Life – lee-lawmaster.com

The Year of Petty

Those who don’t have a deep knowledge of NASCAR won’t understand, but this has been the year of Petty for me. You see, the “king” of NASCAR is Richard Petty, and the number of his car? 43, my current age.

As with time, it has came and it is about to go. I have done many petty things during this year. Things I’ll never repeat electronically. Things I regret immensely. But through those things, I’ve learned many lessons.

I’ve learned to not let my emotions control my physical actions. I’ve learned that the feelings that I may be feeling at any moment in time will pass. That those feelings are telling me something, something I need to tune into and learn from. I’ve learned that my mood is much better with positivity instead of my normal pessimistic negative inclinations.

I’ve had a lot of darkness enter my life this year. The loss of a person I thought I would die with, the loss of my best friend and then the loss of my stepbrother. Dealing with a parent that seemed to only care about her own interests and not of her children’s, the list goes on and on. That darkness consumed me for a while, feeding the side of me that doesn’t care.

When I don’t care, all bets are off. Breaking laws? Whatever. Jail or prison? I could use a change of scenery. Use your imagination to think of the path that can lead me down. It’s very dark, very twisted and a place where light doesn’t exist.

That care however? That’s what makes me, me in many ways. That care is why I would buy a friend a futon because her ex took her couch. That care is why I always listen to others, even if their complaints are about me. That care is why my compassion for others is never ending. That care is why I ran a business not based on how much I could make, but focused on how many people I could help. That care is why helping people is a core value of mine, regardless of my own personal benefit.

Through a lot of soul searching, journaling, therapy and other things I have been able to see how much that care brings a genuine smile on my face.

Bye bye petty! I had fun with you while you were around, but from here on out I don’t have room for you and what you do to me in my life.

I Had a Feeling

I knew the highs of the last few days wouldn’t continue forever, and as I suspected I was right. But you know what? It’s okay, and it will be okay. What’s meant to be will, and I should not concern myself with things I cannot control. It does no good for me or my well being.

I had a wonderful night last night at the Falling in Reverse concert with my ex fiancee. A band I wouldn’t have known about or liked if it wasn’t for her. I told her that she was my conduit for this genre of music, as it’s the truth. I always liked the contrast between our musical styles.

Before the show, I snapped this photo of us. It will probably be the last photo of us together.

Both of us have changed significantly since we started hanging out as friends in 2016. I losing hair and going grey, while she lost a large amount of weight.

The show was amazing, and I’m happy I went. For a while we even had a mosh pit in front of us. There were 5 bands that played, and each one put on one hell of a performance. Especially Blackveil Brides and Falling in Reverse.

Today she messaged me that she’s working on fixing things with her new guy, and because of that we can no longer really talk or hang out. I kind of saw this coming, and I understand but am filled with sadness from it.

We had spent 3 lovely evenings together, working on repairing the damages of the past and forging a new version of a friendship. I’m thankful that I had the opportunity of those 3 evenings instead of nothing at all. One of her last texts to me read, “I’m sorry maybe one day.” I hope so too Lyndsey.

This isn’t a purely sad post however, as just as the night was filled with darkness, the girl I went on a date with on Sunday texted me. It’s as if she has a sense that some words from her would be helpful to my mood. She and I seem to be getting closer and closer in a way I’ve never felt or experienced with another. It’s exciting and a literal breath of fresh air. She’s a very busy girl, so I take all of her in while I can. Our next date is planned for this Saturday, a Luau. I cannot wait, and from what it seems like, neither can she.

The future is bright, I just have to keep seizing opportunities as they come.

Another Red Ribbon Day

This weekend really was good to me, and I appreciate all that life is giving to me right now.

I had a date yesterday with someone I met on a dating website. She and I had been chatting for a while, but it was our first time meeting. I was nervous as she’s younger than me. We met at the Runciple Spoon, a place I adore but don’t go to that often. It was a bright and beautiful day. I felt like I did most of the talking, but she seemed to enjoy it. We ended our brunch date agreeing to swap phone numbers and to have a second date. I gave her a hug and we parted ways.

I came back home, still tired from the day before and sent her a message with my phone number, telling her that she could text me.

