Vows

We all have vows we make.  To others, to ourselves and to higher powers.

To me there has only been 1 vow that meant anything in my entire life, my wedding vows.  I said them before an audience of friends and family in a church where 3 generations of my family were married.

It was an event I looked forward to my entire life, and was indeed worthy of what I had imagined.  Yes guys think of their wedding day.  They may not plan it like women do, but they certainly have ideas.

Not to turn this personal blog into a place for political discussion and opinion, but marriage as a social issue has been a big-ticket item lately.  The 1 thing you don’t hear about are those who follow through on the “til death” part, even if they do end up divorced.  My grandmother did that, and I am doing the same.

Just so it’s clear, I’m going to all caps bold proclaim it.  I AM NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN*

You’ll notice the * there.  The reason you ask?  It’s simple, I vowed my life to 1 person.  She may not feel the same anymore, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  But if at any point in time she decides she wants me back into her life, I cannot do anything but welcome her back with open arms.  Why?  Because again, I vowed my life to her.  She holds a spot in my heart and soul right next to my children for the rest of my life.

Just because she doesn’t hold those words she spoke to me as in high of regard as I do, doesn’t give me the right to throw them away as she has done.

Many have said that this will cause any potential love interests to run away.  If so, they aren’t the right person for me.  If I end up alone for the rest of my life, that is how I shall be.  This is how important that vow is to me.

Right now, I feel as if I wasted my vow.  Hope is a dangerous thing however, and there is a candle of hope deep within that is burning for the memory of those vows we said to each other on August 14th, 2004.  I only hope that she feels the same.

She’s Moved On

6 weeks ago, my partner of 14 years and my wife of 11 filed for divorce.  The reasons are varied, and according to her it’s something that must be done.  I simply see it as giving up.  Giving up on a lifelong vow, giving up on a family, giving up on a relationship and giving up on a person.

I’m not going to go on and on about how she shouldn’t do this, how I want her back, or anything like that because it won’t do me any good.  It’ll only add hurt to a soul who’s been tortured his entire life.

The big reason for the divorce is trust.  We have destroyed that in each other.  Secondly, she no longer loves me.  The why part is hard to digest and hard to explain.  She’s fallen for the charms of another man, one who has just divorced himself.  Rebound anyone?

All requirements for the divorce to be finalized are completed except for a 60 day waiting period and a judges’ signature.  There is no going back.  We have split everything up except for our home of 9 years, which I am trying to save.  Neither of us can afford it on our own.  I am trying to get a couple of room mates to help me pay for the mortgage and utilities, as well as trying to do something to lower the mortgage payment by any means necessary.

If that plan fails, our home will simply go back to the bank and I will be on the other side of that door.  I will be seeking a room to rent, as I certainly cannot afford to rent even a 1 bedroom apartment in this town anymore.  This is the reality of my life now.

People try to help, but many of their words hurt more than help.  Telling me to “love my children” does the opposite of helping me.  I see my children and I see 2 failures in my life.  I see the 2 women who loved me, but decided to love someone else instead.  I see 2 relationships and 2 families that are irrevocably damaged.  I see 2 children who will (and have) have to endure the same things I never wanted for my children, at all costs.  The moving back and forth, the split holidays, the split everything.  Because of that, I feel like I failed them.  I can’t let them know, but that’s how I feel inside.

A lot of people wonder why fathers abandon their children.  It’s just a guess, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a common thought with divorced and separated fathers.  No, I’m not abandoning my children.  Do I want to see them and love them?  Not really at this time, it hurts more than seeing the face of my soon to be ex.  It’s as if I have to remove those memories from my brain in order to move forward, a hard but not impossible task.

I was pretty fortunate as a child, and I believe my children are as well.  The 1 and only thing I wanted for them was to have a “nuclear” family.  The 1 thing I never got.  The 1 thing I’ll apparently never be able to provide them.

Life goes on however, and so will I.

The Brightest Burn Out the Quickest

My father was the person who never gave up on me in life.  Due to his own personal issues, I faced a lot of pain and mental anguish but he was always there and never questioning.  When I became an adult, I made the realization that he was doing the best he could with the tools he had and forgave any transgressions I had.

Me & Dad, Halloween 1985

From as early as I can remember, he was my buddy.  We did everything together.  I formed a lot of myself in his image.  To this day people that knew him even sometimes call me by his name.

He gave me gifts that I still treasure to this day.  The love of the open road, the beauty of music and comedy and I’m just starting to embrace his love of being a people person.

He was an amazing grandparent and loved his grand daughters more than I ever knew he could.  While he was nervous with Taylor, primarily because he never had a daughter. But when Amelia came around, he welcomed her with open arms.  It was a beautiful thing to see them love each other in the way a grandparent-grandchild should.  It was one of the things that actually gave me a deep love for having children.

