Author: Lee

Catching Up – Saving My Home

Divorce, it’s an ugly word.  It brings out the worst in everything involved.  The people and the government.  Fathers of children are typically taken for everything they have or are attached to, and mothers are given sainthood.

Well, that didn’t happen here.  I wasn’t about to let it happen either.

All she wanted to do was run away and start a new life with someone new.  This left the house.  As I said in my previous post, at the time – I didn’t make enough money to even consider making the mortgage payment, which was $960 a month at the time due to her mismanaging of our finances.  That was literally my entire net income.

She wanted to give it back to the bank in a short sale, but agreed to let me try to save it.  I knew that I couldn’t afford to rent an apartment, and I knew that I would have to get a room mate if I got an apartment.  So why not use this asset of mine for my own gain?  Right?

As soon as I could, I put an ad up on Craigslist and all other sites trying to find a room mate.  My area has a problem with rentals, as they are typically priced to a point of luxury.  I’m not trying to make any money here, just trying to survive myself.  What I charge for rent basically pays the utilities.

I also refinanced the house.  I didn’t want to, but needed to for two reasons.  To get my ex wife’s name off of the mortgage, and to make that payment lower.  It set me back a decade, but now it is mine.

It all started with phone calls and emails.  I would get calls with nobody on the other end of the line, and emails with nothing in them, not even a subject line.  It was constant, it was nagging and it was frustrating.

Once I was able to actually communicate with this person, he ended up being the best room mate a guy could have.  He was originally from the area but had lived a life of adventure, traveling the famous trails of our country.  He had to come back to town to take care of things due to the death of his father, needing a place to stay for a few months.

He kept his area clean, and would even clean the entire house!  I loved that guy.  When he told me that he was done here and going to pack his bags to move in with his brother in Bozeman Montana, I was a little heart broken.

I then got another room mate, this time a female.  For a period of a couple of months they were both in my house at the same time.  This is when I learned that more than 1 room mate just doesn’t work well.  Too many people.

She is the polar opposite of Tony, on the level of hoarder.  I try to do my best to have more of a friendship than straight up business relationship with my room mates, to weed out people I would not be comfortable living with.  I will be more cautious with the next one.

A few months ago, her mother passed away and left her the entire estate, including a home.  She is currently working on fixing it up and will be moving out when she is ready.  So the search will be on again for a person to help me sustain my home.

Catching Up – Midlife Crisis

This is a bit out of order, forgive as there is just so much to catch up on.

The divorce didn’t leave me with much.  I got lucky on several things except for my method of transportation.  I was left with the car my now ex-wife had when I met her, a 2001 Kia Rio.  I referred to it as the “Clown Car.”  As there was literally no leg room in it in the back seats when I sat up front.

So I did what I had to do.  I didn’t make enough money to afford anything.  I was trying to save my house at the time.  I took ownership of it, did some maintenance on it, tinted the windows as it was the hottest vehicle I’ve ever seen in my life.

That was until I took my daughters on a shopping spree for that Christmas following the divorce.

We were on our way back from Indianapolis, when suddenly smoke started filling the car.  We suddenly had no heat.  I knew any repairs to this car were going to be costly.  The car was only worth about $1500 as it was.

Throughout the divorce process, I had been interviewing for the job I currently have.  When this car broke down, I made enough to afford that car payment and extra cost for full coverage insurance.  So I started thinking, just what do I want?

That’s when I came to the sad realization that manual transmissions aren’t something you can get easily in a lot of vehicles these days.  It broke my heart.  I wanted a manual transmission, as I’ve had several issues with automatics.

So it came down to the final 3.  It would be either a Jeep Unlimited (4 doors), a Chevrolet Colorado (4 door) or a Chrysler 200.

I ended up just buying the first Jeep I saw.  A 2010 Jeep Unlimited Sport.  The first thing I did was jump in the back seat – to make sure my very important passenger would have enough room.  This was critical to me.  Boy did it.

Even though it was used, I still had to pay out the nose for it.  My credit had been ruined by the ex-wife, so I had to pay an exorbitant interest rate and my monthly payments are almost as much as my mortgage payment.

But seeing the smile on that little girl’s face, makes it all worth it.  Every single penny.

