Category: Life

Catching Up – The Charges

Lots has happened in my life since that dark and horrible time in my life that I last really used this blog.  I’m going to try to update as best I can.

My now ex-wife and her sister formally filed criminal charges against me.  I discovered this only when what appeared to be an advertisement from an attorney came in the mail.  It said that I had a warrant out for my arrest!  Not believing everything I read, I looked it up through Indiana’s online court system.  It was true.

This news came to me on a weekend, lawyers typically don’t work on the weekend – but the one that sent me the flyer/ad did!  So I hired her.  I wanted to get that warrant taken care of as soon as possible.  I felt like I was running from the law, and it kept me up at night.  Unfortunately due to the charges, there was a 24 hour hold if I were to turn myself in.  That was the test I gave the lawyer.  She was ineffective in removing that hold, which I read lawyers can get done.  Due to this, she refunded the retainer I had paid her and I moved onto another attorney, purportedly the best in town.

The retainer and fees were almost triple what the first lawyer charged, but it was worth it.  Every penny.  He was able to get that hold removed, and I turned myself in.  That was an interesting experience, one I had never experienced before.  I sat in the “drunk tank” for 3 hours.  There was a gentleman who was apparently passed out/under the influence in there, and another gentleman who was speaking another language primarily.  He could speak some english, but his accent was very thick.  I couldn’t make out what language it was exactly.  Then came along an inmate from one of the state prisons, he said he was convicted of murder and there for a court hearing in the morning.  He and I had a good conversation.  It was odd/scary/weird at the same time.  A good friend posted my bail money, to which I paid back asap.

The charges, which I won’t explain in detail were 2 felonies.  I was looking at a maximum of 6 years in prison for the events of that night.  It destroyed everything I had worked for my entire life, my character.

My lawyer told me 1 piece of advice, that really was odd to me but makes sense when I look back upon it.  He told me to just live my life and not try to get into trouble.  Don’t try to investigate or solve anything, that was his job.

He filed for discovery documents and mailed me copies.  In it were pictures of my ex-wife and her sister, the police report, everything from that evening.  I was appalled at the gross mis-representation of the situation by the police officers.  The pictures were such a staged thing to me.

I didn’t have much communication with my lawyer except for our initial visit, and the court date.  But man did that guy work miracles, some of them wouldn’t come to light until a year down the road.

He was able to negotiate the charges down to the lowest level a criminal charge can be, an A misdemeanor.  He was also able to get those charges changed as he put it, “on the front end.”  This meant, I wasn’t taking a plea bargain.

I am one to always take responsibility for my actions, and while I do feel like I acted improper that evening, I will always state that I had never had an anxiety attack like that in my life.  I do not understand how this might have played into a trial, but it was something on my mind.

My court hearing was quick, and very confusing.  I spent more time watching a video about pleading guilty to a crime than I spent inside the courtroom.  I was convicted and sentenced to 1 year of probation, with the sentences running concurrently, meaning both sentences ran at the same time.

Due to this conviction, a report was sent to the state police and then onto the federal government.  My 2nd amendment rights had just been removed, and for a while I thought permanently.

I was then told to report to the probation department immediately after leaving the courtroom.  While there, they took an intake interview and made a follow-up appointment.  I then had to go a block down the road and take a drug test, as no drugs or alcohol was a part of my probation requirement.  I was unable to urinate and was threatened about being thrown in jail until I could.  This is when the reality of the matter set in for me.  After about three months, I was released from supervised probation and moved to unsupervised.  I didn’t have to see my probation officer (who is a pretty cool guy), I didn’t have to do anything but live my normal life.  I was one step closer to getting this monkey off my back.

When my probation term was finished, I received an amazing surprise.  One my probation officer and judge just couldn’t believe.  My lawyer somehow got wording in my guilty plea that once my sentence was finished, the charges would be dismissed.

They were.

Starting Over

As of this moment, I’m basically starting over in life.  Not a move I wanted to make, but I digress.