Dad & Amelia

Dad grew up without a father, and very poor.  While he never spoke with me about it directly, I can only imagine that is why he was such a good father and provider for me.  He always jumped head first into anything I became excited about and would support me in any way doing so.  I often question my own parenting abilities based on his example.

He was a hard working man his entire life, working sometimes 36 hours straight while I was a child.  The last decade of his life he worked in a custodial role at IU at night, while taking film classes at IU during the day.  A passion he had and kept his entire life.  He dreamed of becoming a Stanley Kubrick.  He became a kid with the thoughts of the film making process.  He loved using his grand daughters as subjects for his films.

When I got my first full time job in 8 years, dad was so proud that he made an announcement in front of our family at Thanksgiving.  That would be the last time I saw my father alive.

My stepmother, for whom many of my struggles as a child were caused by did a complete turn and seemed genuine for the first time since I can remember.  She involved me in much of the process, and paid for everything.  She provided me with an inheritance and I am now the proud owner of dad’s truck.  Most of my memories of him were of our times in a vehicle.  So it means a lot to me.

We were never a father/son combo that said “I Love You” to each other much.  It was just always known and didn’t have to be said.  But I wanted to see it and be reminded of it for the rest of my life.  So I found a card that he wrote to me while I was at a camp as a teenager, and got the words he wrote tattooed on my left forearm.

Try to do me proud. This is ol’ Dad signing off. Love, Dad

Looking back, his death was a watershed moment in my life.  It was the moment when I decided that I no longer wanted my mother in my life.  Even though she was the only parent I had left.  It was the moment when I felt like much of the world I had built around me wasn’t as genuine as it appeared.  He was the glue that held many things in my life  together, without him those walls started falling.

Rest in peace dad.  You star was very bright, and I know it’s shining down on me.  I miss you, and will so forever.

I’m Back!

After a very long hiatus, I’m back!

Much has happened in my life, too much to write in one post really.  So I’m going to give a summary of sorts and then expound on the issues.  Writing is therapy for me, and I need lots of therapy right now.

First of all, my wife and I of 11 years are divorcing.  The reasons are varied and many.  It’s the primary cause of the therapy I need, the things I need to get out.  She and I both did things that hurt each other, and destroyed our trust in each other.

Secondly, I got a vasectomy today.  In todays day and age, it’s important for men to take reigns in on their sexuality and responsibility for that.  After a test in 3 months to ensure of it, my baby making days are over.

Last but certainly not least, my father passed away last year in December.  To me it was the beginning of the end.  From there, as the Star Trek quote goes “chakka, and the walls fell.”  His death was really a watershed moment in my life.

I have some motivations to keep my mind off of the emotional and physical pain right now.  I’m trying to save my home.  Neither of us can afford it on our own.  I’ve put the last 9 years of blood, sweat and tears into this home and don’t want to give up on it lightly.  I’ve documented a lot of the work on this blog.  I’m currently trying to find people to rent out a couple of rooms from me.

I’m also trying to rediscover myself.  I gave my all to this marriage and lost the true meaning of me.  I’ve reconnected with my old friends and they have really helped me find the me within.  I miss that guy.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. so eloquently stated, “If you can’t fly run, if you can’t run walk, if you can’t walk crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

My eyes are on just that, when they aren’t full of tears.

Everything Old is New Again

It’s been way too long since my last post.  It seems as if I forget about my little corner of the world here and forget to drop in and reflect on my life, which is the main reason for this blog.

At the beginning of last summer, I accepted a position with VICOPS (Collaboration Technologies) at Indiana University.  This small department handles all of the videoconferencing/collaboration resources for the entire Indiana University system and outside affiliates.  I work for the help desk, where we take telephone and video calls for assistance with issues regarding technologies such as desktop videoconferencing, Adobe Connect, Telepresence, etc.

At the beginning of the fall I was offered and accepted a full time hourly position with them. I no longer have to worry about finding multiple jobs to fill hours.  It has been a great relief to my family as well.  I never realized how much I actually treasure steady working hours.

I’m only 10 credit hours away from graduating.  This semester I’m taking nothing but Informatics and Computer Science courses.  Most of these are just introductory courses, which are a cakewalk for someone with my knowledge in the subject.

My business has received a much needed injection of attention.  After changing the name from LML Video Services to Magic Media Services, things just died out.  I then put a request on reddit for someone to help redesign the logo for my business.  I was more than surprised at the results when someone obliged my request.  I am now working on redesigning my website, which will be located somewhere on the rox.com domain temporarily.

Rachel and I finally got “grown up” furniture for our bedroom.  With the assistance of my neighbor Bill we got a new dresser, chest of drawers, headboard, armoire and night stand.  We also purchased a new mattress and box spring, which was needed greatly.  Our old, borrowed furniture went back to my grandma who lent it to us over 10 years ago.  I can’t thank her enough for the kindness in her heart.