Two and a half years later, I’ve put over 40k miles on it.  We’ve criss crossed the country.  Going as far west as Yellowstone National Park, and as far north as North Dakota in it.

Catching Up – That Was Unexpected

As I said in my previous post, I started reaching out to old classmates of mine for IRL social needs.  I met one of my old classmates at a BBQ joint for lunch one day.  Instantly something just felt different about her.

We never really knew each other while in school.  She was in a polar opposite world than I was.  I was what was commonly referred to as a “hick” in my outward appearance.  She on the other hand was all heavy metal, and even had a mohawk in high school.

But on the inside, wow.  I felt drawn to her.  I didn’t know why, and I still don’t fully.

She invited me to go to the drive-in with her and her kids.  Something my ex-wife hated, another thing of life that I genuinely missed.  So I went, it was a no brainer.  We went to the drive-in several times together.

We talked non stop, about everything and anything.  We quickly became close.  She was my best friend, my confidant, the person I ran to with new and/or exciting information.

When talking with other friends of the female persuasion, they told me that some of the things we discussed weren’t things that girls normally talk to “friends” about.  My mind wondered and stewed on that heavily.  Do I make a move?  Do I ruin this good thing I have going on in life?  I’ve had so much bad stuff happen, my fragile soul just can’t take rejection right now.

So one night, after bringing her and her kids back from the drive-in, I made a move and kissed her.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I showed where my mind and my heart was to her.  I was going to leave it up to her on where it went from there.  I would be okay with any direction it went.

After a day of biting my nails until they bled, she was receptive but anxious at the same time.  Life hadn’t been so good to her, with health, vocation or relationships.  She was still technically married to her husband but had long since been separated and apart from him.  He had a girlfriend, and she had went through several boyfriends since they parted ways.  She too was done with the opposite sex.

We just sort of fell into this whirlwind romance and lived by our hearts.

Catching Up – The Plan

My life post divorce was that I didn’t have one.  For a good while, that didn’t bother me at all.  I was always doing this or going here, and I was tired of that.

I worked my job, I binge watched TV shows I had never been able to see before and for the most part I was happy.  But how much happiness does that sort of life lead?  I’m somewhat of a social creature, for the most part the internet helped fill that void.  I was lonely though.  I needed touch, I needed affection, I needed intimate physical contact.

So I did what most people do these days, I put ads on dating websites/apps.  What a disaster that was.  It instantly showed me what our society had turned to, and I didn’t like it.  I dated a lady who lived 50 miles away for a few months.  We had some good times, but in the end, she turned out to be completely not trusting and wanted to control how I operated my life, and my actions.  That’s when I said goodbye to that world for good.

So, I had to formulate a new plan.  I was done with the thought of dating.  That’s when my next step came to be.  I was the guy in school who everyone knew.  I was social enough to be noticed.  Not everybody knew me, I only had 2 close friends ever.  But, the thought of reaching out to those people I could find and catching up with them, to see how life has treated them seemed really appealing to me.

So I started reaching out.  I haven’t had that much luck, but it’s a goal.  It’s something that keeps my social needs met.

One of those classmates quickly turned into a relationship.

Catching Up – The Charges

Lots has happened in my life since that dark and horrible time in my life that I last really used this blog.  I’m going to try to update as best I can.

My now ex-wife and her sister formally filed criminal charges against me.  I discovered this only when what appeared to be an advertisement from an attorney came in the mail.  It said that I had a warrant out for my arrest!  Not believing everything I read, I looked it up through Indiana’s online court system.  It was true.

This news came to me on a weekend, lawyers typically don’t work on the weekend – but the one that sent me the flyer/ad did!  So I hired her.  I wanted to get that warrant taken care of as soon as possible.  I felt like I was running from the law, and it kept me up at night.  Unfortunately due to the charges, there was a 24 hour hold if I were to turn myself in.  That was the test I gave the lawyer.  She was ineffective in removing that hold, which I read lawyers can get done.  Due to this, she refunded the retainer I had paid her and I moved onto another attorney, purportedly the best in town.