I’m starting with my girls.  My first mission is to revamp what is now their space.  I just purchased a very nice bunk bed for them and will eventually have their room stocked as it should be.  My now ex-wife took everything of my youngest daughter’s except for her toiletries.  I’m not asking for them back either, like a phoenix I will rebuild.  Dad’s place will be special to her.  The home she came to from the hospital will always be a home for her, even if she isn’t there full time.

Then it’s a matter of building a new identity for myself.  I built my adult identity as a family man, but I have no family now.  I don’t expect or want a new one either.  I’m my own man now.  I’m not going to get anywhere by sitting at home like a bump on a log either.  It’s not going to help me, it’s only going to hurt me.  I need to get out there, unfortunately the peer group I typically hang out with is either 15 years older or younger than me.  It works against me in many ways.  I need new friends, I need single friends.  I need new experiences.

The first step is to blank the canvas that was created in my home.  I have a lot (and I do mean a lot) of holes to patch.  Once I get that completed, I think my mind can finally start to settle.  I’m just having some trouble with motivation.

I have a room mate, and I feel like I’ve won the lottery with this guy.  My home is cleaner than I think it ever has been at this point.  I only wish he would be here longer, because before you know it he will be leaving for his home in Oregon.

Goodbye IU

Suddenly this week, my soon to be ex-wife left her position at IU.  She didn’t leave for another position, she just left.  She had a good paying position in what I always thought of as a prestigious department.  In her 13 years at IU, she started as a temp worker then landed a job at the Kelley School of Business in their MBA program, then moving to Informatics and then where she was (which I will not name), then became the VP of the Bloomington Professional Staff Council, which she recently resigned her duties from.

I was very proud of her professionally.  She embodied everything I hoped to be in life.  I was not jealous, just proud.  I was proud to be her husband, and I’m sad to no longer be.

I don’t know how to take this news.  I’ve been a flood of emotions about it myself.  The only thing I want in my heart is for her to go out and do this thing she’s so hell-bent on doing, and see that guy she left is the same guy she married and upon seeing that, want to come back to me.  Of course my mind knows this is more than likely a dream, if I could only get those two organs to speak to each other, I wouldn’t be such a split man right now.

She’s a smart, and strong woman.  I know she will get back on her feet quickly, or at least I hope she does.

Slumlord

Yesterday, I became something I never thought I would be, a landlord.  I don’t know how to think of it exactly.  I’m just trying to save my house, but I know I can’t do it on my own.  I’ve been talking to this guy for a while now, he’s in the area for a while on some family business.

Now to find a 2nd tenant, as much as I’d love to just have 1 room mate, I can’t really swing it that way, as my income will soon be dropping by $200 a month.

I have a prospect, but I’m unsure if the reward is worth the risk with this one.  It’s my (now get ready for this) ex step aunt’s son, or could be explained as my half sister’s cousin.  He is supposedly a high functioning person with autism.  His mom called me and said that she wants him to be a little more independent and leave the nest.

I worry that his mom might take that as an invite to be a 2nd tenant, and want me to take over all of his needs.  I have enough on my plate, I’m just renting out space here I have enough projects in life.

I’m working on several angles at the moment.  I have 2 upcoming job interviews that could potentially take some of the pressure off of me.  While I do enjoy the role I’m in currently, I know it’s just a stepping stone for me.  I’m also trying to get my mortgage payment lowered.  I’m also going to see if I can get my escrow account closed and pay for my insurance and taxes directly.  My mortgage payment isn’t really the issue, it’s that escrow account.

The reality of my new life is starting to become actuality.  It scares me.

The Things We Do for Those We Love

I had quite the adventure yesterday.  My high school sweetheart and mother of my eldest daughter, asked me if I wanted to go out-of-town with her.  She and I are on really good terms and due to my situation I’m always looking for a reason to escape.  So I agreed.

Her niece, who will always be a niece to me was in some trouble.  She was practically being held captive in her baby daddy’s parents’ home.  They took her car keys, shut off her cell phone and even made it so she couldn’t access wireless internet from within the home.  She was made a prisoner from within the home she’s lived in for the past year.

