Lee – Page 17 – lee-lawmaster.com

The 5 Stages

I’ve been thinking about the Kübler-Ross model for stages of grief, it has 5 of them to be exact. I didn’t really go through that with the loss of my father. He lived a good life, and I was proud of him as a person. The biggest problem I had was the loss of his presence. He gave me comfort.

With the divorce however, I have definitely seen myself slide through those stages.

Denial

I was in denial for a long time. Years to be exact. She did many things that I was in denial about. But did I ever think she’d actually file for divorce and be so head strong about it? It still blows my mind. There is nothing to deny now however, it’s all a matter of record and it’s pretty obvious that the feelings she once had for me have resided.

Sadly my candle of hope lingers on. There is a big piece of me that wonders if she’s just checking other yards to see if the grass is greener, or has an urge to dip her toes in the pool of men in the world. Time will tell us all.

Anger

The easiest of emotional states to be in. I still get triggered from time to time. Right now, I feel as a failure, not just to two children and to a wife but to myself. Then to add another person to the mix who can slide right in and do all of those things we did as a family? That’s below the belt in my book, but he’s just a “friend.” I’ve threatened to kill people, I’ve pondered committing suicide. It’s so easy to go there. It’s blown me away how easy it is to think these thoughts during such a hard time. My mind is very much like the Billy Joel song “I Go To Extremes.” For me it’s always been a defense mechanism. You know if I care about something if I get angry about it because I fight for it.

Bargaining

I still do this from time to time. As I’ve said previously, I’ll always want her back. I will be married to her in my soul forever. I still tell her that too, hoping she will say something similar and justify what I have just said. I never get direct answers however, just enough to make my addictive personality want another fix. There really has been no real bargaining, just dealings with an emotional terrorist of sorts.

This will stop swiftly I’m sure, as her words have a way of calming me but her actions do the opposite. There’s no reason to bargain with someone who is actively making these choices.

Depression

I currently reside in a state that bounces between this stage and the final stage, acceptance. I definitely have my fair share of good days, and bad ones. I had my first shower in 5 days today! Why be clean when you have no one to be clean for? Why be a good and productive person when the reasons for doing so no longer exist? I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad lately, as he was about the same age as I and I was about the same age as Amelia when my own parents divorced, 5 months difference to be exact. (That factoid REALLY hurts my soul) What would dad have done? The only things I have to motivate me are my technology, my home and my job and the status of one of those things is questionable. For a person whose only dream in life was to be married and have a family, it’s like being the king of a kingdom of 1.

Many have told me to seek counseling. I actually had a few months of counseling in the spring, and stopped when she decided she wanted to “try” again. I’ve had so many years of counseling in my life that I’m not sure how it would help at this point. Psychological tools won’t help me. Removing the pain and torment through any means necessary will. I think this is a fine time to take up something I’ve had very fine control on most of my life, alcohol.

Acceptance

I’ve accepted the fact that my life as I’ve known it is no more. I’ve been living it for 6 weeks at this point. I’ve accepted the fact that the person I vowed my life to no longer loves me romantically. I’ve accepted the fact that my 6 year old daughter will soon share something with her 16 year old half-sister that I never thought would happen, that I never wanted to happen. A thing that scarred me so badly it caused me to try to get a vasectomy right after my eldest was born (I was refused that by 3 doctors by the way). Something only their father genuinely understands from their perspective. All of those previous statements depress me, and that’s why I’m in an if statement with no exit strategy at the moment.

Back to the Grind

Today is my first day back at work since the procedure. I’m tired and in some pain still. Primarily because the chair I’m forced to sit in gives too much support in that area. I have no options or alternatives.

Over the past few years, I’ve become addicted to something that’s really hard to let go of. Talking to people. It may sound odd or peculiar but it’s true. I talk to people from the moment I wake up until the time I go to sleep. It really has controlled my life. So I’m really working on cutting that back. My first step is to cut out the amount at which I speak to others. I’ve done pretty good at that. It’s really shown me some things about myself and where I stand in other peoples lives. The connections I’ve made with others mattered much more to me than it mattered to others, at least their lack of action has proven that to me.

Last night I received a promising call. A gentleman would like to rent a room in my home. He wants to sign the lease and move in as soon as my soon to be ex wife and daughter are out. He should be in town until April or May. So not long term, but better than nothing. That’s all I can expect at this point really. I can only assume my ad on Craigslist for renting out my home will be there in perpetuity, amongst all of the high priced places for $600 a room.

I’m writing in this blog at the moment because my mind wants to get all of these thoughts out, but I’m tired of talking people just to talk. So I shall broadcast instead.