The retainer and fees were almost triple what the first lawyer charged, but it was worth it.  Every penny.  He was able to get that hold removed, and I turned myself in.  That was an interesting experience, one I had never experienced before.  I sat in the “drunk tank” for 3 hours.  There was a gentleman who was apparently passed out/under the influence in there, and another gentleman who was speaking another language primarily.  He could speak some english, but his accent was very thick.  I couldn’t make out what language it was exactly.  Then came along an inmate from one of the state prisons, he said he was convicted of murder and there for a court hearing in the morning.  He and I had a good conversation.  It was odd/scary/weird at the same time.  A good friend posted my bail money, to which I paid back asap.

The charges, which I won’t explain in detail were 2 felonies.  I was looking at a maximum of 6 years in prison for the events of that night.  It destroyed everything I had worked for my entire life, my character.

My lawyer told me 1 piece of advice, that really was odd to me but makes sense when I look back upon it.  He told me to just live my life and not try to get into trouble.  Don’t try to investigate or solve anything, that was his job.

He filed for discovery documents and mailed me copies.  In it were pictures of my ex-wife and her sister, the police report, everything from that evening.  I was appalled at the gross mis-representation of the situation by the police officers.  The pictures were such a staged thing to me.

I didn’t have much communication with my lawyer except for our initial visit, and the court date.  But man did that guy work miracles, some of them wouldn’t come to light until a year down the road.

He was able to negotiate the charges down to the lowest level a criminal charge can be, an A misdemeanor.  He was also able to get those charges changed as he put it, “on the front end.”  This meant, I wasn’t taking a plea bargain.

I am one to always take responsibility for my actions, and while I do feel like I acted improper that evening, I will always state that I had never had an anxiety attack like that in my life.  I do not understand how this might have played into a trial, but it was something on my mind.

My court hearing was quick, and very confusing.  I spent more time watching a video about pleading guilty to a crime than I spent inside the courtroom.  I was convicted and sentenced to 1 year of probation, with the sentences running concurrently, meaning both sentences ran at the same time.

Due to this conviction, a report was sent to the state police and then onto the federal government.  My 2nd amendment rights had just been removed, and for a while I thought permanently.

I was then told to report to the probation department immediately after leaving the courtroom.  While there, they took an intake interview and made a follow-up appointment.  I then had to go a block down the road and take a drug test, as no drugs or alcohol was a part of my probation requirement.  I was unable to urinate and was threatened about being thrown in jail until I could.  This is when the reality of the matter set in for me.  After about three months, I was released from supervised probation and moved to unsupervised.  I didn’t have to see my probation officer (who is a pretty cool guy), I didn’t have to do anything but live my normal life.  I was one step closer to getting this monkey off my back.

When my probation term was finished, I received an amazing surprise.  One my probation officer and judge just couldn’t believe.  My lawyer somehow got wording in my guilty plea that once my sentence was finished, the charges would be dismissed.

They were.

Long time, no see

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on my blog.  There’s been a myriad of reasons.  I was overwhelmed with my new position with CAITS (where I still am).  I started a new whirlwind relationship (which I’ve put off kinda at this point).

But I will return.  I need this outlet now, more than ever.

I’ve just started a bathroom remodel that I’ve been putting off for 12 years!

First Day Complete

Today was my first day in my new position with CAITS an acronym for Clinical Affairs Information Technology Services, as a Computer Support Technician.

It’s a new role in a location at the university that I’ve primarily stayed away from, Jordan Hall.  In essence I am the IT guy for the Medical Sciences department of IU.  This is where people become doctors.

Today was a large dose of information overload for me.  I’m in a period of flux, as my accounts and permissions are being created.  After a period of up to 2 weeks I will be on my own.

Right now, the person I am replacing is showing me the ropes of the department.  Once he feels like I’m up to handling things on my own, he will move to his new position within the department, which is in Indianapolis.

Tomorrow I have my ETC course, then he will be showing me the other buildings to which we have labs and equipment in.

One Year

Today marks one year since I’ve seen my father alive.  It was at our annual family Thanksgiving celebration, which I’ve been told by my uncle has been happening continuously since the 1950’s.

Here’s the last photo I took of my father, acting in only the way my father did, he’s the one on the right.

That’s him proclaiming “something” to my uncle Larry.  He was always so social, something I really didn’t understand until I went through this divorce.

This year really changed as far as our family gathering are concerned.  It’s compromised of a gathering of clans of our family.  3 to be exact.  This year one of those clans decided to go on their own, which reduced the number of people by half or more.