She has a daughter and is pregnant with their son’s child.  Her relationship with him has been on the rocks, and they gave her an eviction notice, effective November 1st.  I can’t even comprehend this fully.  Is this how you treat the mother of your grandchildren?

When my ex and I were together, it was a tradition of sorts for her and I to watch her (she was under 10 at the time) every NYE.  It was weird to be a teenager and feel at ease to play family for a night, but they are fond memories that I genuinely cherish.

She lives almost 4 hours away, so we left my house at 8am and started on the journey.  We had lots of talks and connection between the 2 of us.  We’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve smoothed them out over the years and are really good friends and co-parents.  We still struggle with some things our daughter does (or doesn’t do), but we are proud of the person she has become on the inside.  If she would only bring those amazing qualities out for the world to see.

So we get there, and get a uhaul truck and drive to the location where K is staying.  I’ll keep her name is as that.  We pull into the driveway and one of the homeowners tell us to get off the property, so we oblige.  My ex and the homeowner then get into a somewhat heated shouting match.  I’m not there to do anything but move stuff, but it’s even stressful on me.

My ex calls the police, and they show up.  The guy is from Bloomington and graduated from BHS (when Bloomington only had 1 high school).  He then tells us that he knows the homeowners.  K comes out, and they lock the door behind her, at first they refuse to let her get any of her things.

Again, I don’t understand.

After a standoff of sorts, things start to come.  At first I wasn’t sure how little or how much we would get.  We eventually filled an entire uhaul truck.  I was kinda shocked at the amount of stuff she had.

We then quickly unloaded most of it into a storage unit K had purchased and then went to dinner with K and the on again off again boyfriend and her daughter.  My ex had them do a birthday thing for me (which embarrasses the hell out of me) but it was quick, and she’s fun.  She bought me dinner too, I’m appreciative.

By this time it was 6:30pm and the ex and I were on our last bits of energy.  We were tired and still had almost a 4 hour drive home.  We got to the place where K was going, and had to unload the rest of the truck up 3 flights of stairs.  She and I were ruined by that.  We dropped the truck back off at uhaul.

I made a big mistake when we dropped the truck off.  I had found an 80’s station and this infectious tune came on.  I cranked it up and it took all the pain and frustration from the day away for me.  I had turned the cab and cargo area lights on so my ex could clean it out, locked the doors and forgot to turn them off.  She put the keys in the drop off and we had no way to turn them back off.

We then finally made the journey home.  I made it home right around 11:30pm, and took a shower and went to bed.

The lesson here?  I had a full day, and I accomplished something.  It was selfless, it was for someone I love.  I’m starting to really feel like an adult (weird to finally think that at 35, I know).  Don’t worry, be happy.  It’s a new way to look at life.

Rants

I’m in a mood to just get a lot of things out.  They may not be clear thoughts, they may not be proper thoughts.  They are however my thoughts.  My mind destroys me at times, I’ve been told it’s a common Scorpio trait.

I’ve had 2 serious romantic relationships in my life.  In those relationships, the female was always very quick to take the lead on just about everything.  I just seemed to be there for the ride.  Hindsight is 20/20, but it’s definitely a part of the equation in the breakdown of my marriage and previous relationship.

My love affair with technology is too much for women to handle at times.  Why?  My computer never judges me for not earning enough.  My computer never makes me feel like a bad father because X, Y, or Z are doing things with their children that I do not.  If you want to make me feel judged, I will hide.  My flight instinct is the strong one.

Going back to hindsight, I should have divorced her when I discovered her secret email account containing her relationships with other men.  Of course I couldn’t though, because I loved this woman with everything of my being.  So stupidly I offered an open marriage as a choice.  Not because I wanted to but because I’m horrible with ultimatums.

I’m still paying the price for that decision.  I will be doing so for the rest of my days.

