Rachel – lee-lawmaster.com

A Brush with Sars-Cov-2

With the pandemic in full force, I cancelled Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities with my aunt and uncle. My uncle said it was the first time in 60 years that he hadn’t came home. They are in their 70’s and I didn’t want to risk their health.

It’s commonly known that this and other coronaviruses can silently spread, as some people can be infected and contagious without even knowing. I have been careful, so has my girlfriend. But my daughter’s back and forth lifestyle finally caught up to us, and her.

I had her for almost a week around Christmas, but not including the day itself. It was that day that she spent with her mother, per our divorce decree.

The day after I returned my daughter to her mom, my ex wife texted me to inform me that her husband had been admitted to the hospital with double pneumonia caused by covid.

I was floored. She went onto say that he had been sick since the 18th of December. I was enraged. I demanded our daughter get a test, as she had obviously been exposed. Her mother refused. I offered to do all of the legwork and get her tested myself, she still kept up her stonewall tactics. Instead of continuing to argue with her, I called my attorney. By the time he called me back, she gave in and scheduled her to get a test.

The results came back, positive.

My daughter hadn’t shown any signs or symptoms of infection, sans a runny nose here and there or a sore throat. After the results came back however, she apparently got sick.

Then we started showing signs and symptoms ourselves. I felt very flu-like, but had no fever. My girlfriend however got what seemed to be a full onslaught of Covid symptoms. It seemed like she could barely breathe, and would get light headed after walking ten feet. We all immediately ordered tests, with all results being negative.

Then, in the middle of the day while sleeping, I heard a scream. It was her daughter. She had fallen down half a flight of stairs in my home. I instantly called 911, with VBFD paramedics responding within a minute. I wasn’t sure if the fall had broken anything or made any of her ongoing spinal issues worse. She spent the day in the ER, where they performed a series of tests. She turned out to be okay physically, but still well in the throngs of symptoms. I was concerned.

It’s been a couple of weeks since those events happened, and while she is still healing, she is significantly better now. I still worry about her though. I still haven’t seen my daughter since the weekend after Christmas. My ex wife started texting me again, and I told her that I want her to get another test before I see her again. She didn’t give much resistance, but still refuses to test her household. I don’t understand.

I miss my daughter, but I will never miss the onslaught of ways in which we have felt due to this exposure.

It’s final (in many ways)

Friday the 13th, a date that will and already does live in infamy. That’s also when my divorce was final.

It started as a typical day, but turned into something very dark, something I might pay a heavy price for.

My now ex wife (which I didn’t know at the time) had spent the day moving most of her things into the garage to prepare to move out the next day. Her sister came down from Indianapolis to help. I was under the assumption that she would not be there when I got back home from work.

I wanted everything she was taking to be put either downstairs or in the garage, as I didn’t want a bunch of people I don’t know walking through my house, potentially ransacking what they please. I was going to do the good thing and take Amelia with me and we were going to have a fun day together, see a movie and go to the Wonderlab.

So I started moving what was left, heavy furniture. There was a chest of drawers, a cedar chest, the dining room table and chairs and a hutch to be moved. I figured it could be done that night, and I assumed that I could do it on my own (as she was supposed to leave that night and take Amelia to a birthday party).

I started with the hutch. Rachel provided some assistance, but was not happy about it. She kept saying that I wanted to break her things, I didn’t. I just didn’t want them where they were. We had problems getting it down the stairs, and that’s when she told me the divorce was final, and in a very snarky tone.

I don’t know why, but between that and the situation which was escalated by her sister, my anxieties got the best of me and I lost control. I had to end the feelings within my body by any means possible. I felt like I was going to literally explode. My heart was racing so fast it felt like it was going to burst out of my body at that moment.

So I did something I greatly regret. I pushed her. I then got my handgun, loaded it and was going to end my life. I never pointed it, but held it at my side. Then I saw the tattoo I had put on my arm of my dad’s handwriting. It reads “Try to do me proud. This is ol’ Dad signing off. Love, Dad.” It stopped me in my tracks. I knew he would not be proud of my actions, I knew he wouldn’t want my life to end like this.