I then proceeded to fall asleep and wait for the concert I was going to see, Soul Asylum, Live and Stone Temple Pilots. 3 HUGE bands from my youth. My ex was going to be there, but after the night we had together I thought everything would be okay.

I had a ticket in the pavilion, right behind the pit. It was a great seat BUT I was surrounded by dudes. Once the lights came on I had to retreat, as they would have caused me to have a seizure if I had stayed there.

So I retreated and sat with my ex fiancee, her daughter and her friend for the rest of the show. Sure the views weren’t as good – but the company was better. The whole concert I was thinking about that date, and wondering if I’d hear back from her. With so many people ghosting me out of the blue, I assumed it would be the same thing – but it wasn’t! She texted me as I was leaving!

Tonight I have another concert, Falling in Reverse. A show the ex fiancee and I were going to go to before everything fell apart between she and I. I’m happy we are going to be able to go. I’ve missed music, I’ve missed concerts.

I felt lost for so long, but now it definitely feels as if things are looking upward in my life. I’m just going to keep taking things as they come, and appreciating the good things as they have been so far and few between.

We just setup our next date, a Luau put on by a dear friend who has helped me through some of the darkest times of my life including the recent break-up.

Onward and upward!

Repairing Burned Bridges

The breakup with my fiancee was the hardest thing I’ve ever went through emotionally in my life. It turned my Scorpio tendencies on fire. Sadness, which fueled anger in an endless cycle that didn’t care about it’s victims.

It burned all of my bridges with her, and her children. The last time I spoke with her she said “I don’t want anything to do with you for the rest of my life.” Even though at this point I was as equally done with her, it hurt to the core. I never imagined the person whom I honestly think I will call “the love of my life, and the one that got away” would say such a thing. But I deserved those comments from the actions I pulled, which I will not repeat or explain.

This week fate had a way of opening that locked door. I had concert tickets – but nobody to go with. So I was going to give them to her, she already had 2. Let her have the fun. I reached out not knowing she had blocked cellular communications and emails from me. But she had just unblocked me before I emailed her and asked about it.

It’s clear that she really didn’t like how things were between us either, and did those things to protect herself. I miss my best friend, the best friend I’ve ever had. That’s all I want.

It’s so strange, because as we’ve talked it’s felt like just when she and I began to talk in early 2016. It feels good to my soul too. I only hope we continue to make progress and build the deeply built trust that was between us. I want this “new” period to be healthy, with boundaries that build respect and mutual appreciation with forgiveness of the past.

The only thing my soul wants is peace, having her back in my life in whatever manner is comfortable for her will help achieve that peace.

Eight Years

Eight years ago, I was on an adventure with a friend who ended up lighting the fire of passion within my soul.

It all started because my baby cousins were getting married in Oklahoma, and I hadn’t made the drive in a while solo. My ex wife, concerned with my history of having seizures asked me to see if someone would go with me. I sure found someone. I asked her simply because she was a friend who had the opportunity, but before we left we had become a couple.

It was a true adventure. One that I’ve been trying to have again ever since. I got pulled over twice within 30 minutes between Kansas and Nebraska. We saw the “Sand Hills”, Carhenge, went to Rushmore and camped with many who were protesting the installation of a pipeline at Standing Rock, at the Sacred Stone camp. Stopping at the Mall of America just for a potty break in a rush home because I was out of time off work.

We woke up and the temperature had dropped 30 degrees, her nose was “frozed” so we found some hoodies at a Dollar General to stay warm.

I’ll forever miss her and our times together. She opened my mind and my eyes to things I will always adore, enjoy and appreciate. There was a fatal flaw in our relationship however, even though she loved me in all the ways I dreamed of ever being loved, I didn’t know how to give that back to her. In the end, it’s why she left.

It’s unlikely our souls will ever intertwine again, and that’s the saddest truth here.

White Flag

That’s what my body is now waving. I’ve been going through what I can only call a period of hell. One where my body screams at me constantly. With my only real escape being sleep (when I’m able to get it).

My prescribed pain medications are no longer working. Chiropractor visits are effective for a few hours. This large inversion table in my home merely takes up additional space, providing no relief.

Due to that, I have finally given in to undergoing a surgical procedure on my spine. I’ve done everything non surgical twice just to be sure. It will be a great “Christmas” present to me, as I am having it on December 23rd.