I should have never became paranoid that she was going to leave me, the present is proof of it.  This turned me into a monster of epic proportions.  Key loggers, hidden cameras, constant surveillance.  I used my IT skills for evil for the first time in my life really.  It became a cat and mouse game.  I just wanted to ensure I got the truth.  I still firmly believe I’ve only gotten half-truths since I’ve given up my ways.

That’s the other part of the equation in the break down in our marriage.  It’s hard for either of us to believe a thing the other says.

Today has been somewhat heated between her and I for some reason, and I’m not exactly sure why.  Is it the culmination of all of these things floating around my brain?  Possibly.  Is it the fact that I feel very alone in the world right now?  More than likely.  It’s come to the point where a bad interaction is better than no interaction at all.

I’d rather have a fist fight than make love.  It’s sad, but it’s what has become of me.

 

The 5 Stages

I’ve been thinking about the Kübler-Ross model for stages of grief, it has 5 of them to be exact.  I didn’t really go through that with the loss of my father.  He lived a good life, and I was proud of him as a person.  The biggest problem I had was the loss of his presence.  He gave me comfort.

With the divorce however, I have definitely seen myself slide through those stages.

  • Denial

I was in denial for a long time.  Years to be exact.  She did many things that I was in denial about.  But did I ever think she’d actually file for divorce and be so head strong about it?  It still blows my mind.  There is nothing to deny now however, it’s all a matter of record and it’s pretty obvious that the feelings she once had for me have resided.

Sadly my candle of hope lingers on.  There is a big piece of me that wonders if she’s just checking other yards to see if the grass is greener, or has an urge to dip her toes in the pool of men in the world.  Time will tell us all.

  • Anger

The easiest of emotional states to be in.  I still get triggered from time to time.  Right now, I feel as a failure, not just to two children and to a wife but to myself.  Then to add another person to the mix who can slide right in and do all of those things we did as a family?  That’s below the belt in my book, but he’s just a “friend.”  I’ve threatened to kill people, I’ve pondered committing suicide.  It’s so easy to go there.  It’s blown me away how easy it is to think these thoughts during such a hard time.  My mind is very much like the Billy Joel song “I Go To Extremes.”  For me it’s always been a defense mechanism.  You know if I care about something if I get angry about it because I fight for it.

  • Bargaining

I still do this from time to time.  As I’ve said previously, I’ll always want her back.  I will be married to her in my soul forever.  I still tell her that too, hoping she will say something similar and justify what I have just said.  I never get direct answers however, just enough to make my addictive personality want another fix.  There really has been no real bargaining, just dealings with an emotional terrorist of sorts.

This will stop swiftly I’m sure, as her words have a way of calming me but her actions do the opposite.  There’s no reason to bargain with someone who is actively making these choices.

  • Depression

I currently reside in a state that bounces between this stage and the final stage, acceptance.  I definitely have my fair share of good days, and bad ones.  I had my first shower in 5 days today!  Why be clean when you have no one to be clean for?  Why be a good and productive person when the reasons for doing so no longer exist?  I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad lately, as he was about the same age as I and I was about the same age as Amelia when my own parents divorced, 5 months difference to be exact.  (That factoid REALLY hurts my soul) What would dad have done?  The only things I have to motivate me are my technology, my home and my job and the status of one of those things is questionable.  For a person whose only dream in life was to be married and have a family, it’s like being the king of a kingdom of 1.

Many have told me to seek counseling.  I actually had a few months of counseling in the spring, and stopped when she decided she wanted to “try” again.  I’ve had so many years of counseling in my life that I’m not sure how it would help at this point.  Psychological tools won’t help me.  Removing the pain and torment through any means necessary will.  I think this is a fine time to take up something I’ve had very fine control on most of my life, alcohol.