So I put the gun away, unloaded it and sat on my couch. I knew the police were on their way. I just wasn’t sure what was going to happen. Was I going to jail? Am I now a violent person who just did a cruel and harmful thing to my family?

Sure enough, the police did call. They asked me to come out of the house. I didn’t want to escalate the situation, so I did. They had me put my hands on my head and kneel. I was then cuffed and the handgun was confiscated under Laird’s Law. The sheriff’s deputy said that he will try to have my lifetime concealed carry permit stripped from me as well.

They asked me what happened, and I told them much like I’m telling everyone here and now. I’m fully aware this is publicly viewable, and that’s okay. This is what happened. They were obviously checking to see what the truth and what the facts were. The police (and I can only assume my ex wife) took mercy on me. No charges were filed. Instead I was taken to the hospital on a 72 hour law enforcement hold because of my suicidal action.

The law enforcement officers were kind to me, and I understand what they did and why they did it. I thanked them for their efforts and their jobs. On the way to the hospital, I had a good and genuine conversation with the Sheriff’s deputy.

I was then placed into the detention center of the ER, a place I had never been before. It was as interesting as it was frightening. I had to remove all of my clothes and wear a gown. A nurse graciously let me keep my cell phone until I was moved to the “crisis” unit. I was then sold/pressured to sign myself into the hospital voluntarily as it would let me get out in 24 hours or less. I came to find out later that was a complete lie.

That unit was what I like to refer to as “jail-lite.” My room was very much like a jail cell in my opinion. There was a jail like bed, a single chair and a camera pointed straight at the bed. The room had 2 doors to it and it was cold, so very cold. I was strip searched and they attempted to do a metals scan on me, but did not due to my VNS implant. It was a small unit, and I was allowed to move freely around it. There was a single bathroom for the entire unit. There was a phone that I was told I could use freely. I called my ex girlfriend and told her what had happened. I was not able to use that phone again.

That night, nurses checked on me and I sobbed at times uncontrollably in that room. I was scared, I was frightened and I was regretting the events that had taken place. It was the closest thing to jail that I had ever experienced in my life. I tried to sleep but couldn’t due to how cold I was.

The next day, I saw the psychiatrist and a counselor. He obviously didn’t care, and the counselor took my statements and was consoling. Within 3 hours I was moved to the “stress care” unit. I was told how much better it would be there, and indeed it was better.

I had space, and I wasn’t as cold. I was given a room with a room mate. He told me that he was “hearing voices” which creeped me out a bit, but he stayed primarily in the room – so I stayed away. I spent much of my time walking the unit, which is a U shape. Walking 12 complete legs is a mile. I can only assume I got in at least 10 miles or more in. They had “day rooms” with TV and such, but I couldn’t access a newspaper. That made me sad.

The nurses and staff were much more helpful than in the crisis unit, even though they were the same people. One in particular was especially kind, giving me information that I wouldn’t have found out for hours had she not told me. I went to a couple of group therapy sessions, one of which was very helpful for my anxiety. Something called HeartMath, which is a way of meditation to control your heart and in turn control your brain. It has helped me, and I’m currently on a regimen of exercises 3 times a day. I was told that once I can notice the control, I can back it off. But I don’t have that control yet.

Not an hour after that session, I was dismissed from the hospital. My ex girlfriend picked me up and took me home. It was a sad sight. All of the things we discussed, all the things we agreed upon, she threw out the window. All of Amelia’s things were gone, things she wanted to stay at daddy’s house. The only things left are her toiletries and the coloring books she wanted to keep. No clothes, no toys. Her car seat was taken from my car and her bike was even taken, when she had previously said that it should stay there “because daddy is going to show me how to ride it.”

I couldn’t stop the tears, so I left.

On and off throughout my stay, I tried to contact Rachel but never got a response. She then blocked me on facebook. That let me know, and so I sent her a final email message. I won’t contact her again.

I’m left with puzzling questions. Questions that I probably will never get an answer to. I was supposed to pick her up from school all week, and take her to her soccer lesson this week. This weekend, I was supposed to have her as my first official weekend. To poke and prod would just make things worse than they already are.

