on a family, giving up on a relationship and giving up on a person.

I’m not going to go on and on about how she shouldn’t do this, how I want her back, or anything like that because it won’t do me any good. It’ll only add hurt to a soul who’s been tortured his entire life.

The big reason for the divorce is trust. We have destroyed that in each other. Secondly, she no longer loves me. The why part is hard to digest and hard to explain. She’s fallen for the charms of another man, one who has just divorced himself. Rebound anyone?

All requirements for the divorce to be finalized are completed except for a 60 day waiting period and a judges’ signature. There is no going back. We have split everything up except for our home of 9 years, which I am trying to save. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I am trying to get a couple of room mates to help me pay for the mortgage and utilities, as well as trying to do something to lower the mortgage payment by any means necessary.

If that plan fails, our home will simply go back to the bank and I will be on the other side of that door. I will be seeking a room to rent, as I certainly cannot afford to rent even a 1 bedroom apartment in this town anymore. This is the reality of my life now.

People try to help, but many of their words hurt more than help. Telling me to “love my children” does the opposite of helping me. I see my children and I see 2 failures in my life. I see the 2 women who loved me, but decided to love someone else instead. I see 2 relationships and 2 families that are irrevocably damaged. I see 2 children who will (and have) have to endure the same things I never wanted for my children, at all costs. The moving back and forth, the split holidays, the split everything. Because of that, I feel like I failed them. I can’t let them know, but that’s how I feel inside.

A lot of people wonder why fathers abandon their children. It’s just a guess, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a common thought with divorced and separated fathers. No, I’m not abandoning my children. Do I want to see them and love them? Not really at this time, it hurts more than seeing the face of my soon to be ex. It’s as if I have to remove those memories from my brain in order to move forward, a hard but not impossible task.

I was pretty fortunate as a child, and I believe my children are as well. The 1 and only thing I wanted for them was to have a “nuclear” family. The 1 thing I never got. The 1 thing I’ll apparently never be able to provide them.

Life goes on however, and so will I.

The Brightest Burn Out the Quickest

My father was the person who never gave up on me in life. Due to his own personal issues, I faced a lot of pain and mental anguish but he was always there and never questioning. When I became an adult, I made the realization that he was doing the best he could with the tools he had and forgave any transgressions I had.

From as early as I can remember, he was my buddy. We did everything together. I formed a lot of myself in his image. To this day people that knew him even sometimes call me by his name.

He gave me gifts that I still treasure to this day. The love of the open road, the beauty of music and comedy and I’m just starting to embrace his love of being a people person.

He was an amazing grandparent and loved his grand daughters more than I ever knew he could. While he was nervous with Taylor, primarily because he never had a daughter. But when Amelia came around, he welcomed her with open arms. It was a beautiful thing to see them love each other in the way a grandparent-grandchild should. It was one of the things that actually gave me a deep love for having children.

Dad grew up without a father, and very poor. While he never spoke with me about it directly, I can only imagine that is why he was such a good father and provider for me. He always jumped head first into anything I became excited about and would support me in any way doing so. I often question my own parenting abilities based on his example.

He was a hard working man his entire life, working sometimes 36 hours straight while I was a child. The last decade of his life he worked in a custodial role at IU at night, while taking film classes at IU during the day. A passion he had and kept his entire life. He dreamed of becoming a Stanley Kubrick. He became a kid with the thoughts of the film making process. He loved using his grand daughters as subjects for his films.

When I got my first full time job in 8 years, dad was so proud that he made an announcement in front of our family at Thanksgiving. That would be the last time I saw my father alive.

My stepmother, for whom many of my struggles as a child were caused by did a complete turn and seemed genuine for the first time since I can remember. She involved me in much of the process, and paid for everything. She provided me with an inheritance and I am now the proud owner of dad’s truck. Most of my memories of him were of our times in a vehicle. So it means a lot to me.

We were never a father/son combo that said “I Love You” to each other much. It was just always known and didn’t have to be said. But I wanted to see it and be reminded of it for the rest of my life. So I found a card that he wrote to me while I was at a camp as a teenager, and got the words he wrote tattooed on my left forearm.