I miss talking to my wife. I will totally put the blame on my addiction on her. It was with her that I would talk all day every day through instant message about our days, while we carpooled together. It gave us closeness that I don’t think many people understood. Now that closeness is gone, and even though we still talk there is a irrefutable *thing* in the air that keeps us distant.

I’ve tried all of the online dating sites. Wow. It’s appalling actually. Most of the womens’ entries have along the lines of “I like campfires and fishing, and my kids always come first” with typically a line in there about being tired of games, lies and hookups. Such an aggressive stance for someone reaching out, no? It makes a guy like me run for the hills actually. That’s just the first gate, the hurdle is even messaging most of them as many of the sites require you to pony upwards of $70 a month for the opportunity. Not money I’m willing to spend.

So I’ve went to my past, and tried to re-forge connections. I’ve reconnected with a girl (now woman) who I’ve had a crush on since middle school. Come to find out, she and I are very similar. Sometimes it’s downright scary how much. It isn’t the right time for anything more than forging that bond though, as she and I are both badly damaged from relationships. Which is fine for me. I’m trying to forget the past by creating a new future. The more things I can do with the more people, the better I am mentally.

Other than that, the world is pretty dark right now. The uncertainties in my life are driving me insane. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to rent out enough of my home to keep it. If I can’t keep it, I will need to get rid of most of the remaining things of the house and pare down my things until they fit in a room.

So in many ways, I’m not just losing a relationship. I’m losing everything I’ve spent the last 14 years of my life on. It’s a bitter pill, but I’m swallowing it because I have no other option.

Vows

We all have vows we make. To others, to ourselves and to higher powers.

To me there has only been 1 vow that meant anything in my entire life, my wedding vows. I said them before an audience of friends and family in a church where 3 generations of my family were married.

It was an event I looked forward to my entire life, and was indeed worthy of what I had imagined. Yes guys think of their wedding day. They may not plan it like women do, but they certainly have ideas.

Not to turn this personal blog into a place for political discussion and opinion, but marriage as a social issue has been a big-ticket item lately. The 1 thing you don’t hear about are those who follow through on the “til death” part, even if they do end up divorced. My grandmother did that, and I am doing the same.

Just so it’s clear, I’m going to all caps bold proclaim it. I AM NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN*

You’ll notice the * there. The reason you ask? It’s simple, I vowed my life to 1 person. She may not feel the same anymore, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. But if at any point in time she decides she wants me back into her life, I cannot do anything but welcome her back with open arms. Why? Because again, I vowed my life to her. She holds a spot in my heart and soul right next to my children for the rest of my life.

Just because she doesn’t hold those words she spoke to me as in high of regard as I do, doesn’t give me the right to throw them away as she has done.

Many have said that this will cause any potential love interests to run away. If so, they aren’t the right person for me. If I end up alone for the rest of my life, that is how I shall be. This is how important that vow is to me.

Right now, I feel as if I wasted my vow. Hope is a dangerous thing however, and there is a candle of hope deep within that is burning for the memory of those vows we said to each other on August 14th, 2004. I only hope that she feels the same.

She’s Moved On

6 weeks ago, my partner of 14 years and my wife of 11 filed for divorce. The reasons are varied, and according to her it’s something that must be done. I simply see it as giving up. Giving up on a lifelong vow, giving up on a family, giving up on a relationship and giving up on a person.

I’m not going to go on and on about how she shouldn’t do this, how I want her back, or anything like that because it won’t do me any good. It’ll only add hurt to a soul who’s been tortured his entire life.

The big reason for the divorce is trust. We have destroyed that in each other. Secondly, she no longer loves me. The why part is hard to digest and hard to explain. She’s fallen for the charms of another man, one who has just divorced himself. Rebound anyone?

All requirements for the divorce to be finalized are completed except for a 60 day waiting period and a judges’ signature. There is no going back. We have split everything up except for our home of 9 years, which I am trying to save. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I am trying to get a couple of room mates to help me pay for the mortgage and utilities, as well as trying to do something to lower the mortgage payment by any means necessary.

If that plan fails, our home will simply go back to the bank and I will be on the other side of that door. I will be seeking a room to rent, as I certainly cannot afford to rent even a 1 bedroom apartment in this town anymore. This is the reality of my life now.

People try to help, but many of their words hurt more than help. Telling me to “love my children” does the opposite of helping me. I see my children and I see 2 failures in my life. I see the 2 women who loved me, but decided to love someone else instead. I see 2 relationships and 2 families that are irrevocably damaged. I see 2 children who will (and have) have to endure the same things I never wanted for my children, at all costs. The moving back and forth, the split holidays, the split everything. Because of that, I feel like I failed them. I can’t let them know, but that’s how I feel inside.