I’ve discovered that she’s requested a hearing to change custody and visitation. This saddens me, but I understand the concern after the acts I did do. I’ve said from the beginning, I must pay the price for whatever I have done, and that I will.

It Doesn’t Feel Right

Today is my first full day back at work since my surgery, and it doesn’t feel right. I would have never started or even thought of working at IU if it weren’t for Rachel. I wouldn’t be a man with an open mind and heart if it weren’t for Rachel.

I wouldn’t be the man I am today if it weren’t for Rachel. The woman who has shown through her actions that those things mean little to nothing to her. She’s said many times that she “needs a fresh start.” I don’t think she realizes that she doesn’t need a new relationship to have a fresh start.

Yet here I am. Sitting at this help desk contemplating the past, because that’s what it really is. I’m thinking about a person that no longer exists. A figment of my imagination as it were. I only want her to get better, and she’s in counseling but I haven’t seen how she’s benefited from it, other than giving up and letting go of her life.

On Saturday, my entire life will feel this way. She’s moving out with the assistance of her new lover, his family and her family. I’ve been tasked to stay away and keep our daughter. It’s my first official weekend of visitation.

I know I’ll heal from this. It will just take time.

Goodbye IU

Suddenly this week, my soon to be ex-wife left her position at IU. She didn’t leave for another position, she just left. She had a good paying position in what I always thought of as a prestigious department. In her 13 years at IU, she started as a temp worker then landed a job at the Kelley School of Business in their MBA program, then moving to Informatics and then where she was (which I will not name), then became the VP of the Bloomington Professional Staff Council, which she recently resigned her duties from.

I was very proud of her professionally. She embodied everything I hoped to be in life. I was not jealous, just proud. I was proud to be her husband, and I’m sad to no longer be.

I don’t know how to take this news. I’ve been a flood of emotions about it myself. The only thing I want in my heart is for her to go out and do this thing she’s so hell-bent on doing, and see that guy she left is the same guy she married and upon seeing that, want to come back to me. Of course my mind knows this is more than likely a dream, if I could only get those two organs to speak to each other, I wouldn’t be such a split man right now.

She’s a smart, and strong woman. I know she will get back on her feet quickly, or at least I hope she does.

Vows

We all have vows we make. To others, to ourselves and to higher powers.

To me there has only been 1 vow that meant anything in my entire life, my wedding vows. I said them before an audience of friends and family in a church where 3 generations of my family were married.

It was an event I looked forward to my entire life, and was indeed worthy of what I had imagined. Yes guys think of their wedding day. They may not plan it like women do, but they certainly have ideas.

Not to turn this personal blog into a place for political discussion and opinion, but marriage as a social issue has been a big-ticket item lately. The 1 thing you don’t hear about are those who follow through on the “til death” part, even if they do end up divorced. My grandmother did that, and I am doing the same.

Just so it’s clear, I’m going to all caps bold proclaim it. I AM NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN*

You’ll notice the * there. The reason you ask? It’s simple, I vowed my life to 1 person. She may not feel the same anymore, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. But if at any point in time she decides she wants me back into her life, I cannot do anything but welcome her back with open arms. Why? Because again, I vowed my life to her. She holds a spot in my heart and soul right next to my children for the rest of my life.

Just because she doesn’t hold those words she spoke to me as in high of regard as I do, doesn’t give me the right to throw them away as she has done.

Many have said that this will cause any potential love interests to run away. If so, they aren’t the right person for me. If I end up alone for the rest of my life, that is how I shall be. This is how important that vow is to me.

Right now, I feel as if I wasted my vow. Hope is a dangerous thing however, and there is a candle of hope deep within that is burning for the memory of those vows we said to each other on August 14th, 2004. I only hope that she feels the same.

She’s Moved On

6 weeks ago, my partner of 14 years and my wife of 11 filed for divorce. The reasons are varied, and according to her it’s something that must be done. I simply see it as giving up. Giving up on a lifelong vow, giving up on a family, giving up on a relationship and giving up on a person.

I’m not going to go on and on about how she shouldn’t do this, how I want her back, or anything like that because it won’t do me any good. It’ll only add hurt to a soul who’s been tortured his entire life.