At first there were questions as to whether it would happen or not.  With all of the things I’ve lost in life this year, it really concerned me.  This was really the last thing I counted on in life left.

Fortunately, it did happen.  For that, I am thankful.  I am also thankful that I was able to share this day with my beautiful daughters.  They are the light of my dark life.

When I got home, I had a message from my mother.  It’s the first time I’ve heard from her since Valentine’s day.  Sadly, I must keep her as a piece of my past.  If she even knew what was happening I would not receive any support.  I would be greeted with “I told you so.”

What are you thankful for?

Emergency

After the incident that happened on that Friday the 13th, my now ex wife filed for an “emergency custody & visitation” hearing.

It rattled me to my core.  Indiana is known for taking the mother’s side of anything in regards to children unless the mother is a known drug addict or prostitute.

In the document I was served with, twice, she claimed that my child was not safe with me and that my mental status was questionable.  Nothing in the document had anything to do with my parenting abilities or lack there of, it had everything to do with what happened between my ex wife and I.

I got some legal advice from a family law attorney.  I wanted to hire him, but I didn’t have the ability to cover his $4000 retainer.  I was hoping she hadn’t hired one.

I showed up to the hearing late, as I was sitting at the wrong court room for 20 minutes.  When I showed up, the proceedings had already began but I was welcomed in by the judge.

She swore me in, and I apologized for being late.  It was me, my ex-wife and the judge, all within 3 feet of each other.  She then simply asked me what happened.  I told her the same story that I posted here.  I also mentioned to her how when I returned home from the hospital, all of the things we agreed on keeping at my home of our child’s was gone.  The only things remaining were toiletries and coloring books.

The judge’s eyes opened wider, and she told my ex-wife that what she did was wrong.  I could tell my ex-wife was scrambling to explain her actions, but no explanation was needed.

My ex-wife lied under oath and stated that I “pushed her down the stairs.”  That was impossible as a hutch was blocking the stairs at the time.  Her sister was at the bottom of those stairs, which provides a witness to that event.

The judge said that she saw no reason to modify the custody & visitation agreement, plain and simple.

I told her that I want to have my daughters together and will have my eldest with me when I have my other child.  She said that was good, and wants me to do just that.

At the very end the judge then proclaimed that “he gets her on Thanksgiving.”  I’m not sure how to take that exactly.  Before I walked into that courtroom was she trying to keep my child from me on the biggest holiday of the year for me?  I guess I’ll never know.

In the end, the justice system surprised me.  I’m grateful and appreciative.

On my way home from the hearing, I started receiving friendly texts from my ex-wife concerning bringing items back to my house.  It’s brought a flood of questions into my mind.  Is this really the woman I call the love of my life?  Is this really the person I vowed my life to?  Is this really the mother of my youngest child?  Perhaps one day, I will discover those answers, but for now I’m just left with questions.

Starting Over

As of this moment, I’m basically starting over in life.  Not a move I wanted to make, but I digress.

I’m starting with my girls.  My first mission is to revamp what is now their space.  I just purchased a very nice bunk bed for them and will eventually have their room stocked as it should be.  My now ex-wife took everything of my youngest daughter’s except for her toiletries.  I’m not asking for them back either, like a phoenix I will rebuild.  Dad’s place will be special to her.  The home she came to from the hospital will always be a home for her, even if she isn’t there full time.

Then it’s a matter of building a new identity for myself.  I built my adult identity as a family man, but I have no family now.  I don’t expect or want a new one either.  I’m my own man now.  I’m not going to get anywhere by sitting at home like a bump on a log either.  It’s not going to help me, it’s only going to hurt me.  I need to get out there, unfortunately the peer group I typically hang out with is either 15 years older or younger than me.  It works against me in many ways.  I need new friends, I need single friends.  I need new experiences.

The first step is to blank the canvas that was created in my home.  I have a lot (and I do mean a lot) of holes to patch.  Once I get that completed, I think my mind can finally start to settle.  I’m just having some trouble with motivation.

I have a room mate, and I feel like I’ve won the lottery with this guy.  My home is cleaner than I think it ever has been at this point.  I only wish he would be here longer, because before you know it he will be leaving for his home in Oregon.