A lot of people wonder why fathers abandon their children. It’s just a guess, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a common thought with divorced and separated fathers. No, I’m not abandoning my children. Do I want to see them and love them? Not really at this time, it hurts more than seeing the face of my soon to be ex. It’s as if I have to remove those memories from my brain in order to move forward, a hard but not impossible task.

I was pretty fortunate as a child, and I believe my children are as well. The 1 and only thing I wanted for them was to have a “nuclear” family. The 1 thing I never got. The 1 thing I’ll apparently never be able to provide them.

Life goes on however, and so will I.

Baby Maker: Offline

On Thursday I underwent a procedure that eliminates my ability to have anymore children, called a vasectomy.

Sexual health and responsibility is something that is often placed on women, entirely. I know that throughout my entire life, it has been that way. My mother had a tubal ligation after the birth of my sister, and I’ve always relied on the women in my life for that responsibility. I didn’t actively refuse, it just happened that way.

Children are often called a blessing in life, and I totally agree. They however were never an “active” thought for me. They just happened. I never “wanted” children in my mind, I did welcome them into my life however. Some may not like to hear that opinion from a father, but it’s how I’ve always felt. Over the years I’ve had to, or have been asked to censor myself, but no more.

I have 2 daughters, and I’m almost 35. I don’t want anymore children, and it’s only fair and proper that I take a stance on that. I’m also never getting married again, but that’s another tale for another post.

I was quite nervous for the procedure. I’ve had numerous surgeries and procedures done on me over the years, but nothing in the general vicinity. I was prescribed a pain pill and xanax to take 30 minutes before the procedure to calm me and help. They certainly did. I knew a needle would be entering my scrotum to dispense a general anesthetic. This was the part that concerned me the most, I’m not sure why because I didn’t even feel it. The urologist then cut a small hole into my scrotum and pulled my vasa deferentia out, one at a time. He then clamped each one individually, cleared some nerve endings off them. He then cut them in 2 places and cauterized both of them and placed them back. He then placed a couple of disovable stitches on the hole. Procedure done.

I asked if I could keep the 2 inch long piece of each of my vas deferens that he had snipped, but unfortunately he had to keep them for “legal reasons.” It would have been nice to keep that piece of myself for some interesting reason.

While I technically can no longer deliver fresh sperm to an egg, I can cause a pregnancy for 3 months, as the sperm like to hang on for dear life. So I have to give a sample in 3 months to ensure infertility. I have also read in some parts of the internet that a yearly test is a good idea as well.

It was literally easier as far as pain goes than getting blood drawn. I’m surprised every man doesn’t have this done at some point their life. With the Affordable Healthcare Act, this procedure is paid for 100% by insurance, making it even more of a no brainer.

For the first 36 hours or so, I became close friends with 3 bags of frozen peas. As of today, I still have a little pain, but have given the peas a break. I’ve been a bump on a log and stayed on my couch.

I look forward to not worrying about the potential of becoming a father, because I did something about it.

The Brightest Burn Out the Quickest

My father was the person who never gave up on me in life. Due to his own personal issues, I faced a lot of pain and mental anguish but he was always there and never questioning. When I became an adult, I made the realization that he was doing the best he could with the tools he had and forgave any transgressions I had.

From as early as I can remember, he was my buddy. We did everything together. I formed a lot of myself in his image. To this day people that knew him even sometimes call me by his name.

He gave me gifts that I still treasure to this day. The love of the open road, the beauty of music and comedy and I’m just starting to embrace his love of being a people person.

He was an amazing grandparent and loved his grand daughters more than I ever knew he could. While he was nervous with Taylor, primarily because he never had a daughter. But when Amelia came around, he welcomed her with open arms. It was a beautiful thing to see them love each other in the way a grandparent-grandchild should. It was one of the things that actually gave me a deep love for having children.

Dad grew up without a father, and very poor. While he never spoke with me about it directly, I can only imagine that is why he was such a good father and provider for me. He always jumped head first into anything I became excited about and would support me in any way doing so. I often question my own parenting abilities based on his example.

He was a hard working man his entire life, working sometimes 36 hours straight while I was a child. The last decade of his life he worked in a custodial role at IU at night, while taking film classes at IU during the day. A passion he had and kept his entire life. He dreamed of becoming a Stanley Kubrick. He became a kid with the thoughts of the film making process. He loved using his grand daughters as subjects for his films.

When I got my first full time job in 8 years, dad was so proud that he made an announcement in front of our family at Thanksgiving. That would be the last time I saw my father alive.