Try to do me proud. This is ol’ Dad signing off. Love, Dad

Looking back, his death was a watershed moment in my life. It was the moment when I decided that I no longer wanted my mother in my life. Even though she was the only parent I had left. It was the moment when I felt like much of the world I had built around me wasn’t as genuine as it appeared. He was the glue that held many things in my life together, without him those walls started falling.

Rest in peace dad. You star was very bright, and I know it’s shining down on me. I miss you, and will so forever.

I’m Back!

After a very long hiatus, I’m back!

Much has happened in my life, too much to write in one post really. So I’m going to give a summary of sorts and then expound on the issues. Writing is therapy for me, and I need lots of therapy right now.

First of all, my wife and I of 11 years are divorcing. The reasons are varied and many. It’s the primary cause of the therapy I need, the things I need to get out. She and I both did things that hurt each other, and destroyed our trust in each other.

Secondly, I got a vasectomy today. In todays day and age, it’s important for men to take reigns in on their sexuality and responsibility for that. After a test in 3 months to ensure of it, my baby making days are over.

Last but certainly not least, my father passed away last year in December. To me it was the beginning of the end. From there, as the Star Trek quote goes “chakka, and the walls fell.” His death was really a watershed moment in my life.

I have some motivations to keep my mind off of the emotional and physical pain right now. I’m trying to save my home. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I’ve put the last 9 years of blood, sweat and tears into this home and don’t want to give up on it lightly. I’ve documented a lot of the work on this blog. I’m currently trying to find people to rent out a couple of rooms from me.

I’m also trying to rediscover myself. I gave my all to this marriage and lost the true meaning of me. I’ve reconnected with my old friends and they have really helped me find the me within. I miss that guy.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. so eloquently stated, “If you can’t fly run, if you can’t run walk, if you can’t walk crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

My eyes are on just that, when they aren’t full of tears.

Everything Old is New Again

It’s been way too long since my last post. It seems as if I forget about my little corner of the world here and forget to drop in and reflect on my life, which is the main reason for this blog.

At the beginning of last summer, I accepted a position with VICOPS (Collaboration Technologies) at Indiana University. This small department handles all of the videoconferencing/collaboration resources for the entire Indiana University system and outside affiliates. I work for the help desk, where we take telephone and video calls for assistance with issues regarding technologies such as desktop videoconferencing, Adobe Connect, Telepresence, etc.

At the beginning of the fall I was offered and accepted a full time hourly position with them. I no longer have to worry about finding multiple jobs to fill hours. It has been a great relief to my family as well. I never realized how much I actually treasure steady working hours.

I’m only 10 credit hours away from graduating. This semester I’m taking nothing but Informatics and Computer Science courses. Most of these are just introductory courses, which are a cakewalk for someone with my knowledge in the subject.

My business has received a much needed injection of attention. After changing the name from LML Video Services to Magic Media Services, things just died out. I then put a request on reddit for someone to help redesign the logo for my business. I was more than surprised at the results when someone obliged my request. I am now working on redesigning my website, which will be located somewhere on the rox.com domain temporarily.

Rachel and I finally got “grown up” furniture for our bedroom. With the assistance of my neighbor Bill we got a new dresser, chest of drawers, headboard, armoire and night stand. We also purchased a new mattress and box spring, which was needed greatly. Our old, borrowed furniture went back to my grandma who lent it to us over 10 years ago. I can’t thank her enough for the kindness in her heart.

Over the weekend I replaced the first of three sinks in our home. The one in our utility room (they are all exactly the same) started leaking about a gallon of water a day. The drain was rusted out, but I couldn’t replace it as it was seized together.
The shut off valves for the water lines were seized as well. With all of the water problems this area had previously, we knew this was going to be ugly. Since we needed a place to give Amelia a bath while remodeling our main bathroom (which will be happening soon) we decided to purchase a utility sink for the space. 8 hours and 3 trips to Menards later, I was both finished with the project and worn our physically and mentally.

On the ROX side of life, I’m currently downloading the latest finished episode for distribution to CATS. #96 will be on the air soon in Monroe county.

Hopefully I’ll be back soon with more organized and focused posts.

The Tale of Two Cities

We had planned a getaway for Memorial day that was a little quirky and not like us. Little did we know that a tornado would get in the way. Due to said tornado, I had closed myself emotionally. While you could say I had a “good time.” I don’t have any emotions to go along with the trip, something I typically have. My wife wrote a blog post from her point of view, I highly recommend reading to see the contrast in our points of view.