The big reason for the divorce is trust. We have destroyed that in each other. Secondly, she no longer loves me. The why part is hard to digest and hard to explain. She’s fallen for the charms of another man, one who has just divorced himself. Rebound anyone?

All requirements for the divorce to be finalized are completed except for a 60 day waiting period and a judges’ signature. There is no going back. We have split everything up except for our home of 9 years, which I am trying to save. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I am trying to get a couple of room mates to help me pay for the mortgage and utilities, as well as trying to do something to lower the mortgage payment by any means necessary.

If that plan fails, our home will simply go back to the bank and I will be on the other side of that door. I will be seeking a room to rent, as I certainly cannot afford to rent even a 1 bedroom apartment in this town anymore. This is the reality of my life now.

People try to help, but many of their words hurt more than help. Telling me to “love my children” does the opposite of helping me. I see my children and I see 2 failures in my life. I see the 2 women who loved me, but decided to love someone else instead. I see 2 relationships and 2 families that are irrevocably damaged. I see 2 children who will (and have) have to endure the same things I never wanted for my children, at all costs. The moving back and forth, the split holidays, the split everything. Because of that, I feel like I failed them. I can’t let them know, but that’s how I feel inside.

A lot of people wonder why fathers abandon their children. It’s just a guess, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a common thought with divorced and separated fathers. No, I’m not abandoning my children. Do I want to see them and love them? Not really at this time, it hurts more than seeing the face of my soon to be ex. It’s as if I have to remove those memories from my brain in order to move forward, a hard but not impossible task.

I was pretty fortunate as a child, and I believe my children are as well. The 1 and only thing I wanted for them was to have a “nuclear” family. The 1 thing I never got. The 1 thing I’ll apparently never be able to provide them.

Life goes on however, and so will I.

I’m Back!

After a very long hiatus, I’m back!

Much has happened in my life, too much to write in one post really. So I’m going to give a summary of sorts and then expound on the issues. Writing is therapy for me, and I need lots of therapy right now.

First of all, my wife and I of 11 years are divorcing. The reasons are varied and many. It’s the primary cause of the therapy I need, the things I need to get out. She and I both did things that hurt each other, and destroyed our trust in each other.

Secondly, I got a vasectomy today. In todays day and age, it’s important for men to take reigns in on their sexuality and responsibility for that. After a test in 3 months to ensure of it, my baby making days are over.

Last but certainly not least, my father passed away last year in December. To me it was the beginning of the end. From there, as the Star Trek quote goes “chakka, and the walls fell.” His death was really a watershed moment in my life.

I have some motivations to keep my mind off of the emotional and physical pain right now. I’m trying to save my home. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I’ve put the last 9 years of blood, sweat and tears into this home and don’t want to give up on it lightly. I’ve documented a lot of the work on this blog. I’m currently trying to find people to rent out a couple of rooms from me.

I’m also trying to rediscover myself. I gave my all to this marriage and lost the true meaning of me. I’ve reconnected with my old friends and they have really helped me find the me within. I miss that guy.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. so eloquently stated, “If you can’t fly run, if you can’t run walk, if you can’t walk crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

My eyes are on just that, when they aren’t full of tears.

1 Down

Tonight I finished the renovation of our master bathroom that I wrote about previously. There’s still a little bit of touch up painting to do, but the real work is over.

I’ll let the pictures do the talking. Here’s the highlights.

This bathroom is mainly used by my wife. She picked basically everything, I’ve got to give it to her on her choices. The finished room really looks nice!

The floor I installed was one of those “easy tongue and groove” systems. It was not easy by any means. I had to literally install it one way and then remove everything and install it another way.

I reused the toilet, but converted it to dual-flush. It’s amazingly green.

Now it’s on to planning and preparing for “the big one.” A complete demo and remodel of our main bathroom. The pressure will really be on for this one as I don’t see my wife being happy with using our shower, which is located downstairs.

Preparing for the Big One

Through the years I’ve wrote a lot about my on-going home renovation projects. I’ve done so many that I’m now down to doing large projects instead of small “easy” ones. Our bathrooms have been easily the most neglected spaces of our home. We’ve decided to finally remodel them, they deserve it.