My stepmother, for whom many of my struggles as a child were caused by did a complete turn and seemed genuine for the first time since I can remember. She involved me in much of the process, and paid for everything. She provided me with an inheritance and I am now the proud owner of dad’s truck. Most of my memories of him were of our times in a vehicle. So it means a lot to me.

We were never a father/son combo that said “I Love You” to each other much. It was just always known and didn’t have to be said. But I wanted to see it and be reminded of it for the rest of my life. So I found a card that he wrote to me while I was at a camp as a teenager, and got the words he wrote tattooed on my left forearm.

Try to do me proud. This is ol’ Dad signing off. Love, Dad

Looking back, his death was a watershed moment in my life. It was the moment when I decided that I no longer wanted my mother in my life. Even though she was the only parent I had left. It was the moment when I felt like much of the world I had built around me wasn’t as genuine as it appeared. He was the glue that held many things in my life together, without him those walls started falling.

Rest in peace dad. You star was very bright, and I know it’s shining down on me. I miss you, and will so forever.

I’m Back!

After a very long hiatus, I’m back!

Much has happened in my life, too much to write in one post really. So I’m going to give a summary of sorts and then expound on the issues. Writing is therapy for me, and I need lots of therapy right now.

First of all, my wife and I of 11 years are divorcing. The reasons are varied and many. It’s the primary cause of the therapy I need, the things I need to get out. She and I both did things that hurt each other, and destroyed our trust in each other.

Secondly, I got a vasectomy today. In todays day and age, it’s important for men to take reigns in on their sexuality and responsibility for that. After a test in 3 months to ensure of it, my baby making days are over.

Last but certainly not least, my father passed away last year in December. To me it was the beginning of the end. From there, as the Star Trek quote goes “chakka, and the walls fell.” His death was really a watershed moment in my life.

I have some motivations to keep my mind off of the emotional and physical pain right now. I’m trying to save my home. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I’ve put the last 9 years of blood, sweat and tears into this home and don’t want to give up on it lightly. I’ve documented a lot of the work on this blog. I’m currently trying to find people to rent out a couple of rooms from me.

I’m also trying to rediscover myself. I gave my all to this marriage and lost the true meaning of me. I’ve reconnected with my old friends and they have really helped me find the me within. I miss that guy.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. so eloquently stated, “If you can’t fly run, if you can’t run walk, if you can’t walk crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

My eyes are on just that, when they aren’t full of tears.

New Venture

I’ve decided to quit waiting on a company to accept me for a position with them. I’ve never been a popular person, or a person with inside connections. It seems that in today’s rough job hunting climate that is exactly what you need in order to succeed or even get a foot in the door with a company.

I’ve decided to start a business, named Magitech. Magitech will provide in home technology support services to people in the Monroe county, Indiana area.

I have always enjoyed giving support to people with technology, and hope to for the foreseeable future.

1 Down

Tonight I finished the renovation of our master bathroom that I wrote about previously. There’s still a little bit of touch up painting to do, but the real work is over.

I’ll let the pictures do the talking. Here’s the highlights.

This bathroom is mainly used by my wife. She picked basically everything, I’ve got to give it to her on her choices. The finished room really looks nice!

The floor I installed was one of those “easy tongue and groove” systems. It was not easy by any means. I had to literally install it one way and then remove everything and install it another way.

I reused the toilet, but converted it to dual-flush. It’s amazingly green.

Now it’s on to planning and preparing for “the big one.” A complete demo and remodel of our main bathroom. The pressure will really be on for this one as I don’t see my wife being happy with using our shower, which is located downstairs.

Hidradenitis Supperativa

Such a strange term. Almost impossible to pronounce. This is the name for the condition that has dictated what is physically possible for me to do for the last 16 years of my life.

Never heard of it? Neither had I until a random encounter with a good friend who has it as well. I call her my ‘pain friend’ now.

Until a few years ago this painful condition was limited to my pelvic / upper thigh area. I had my VNS device replaced in 2009 and the HS spread to my under arm area in a bad way.

The only way I have been able to control flare ups (which are horrible and debilitating) has been by shaving all areas of the body affected, using women’s anti-antiperspirant and doing as little physical labor as possible. Now that routine is no longer effective.

My internist Dr. Bannec has helped me as far as his practice allows. After a horrible experience with 1 of the 2 dermatologists in town (he just confirmed what I have and offered no real treatment plan), I’m looking for an expert. No matter the distance or cost.

So far it appears that my closest options for experts in care are Detroit, MI and Cincinnati, OH. Although it appears the guy in Ohio mainly deals with burn patients.

Once I graduate from Indiana University in December. This will be my #1 life goal, to get this painful condition that has ruled my life for almost half of it, under control.