  • Acceptance

I’ve accepted the fact that my life as I’ve known it is no more.  I’ve been living it for 6 weeks at this point.  I’ve accepted the fact that the person I vowed my life to no longer loves me romantically.  I’ve accepted the fact that my 6 year old daughter will soon share something with her 16 year old half-sister that I never thought would happen, that I never wanted to happen.  A thing that scarred me so badly it caused me to try to get a vasectomy right after my eldest was born (I was refused that by 3 doctors by the way).  Something only their father genuinely understands from their perspective.  All of those previous statements depress me, and that’s why I’m in an if statement with no exit strategy at the moment.

 

Back to the Grind

Today is my first day back at work since the procedure.  I’m tired and in some pain still.  Primarily because the chair I’m forced to sit in gives too much support in that area.  I have no options or alternatives.

Over the past few years, I’ve become addicted to something that’s really hard to let go of.  Talking to people.  It may sound odd or peculiar but it’s true.  I talk to people from the moment I wake up until the time I go to sleep.  It really has controlled my life.  So I’m really working on cutting that back.  My first step is to cut out the amount at which I speak to others.  I’ve done pretty good at that.  It’s really shown me some things about myself and where I stand in other peoples lives.  The connections I’ve made with others mattered much more to me than it mattered to others, at least their lack of action has proven that to me.

Last night I received a promising call.  A gentleman would like to rent a room in my home.  He wants to sign the lease and move in as soon as my soon to be ex wife and daughter are out.  He should be in town until April or May.  So not long term, but better than nothing.  That’s all I can expect at this point really.   I can only assume my ad on Craigslist for renting out my home will be there in perpetuity, amongst all of the high priced places for $600 a room.

I’m writing in this blog at the moment because my mind wants to get all of these thoughts out, but I’m tired of talking people just to talk.  So I shall broadcast instead.

I miss talking to my wife.  I will totally put the blame on my addiction on her.  It was with her that I would talk all day every day through instant message about our days, while we carpooled together.  It gave us closeness that I don’t think many people understood.  Now that closeness is gone, and even though we still talk there is a irrefutable *thing* in the air that keeps us distant.

I’ve tried all of the online dating sites.  Wow.  It’s appalling actually.  Most of the womens’ entries have along the lines of “I like campfires and fishing, and my kids always come first” with typically a line in there about being tired of games, lies and hookups.  Such an aggressive stance for someone reaching out, no?  It makes a guy like me run for the hills actually.  That’s just the first gate, the hurdle is even messaging most of them as many of the sites require you to pony upwards of $70 a month for the opportunity.  Not money I’m willing to spend.

So I’ve went to my past, and tried to re-forge connections.  I’ve reconnected with a girl (now woman) who I’ve had a crush on since middle school.  Come to find out, she and I are very similar.  Sometimes it’s downright scary how much.  It isn’t the right time for anything more than forging that bond though, as she and I are both badly damaged from relationships.  Which is fine for me.  I’m trying to forget the past by creating a new future.  The more things I can do with the more people, the better I am mentally.

Other than that, the world is pretty dark right now.  The uncertainties in my life are driving me insane.  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to rent out enough of my home to keep it.  If I can’t keep it, I will need to get rid of most of the remaining things of the house and pare down my things until they fit in a room.

So in many ways, I’m not just losing a relationship.  I’m losing everything I’ve spent the last 14 years of my life on.  It’s a bitter pill, but I’m swallowing it because I have no other option.

 

She’s Moved On

6 weeks ago, my partner of 14 years and my wife of 11 filed for divorce.  The reasons are varied, and according to her it’s something that must be done.  I simply see it as giving up.  Giving up on a lifelong vow, giving up on a family, giving up on a relationship and giving up on a person.

I’m not going to go on and on about how she shouldn’t do this, how I want her back, or anything like that because it won’t do me any good.  It’ll only add hurt to a soul who’s been tortured his entire life.

The big reason for the divorce is trust.  We have destroyed that in each other.  Secondly, she no longer loves me.  The why part is hard to digest and hard to explain.  She’s fallen for the charms of another man, one who has just divorced himself.  Rebound anyone?