We left as soon as we could on the Friday after the tornado and drove about halfway to our destination, St. Joseph / Benton Harbor Michigan. We stayed the night in Lafayette, leaving early so we could arrive at our destination early.

As soon as we arrived, we learned about these two cities the hard way. There seems to be a strong sense of division. While St. Joseph is a nice, quaint resort community, Benton Harbor shows all of the “what used to be” looks. There are many homes that used to be mansions, but are now dilapidated; some even boarded up. It’s downtown area almost looks like a ghost town from the 1950’s. There is some new growth, but it still feels like a ghetto.

The first thing we did was check into our hotel. It was a pretty funky Courtyard by Marriott. We decided to find something to eat, explore, and just relax that evening. The views from St. Joseph are absolutely amazing. It’s a great little resort community. The whole time I was contemplating about what was happening back home and trying to calm my nerves by smoking copious amounts of tobacco.

Sunday was a mixed bag of not great weather conditions, so the beach was not an option. After having the best breakfast I’ve ever had at any hotel, we headed for St. Joseph. Our first stop was downtown. They have a charming area filled with high fashion shops, and typical small town businesses. They have animal statues on just about every corner, decorated in many different ways. Taylor loved the “Cash Cow,” a cow covered with REAL money. It was of course in front of a bank. My fave was “Vincent Van Goat,” which had a depiction of “Starry Night” on one side and “Irises” on the other.

We then went to the most interesting pizza place I’ve ever been to. Silver Beach Pizza is a pizza place located within an Amtrak train station. I had an ice cold beer and a very good barbecue chicken pizza. It was most excellent!

We then went to the Curious Kids museum. It was fun for both the girls. Taylor enjoyed encapsulating herself in a bubble. Amelia enjoyed the water table, and acting OCD with random items. They’ve ran out of space in the converted brick house they are located in, so with the price of admission you can also access their addition, which is located next to the indoor carousel. We then went there. They have stuff even the adults can appreciate. They have a climbing wall, water tables galore, space items. It was quite fascinating and good stuff. We then went and had fun with the carousel.
We were a bit nervous, as Amelia had never been on one before. She was a trooper, and had a blast. It was good family fun for all!

Amelia’s nap time was approaching, so we headed back to the hotel. Which was perfect timing, as a severe storm approached. After going through the tornado, this was the first time a storm actually scared me.

That night, we played in the pool – all of us. This hotel has a very interesting pool, it has an indoor and outdoor section; you can swim to either section through an opening in a glass wall. We then found an arcade was in a mall not too far away and decided to check it out. What we discovered was a mall that was essentially dead. There were no anchor stores at all. While there were interior stores, there weren’t that many. We played for an hour or so and then went back to the hotel.

The next morning, we stopped at beautiful Silver Beach. The difference between an ocean’s beach and a large lake’s beach is pure calm. It’s an amazing place, with an amazing view. The girls had fun, I put Amelia’s feet in the cold water and she didn’t want to leave! The sand was so fine and plush that we decided to bring home a bucket full. We all have glass jars of it to help remember the experience.

As fun end to our short trip, we stopped at Fair Oak’s Farm in northern Indiana. It’s a large dairy farm that gives tours and offers many learning opportunities for children about where our dairy products come from. We took a bus tour, which takes you through some of their barns to see how the cows live and what they eat. Amelia sat with me, and I told her that these are cows, they go “moo.” She started repeating me, it was adorable. We then saw their carousel milker. It’s an amazing machine that lets them produce vast quantities of moo juice.

We then went to the birthing barn, and witnessed the births of two calves. While I had seen this many times as a child, Rachel and Taylor had not. I think it was a good experience for both of them.

Next we stopped by the kids area, where Taylor got to do something she hadn’t done in a while, jumping on trampolines while attached to bungee cords.

We then visited the store, where I sampled some cheese. We bought some souvenirs for the girls and they had some ice cream.

I had just started to heal from this life changing event, and our vacation was over. Coming home was almost like a nightmare coming true. While it was nice to get away, the mental extremes that it forced me to go through were almost too much to handle.