Over the weekend I replaced the first of three sinks in our home.  The one in our utility room (they are all exactly the same) started leaking about a gallon of water a day.  The drain was rusted out, but I couldn’t replace it as it was seized together.
The shut off valves for the water lines were seized as well.  With all of the water problems this area had previously, we knew this was going to be ugly.  Since we needed a place to give Amelia a bath while remodeling our main bathroom (which will be happening soon) we decided to purchase a utility sink for the space.  8 hours and 3 trips to Menards later, I was both finished with the project and worn our physically and mentally.

On the ROX side of life, I’m currently downloading the latest finished episode for distribution to CATS.  #96 will be on the air soon in Monroe county.

Hopefully I’ll be back soon with more organized and focused posts.

 

The Little Girl Isn’t Dead

This is a continuation of my last post, The Little Girl is Dead.

While on our short vacation, my mind refused me the opportunity to forget about what was going on at home.  Instead it kept thinking about that phrase that was etched into my mind that night.  I kept running scenarios in my head about my girls; I didn’t like to, but I had to.

I felt bad for everyone who had been affected by this storm, especially the less fortunate ones who lived in that trailer court, right next door to me.  They had lost everything, and probably didn’t have insurance.  There were many children living there, so many that the schools had 2 buses come for pickup and drop off.  We would see them all waiting for the bus in the mornings on our way to work.  I still see their faces, and imagine what they must have went through on that eventful night.

I received two phone calls that Saturday while we were in Michigan, our power had been restored!  It had been out for around 3 and 1/2 days.  We don’t know how many utility poles had to be replaced in total, but it was a large number.

Since I had Internet access, I was always keeping up on the news.  Our township trustee had organized a volunteer day, to help with tree & debris cleanup.  This made all of us happy, and was the first step in putting my heart and soul to ease.  In the end there were a total of 3 volunteer days, but the news that an IU student had disappeared shifted the focus, and the volunteers.

We returned from Michigan on Memorial day, and reality set in.  While I had no damage to my home, we had lost about 10 trees; including our beloved apple tree.  Many of these trees formed a ‘natural’ fence along my property line.  They provided large amounts of shade and oxygen, they were also wrapped in vines.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I’m a “jack of all trades.”  I have had experience in cutting trees since I was about 12, when I helped my then step-dad do just that for a living.

We had already lost our weeping willow tree and a maple tree due to wind and ice storms that occurred earlier in the year, we purchased a chain saw so I could clean them up; I was prepared.  Little did I know how difficult the task would be when vines were involved.  This was a task I couldn’t handle, this task needed a quantity of experience people.

We decided to get estimates from tree-trimming businesses.  I called around 5 companies, only one showed up and gave me an estimate.  It was more expensive than we wanted to pay, and under our homeowners insurance deductible.  I wasn’t going to feel at ease until this was taken care of; I was literally stuck between a bunch of trees and a hard place.

I turned to our township trustee’s office.  I called them and asked for assistance, but let them know that I should be placed on the bottom of their list.  I let them know that it was simply downed trees that needed to be cleaned up, there was no damage to my home and that it shouldn’t be a priority.  While we could have paid for the cleanup; it would have presented a financial burden that we might have not recovered from.

A few days go by and as I arrived home from class an Mennonite looking fellow was at my house.  He said he was surveying what needed to be done; he was assembling a crew.  The next day when I arrived home, the trees were almost cleaned up!  It was a group of boys and a man.  At the time I presumed they were Mennonite, since they used technology.  It turns out I was wrong; it was the Worthington Amish Youth Group.  I thanked each one of them personally, and asked if they needed anything at all.  They requested some water, which I promptly fetched and then they went about their business.

With all the property damage and the trailer court in ruins, I was blown away that they decided to help ME.  My whole family is in their debt and are working on a way to pay it forward and show them how much we appreciate what they’ve done for us.

After they finished cleaning up the trees, a larger group, including women went over to the trailer court and assisted cleanup.

The effects of this tornado will be felt and seen for many years to come.  Not just from the people (like me) who live where it happened, but by the thousands of travellers that take that section of Highway 45.  I went through many years of emotional issues as a child, which I thought had toughened me mentally.  I learned the hard way that I was wrong.

While we are mainly healed from this event, our souls will never forget it.  That storm took something from me.  Even though I don’t exactly know what “it” is, I feel incomplete inside.  I don’t know how to move on from this experience.  Writing this has certainly helped.

 

Technology My Way

Two years ago, my wife and I signed a contract for cellular phones.  It was a basic contract with the only extra being a small texting plan for each of us that added $10 a month to our bill.  It soon became overwhelmingly apparent how much we (the US) doesn’t realize how much it is overcharged for cellular telephone service.  We were paying $75 a month for 2 phones that we didn’t use tremendously.  We didn’t feel like we were getting a good value.

