I’ve been thinking about the Kübler-Ross model for stages of grief, it has 5 of them to be exact. I didn’t really go through that with the loss of my father. He lived a good life, and I was proud of him as a person. The biggest problem I had was the loss of his presence. He gave me comfort.
With the divorce however, I have definitely seen myself slide through those stages.
- Denial
I was in denial for a long time. Years to be exact. She did many things that I was in denial about. But did I ever think she’d actually file for divorce and be so head strong about it? It still blows my mind. There is nothing to deny now however, it’s all a matter of record and it’s pretty obvious that the feelings she once had for me have resided.
Sadly my candle of hope lingers on. There is a big piece of me that wonders if she’s just checking other yards to see if the grass is greener, or has an urge to dip her toes in the pool of men in the world. Time will tell us all.
- Anger
The easiest of emotional states to be in. I still get triggered from time to time. Right now, I feel as a failure, not just to two children and to a wife but to myself. Then to add another person to the mix who can slide right in and do all of those things we did as a family? That’s below the belt in my book, but he’s just a “friend.” I’ve threatened to kill people, I’ve pondered committing suicide. It’s so easy to go there. It’s blown me away how easy it is to think these thoughts during such a hard time. My mind is very much like the Billy Joel song “I Go To Extremes.” For me it’s always been a defense mechanism. You know if I care about something if I get angry about it because I fight for it.
- Bargaining
I still do this from time to time. As I’ve said previously, I’ll always want her back. I will be married to her in my soul forever. I still tell her that too, hoping she will say something similar and justify what I have just said. I never get direct answers however, just enough to make my addictive personality want another fix. There really has been no real bargaining, just dealings with an emotional terrorist of sorts.
This will stop swiftly I’m sure, as her words have a way of calming me but her actions do the opposite. There’s no reason to bargain with someone who is actively making these choices.
- Depression
I currently reside in a state that bounces between this stage and the final stage, acceptance. I definitely have my fair share of good days, and bad ones. I had my first shower in 5 days today! Why be clean when you have no one to be clean for? Why be a good and productive person when the reasons for doing so no longer exist? I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad lately, as he was about the same age as I and I was about the same age as Amelia when my own parents divorced, 5 months difference to be exact. (That factoid REALLY hurts my soul) What would dad have done? The only things I have to motivate me are my technology, my home and my job and the status of one of those things is questionable. For a person whose only dream in life was to be married and have a family, it’s like being the king of a kingdom of 1.
Many have told me to seek counseling. I actually had a few months of counseling in the spring, and stopped when she decided she wanted to “try” again. I’ve had so many years of counseling in my life that I’m not sure how it would help at this point. Psychological tools won’t help me. Removing the pain and torment through any means necessary will. I think this is a fine time to take up something I’ve had very fine control on most of my life, alcohol.
- Acceptance
I’ve accepted the fact that my life as I’ve known it is no more. I’ve been living it for 6 weeks at this point. I’ve accepted the fact that the person I vowed my life to no longer loves me romantically. I’ve accepted the fact that my 6 year old daughter will soon share something with her 16 year old half-sister that I never thought would happen, that I never wanted to happen. A thing that scarred me so badly it caused me to try to get a vasectomy right after my eldest was born (I was refused that by 3 doctors by the way). Something only their father genuinely understands from their perspective. All of those previous statements depress me, and that’s why I’m in an if statement with no exit strategy at the moment.