Our master bathroom, which is a half-bathroom needs the least work and will be done first. It is by far the smallest room in the house. Measuring in at 4′ x 6′, there isn’t much room for anything.

We’re adding texture to the walls as a quick fix. Originally wallpaper was put up, but we took it down. What remains is dried glue and many places where repair is needed. With a little joint compound and some creativity – It’ll look beautiful. Surprisingly there is a standard size double hung window in the room. To give privacy the original owners installed plantation shutters. Both of us hate them (especially in this room), so I’ll be applying some window tinting to give some privacy and save space.

The flooring is carpeted. I would like to know what drugs people were on in the 60’s and 70’s that made them think that a type of flooring that likes to hold water was a good idea in a room with nothing but plumbing! We haven’t decided what we are going to put in just yet, but it will probably be vinyl flooring of some type.

The only remaining items in that bathroom are the lavatory, medicine cabinet and lighting fixture. One weekend Rachel and I went to our local home improvement stores and without an argument, agreed on almost everything we need. We have some pieces that will be the same in both bathrooms, but each will have their own style.

The main bathroom is a completely different story than the master. This bathroom was not built right to begin with. When we moved into the house, the drain lines for the toilet and tub had to be replaced. The tub surround is merely tile that has been glued onto the drywall. Mold is in no short supply in this room. I’ve decided that I’m going to gut this room except for the ceiling. I expect some repair work will be needed on wall studs or joists.

What we have decided, mainly based on our experiences is that we need to have a better tub surround system. After searching high and low I found one. It goes from the top of the tub to the ceiling. There is also an optional cap component that acts as a ceiling for the shower, encapsulating that area from water infiltration.

We’re also going to install a whirlpool tub, score.

Everything Old is New Again

It’s been way too long since my last post. It seems as if I forget about my little corner of the world here and forget to drop in and reflect on my life, which is the main reason for this blog.

At the beginning of last summer, I accepted a position with VICOPS (Collaboration Technologies) at Indiana University. This small department handles all of the videoconferencing/collaboration resources for the entire Indiana University system and outside affiliates. I work for the help desk, where we take telephone and video calls for assistance with issues regarding technologies such as desktop videoconferencing, Adobe Connect, Telepresence, etc.

At the beginning of the fall I was offered and accepted a full time hourly position with them. I no longer have to worry about finding multiple jobs to fill hours. It has been a great relief to my family as well. I never realized how much I actually treasure steady working hours.

I’m only 10 credit hours away from graduating. This semester I’m taking nothing but Informatics and Computer Science courses. Most of these are just introductory courses, which are a cakewalk for someone with my knowledge in the subject.

My business has received a much needed injection of attention. After changing the name from LML Video Services to Magic Media Services, things just died out. I then put a request on reddit for someone to help redesign the logo for my business. I was more than surprised at the results when someone obliged my request. I am now working on redesigning my website, which will be located somewhere on the rox.com domain temporarily.

Rachel and I finally got “grown up” furniture for our bedroom. With the assistance of my neighbor Bill we got a new dresser, chest of drawers, headboard, armoire and night stand. We also purchased a new mattress and box spring, which was needed greatly. Our old, borrowed furniture went back to my grandma who lent it to us over 10 years ago. I can’t thank her enough for the kindness in her heart.

Over the weekend I replaced the first of three sinks in our home. The one in our utility room (they are all exactly the same) started leaking about a gallon of water a day. The drain was rusted out, but I couldn’t replace it as it was seized together.
The shut off valves for the water lines were seized as well. With all of the water problems this area had previously, we knew this was going to be ugly. Since we needed a place to give Amelia a bath while remodeling our main bathroom (which will be happening soon) we decided to purchase a utility sink for the space. 8 hours and 3 trips to Menards later, I was both finished with the project and worn our physically and mentally.

On the ROX side of life, I’m currently downloading the latest finished episode for distribution to CATS. #96 will be on the air soon in Monroe county.

Hopefully I’ll be back soon with more organized and focused posts.