We decided a few months into the contract that once it was over we would re-evaluate the situation, and decide to make a change.

My phone was a smart phone (Samsung Blackjack II), and I soon came to love all the bells and whistles having that phone provided me. I didn’t want to lose the “non phone” functionality I had with this device to save money.

Because of my chosen line of work, I have been privileged to  just about every kind of mobile device you can think of.  I’ve seen all Apple “i” devices, Google Android devices of all shapes and sizes, Amazon Kindles, Barnes & Noble Nook’s, and even some devices from overseas that aren’t sold in the states.

While I enjoy what technology has to bring us, I don’t enjoy the trend of being “connected” all the time.  What really boggles my mind about this trend are the costs.  Instead of just paying for cellular phone service, now for smart devices there are required data plans, and sometimes required texting plans.  The costs of these plans can be equal to or even more than just the basic calling service.

What I have done that has differentiated myself from the masses is by combining the capabilities of a smart phone, with the affordable qualities of a pre-paid cell phone, utilizing an Apple iPhone 3g.

There are many guides online, explaining how to do such a feat with the iPhone.  I found many to be informative and factual.  They all have at least 1 step incorrect however.  Many will tell you to purchase a SIM card and then activate it via AT&T’s website, which is impossible.  I found this out the hard way, but a SIM card is only a couple of bucks, so it wasn’t a huge deal.  Others tell you to purchase a “Go-Phone” and move the SIM card.  This isn’t a good idea either, as this option actually locks the SIM card to that Go-Phone for a period of 6 months.

I ended up going to an AT&T store with my old phone after our contract had expired, and requested to switch to pre-paid.  It was that simple.  I then just moved the SIM card to the iPhone and voila!

While I can’t access data services when most iPhone users can, that doesn’t bother me.  What makes me happy is knowing that I’m paying 8 times less for basically the same service as they are!

It’s been a little bit over a month since I went pre-paid, and I’ve only spent $11.30!  With VOIP options such as Skype and TextFree, I only need to  use my “paid” minutes when I don’t have a wireless connection.

And that, my friends, is how you have  your cake and eat it too!

Out of Sync

My first semester as a student at Indiana University was very hard on me.  So hard that I became “out of sync” with the world around me, and the normal activities I participated in (including this blog).

Too many events occurred to even begin to try to catch up with one blog post, so I won’t try.  Instead I’m going to mention current events.

This week was the first semester of the spring semester, for which I’ve decided to take some 100 level courses in an attempt to give my mind a break.

I’m also adjusting to some changes in my work schedule, as I now have some very long days.  I work from 7:30a until 10p two nights a week.  While this may sound horrible, it allows me some freedoms.  I don’t work on Wednesdays, and I only work 5 hours on Fridays.  It’s a trade off that I’m willing to pay for.

During the winter break, I was able to catch up on ROX.  I have edited 11 of 24 episodes for the season one DVD set.  I hope to finish editing by the end of the semester, and begin DVD authoring.

The plan is that I will be able to re-connect with my family, and more importantly, my life during this period.

Goodbye Old Friend

Many important events happened to me in 1999.  I officially moved out of my mothers apartment (if only for 6 months).  My first child was born.  I also built my first computer, with the help of the awesome guys at Edgewood Computers, based out of Ellettsville, IN; where I lived at the time.

It has some amazing specifications for the time.  A 450mhz AMD K6/2 processor, 96mb of PC133 ram, a 10gb hard drive, an ATI All-In-Wonder video card, which allowed you to record video directly from cable.  It has a 48x cd-rom drive, that’s right not even a burner.  I also installed the hard drive from my first computer, to be used as a secondary place to store my stuff, at 200mb it wasn’t large, but it was something.  In total I paid just under a cool grand for this computer, which wasn’t bad at the time.

This computer only had 2 problems.  First it had to be thoroughly cleaned with alcohol, as I used to smoke inside my home, which led to a residue buildup on the machine.  Then a few years ago, the power supply went out.  That’s it!

In 2005 I built a new computer, one that grossly outdated this one.  We ended up giving this one to my in-laws.  With 2 of their daughters a minimum of 2 hours away, we wanted to get them connected via email and able to get on the internet.

My in-laws had been complaining about it running slow, they thought it was their dial-up internet access, but in reality it was the aging computer.  Last night I booted it up to see what was going on and discovered the IDE (Hard drive) controller had went bad.  I knew then that it was time to find my in-laws a new machine.

We got them a Dell Optiplex 745 from Dell’s auction website.  I plan on acquiring them a flat panel monitor sometime soon as well.

Goodbye old friend, you’ve been the most reliable machine I’ve ever known of and you’ll be missed.