All requirements for the divorce to be finalized are completed except for a 60 day waiting period and a judges’ signature.  There is no going back.  We have split everything up except for our home of 9 years, which I am trying to save.  Neither of us can afford it on our own.  I am trying to get a couple of room mates to help me pay for the mortgage and utilities, as well as trying to do something to lower the mortgage payment by any means necessary.

If that plan fails, our home will simply go back to the bank and I will be on the other side of that door.  I will be seeking a room to rent, as I certainly cannot afford to rent even a 1 bedroom apartment in this town anymore.  This is the reality of my life now.

People try to help, but many of their words hurt more than help.  Telling me to “love my children” does the opposite of helping me.  I see my children and I see 2 failures in my life.  I see the 2 women who loved me, but decided to love someone else instead.  I see 2 relationships and 2 families that are irrevocably damaged.  I see 2 children who will (and have) have to endure the same things I never wanted for my children, at all costs.  The moving back and forth, the split holidays, the split everything.  Because of that, I feel like I failed them.  I can’t let them know, but that’s how I feel inside.

A lot of people wonder why fathers abandon their children.  It’s just a guess, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a common thought with divorced and separated fathers.  No, I’m not abandoning my children.  Do I want to see them and love them?  Not really at this time, it hurts more than seeing the face of my soon to be ex.  It’s as if I have to remove those memories from my brain in order to move forward, a hard but not impossible task.

I was pretty fortunate as a child, and I believe my children are as well.  The 1 and only thing I wanted for them was to have a “nuclear” family.  The 1 thing I never got.  The 1 thing I’ll apparently never be able to provide them.

Life goes on however, and so will I.

Baby Maker: Offline

On Thursday I underwent a procedure that eliminates my ability to have anymore children, called a vasectomy.

Sexual health and responsibility is something that is often placed on women, entirely.  I know that throughout my entire life, it has been that way.  My mother had a tubal ligation after the birth of my sister, and I’ve always relied on the women in my life for that responsibility.  I didn’t actively refuse, it just happened that way.

Children are often called a blessing in life, and I totally agree.  They however were never an “active” thought for me.  They just happened.  I never “wanted” children in my mind, I did welcome them into my life however.  Some may not like to hear that opinion from a father, but it’s how I’ve always felt.  Over the years I’ve had to, or have been asked to censor myself, but no more.

I have 2 daughters, and I’m almost 35.  I don’t want anymore children, and it’s only fair and proper that I take a stance on that.  I’m also never getting married again, but that’s another tale for another post.

I was quite nervous for the procedure.  I’ve had numerous surgeries and procedures done on me over the years, but nothing in the general vicinity.  I was prescribed a pain pill and xanax to take 30 minutes before the procedure to calm me and help.  They certainly did.  I knew a needle would be entering my scrotum to dispense a general anesthetic.  This was the part that concerned me the most, I’m not sure why because I didn’t even feel it.  The urologist then cut a small hole into my scrotum and pulled my vasa deferentia out, one at a time.  He then clamped each one individually, cleared some nerve endings off them.  He then cut them in 2 places and cauterized both of them and placed them back.  He then placed a couple of disovable stitches on the hole.  Procedure done.

I asked if I could keep the 2 inch long piece of each of my vas deferens that he had snipped, but unfortunately he had to keep them for “legal reasons.”  It would have been nice to keep that piece of myself for some interesting reason.

While I technically can no longer deliver fresh sperm to an egg, I can cause a pregnancy for 3 months, as the sperm like to hang on for dear life.  So I have to give a sample in 3 months to ensure infertility.  I have also read in some parts of the internet that a yearly test is a good idea as well.

It was literally easier as far as pain goes than getting blood drawn.  I’m surprised every man doesn’t have this done at some point their life.  With the Affordable Healthcare Act, this procedure is paid for 100% by insurance, making it even more of a no brainer.

For the first 36 hours or so, I became close friends with 3 bags of frozen peas.  As of today, I still have a little pain, but have given the peas a break.  I’ve been a bump on a log and stayed on my couch.

I look forward to not worrying about the potential of becoming a father, because I did something about it.