If you read my blog, keep me in your thoughts. I’m tired of surviving, and want to get back to living again.

Pivot

For many of my generation, that word will forever be tied to a scene from the sitcom Friends.

I am speaking about a different kind of pivot here though. I recently pivoted my career.

Since 2008, I have worked at Indiana University in one way, shape, form as a IT support provider. For the last seven and a half years I have been the Senior Technology Support Technician for the IU School of Medicine-Bloomington.

I will forever be appreciative of that role, not just for what it provided but what it gave in return. The connections to people I can only call heroes, and the ability to afford to live in this world on my own; something many today cannot do.

Over time however, the role and the place became less friendly to a person such as myself. I was given more and more responsibility, yet when asked about an increase in my salary I was given an angry meeting with my director stating “I would never receive another pay raise.”

While the bad times had calmed down, other events happening around me told me that the environment I was in was much like the dinosaurs. The person I literally looked up to, the person I eventually was able to become professionally quit. He professed publicly on social media that he had been bullied and couldn’t stand it anymore. He then moved to New Orleans.

I was also in a position where any increases in salary were questionable at best. A change in my title would be required. So I was stuck. Do I sit and take what is given? Or do I find a new challenge that will let me expand my skills and potentially my paycheck? Employment has always been a hard subject for me, especially attaining it.

I was in luck however, as a friend told me about a job that was opening up. I reached out to the person that held the position, who gave me a great deal of information of the duties involved. I applied, and interviewed. It took a while, but I was the choice of those in the hiring committee.

It’s a large change for me, as the position is a salaried role versus the hourly lifestyle I have lived all my life. I will be receiving my first full paycheck from the position at the end of this week.

The official title is Business and Database Systems Analyst for The University Graduate School. There is no roadmap or solid tasks for the position. Each day is a learning opportunity. Many have told me that it takes about 8 months before they really know what they are doing.

In the meantime, I am also offering limited support to my old job which has thrown the vast majority of my workload onto the Nursing IT Pro, which I tried my best to keep from happening.

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the place and the people that provided me a family when I felt as if I had none. The place that provided me opportunity at the exact time when I could have become homeless.

Now it is on to new goals, new challenges in my professional world.

The Covids

If you follow this blog, you may wonder why it’s been so long since there have been any new posts made. There are several reasons, but primarily because my entire household has been dealing with COVID for the last three months.

At first it was the youngest of the household, Kira. She had been sick for a while but none of us suspected COVID. Then the following day, I began to have post nasal drip and a sore throat. I tested positive on a home test, and proceeded to be in a state of semi conciousness for several days. As soon as I felt safe enough to drive I scheduled a PCR test at CVS. It confirmed what we all knew.

This silly variant would not let go of my body. For a period of 3 weeks I would travel to the same CVS to get the same PCR test every few days. I did not want to be a cause of spread, even though the FDA recommendations as well as IU’s were to quarantine for 5 days, and you were free to return to activities if you had no fever for 24 hours.

Then, our Queen was hit with it. Already dealing with sickness and pains that had kept her in bed for months; she was to stay there some more. She however, decided to seek treatment where I and her daughter did not. She received the anti-viral mediciation Paxlovid.

Our Queen is special you see. If there is a side effect, she usually receives it. If it can be an allergen, she probably has an allergy to it. This makes any situation with health related issues difficult at best.

Thankfully she took it in stride for the most part, she was unable to take her medication for anxiety and had a weird taste in her mouth due to the Paxlovid.

We are all for the most part better now. Kira seemed to pickup another cold of sorts, and Lyndsey and I continue to carry on with our various back and other issues due to the case of getting old.

Say a Prayer, for the Pretender

Who started out so young and strong only to surrender.

I grew up thinking I was born in the wrong time. The music, the things, the surroundings I had were not always of the age I was in. Music of the 60’s and 70’s filled my life instead of the music of the 80’s and 90’s that I was living in. To this day I’m typically twenty years behind musical changes.

My father always told me he that “saw” me in several songs from his youth. Jackson Browne’s “The Pretender” being one of them. He never explained it any further, and so I will be spending the rest of my life trying to solve the riddle he left me with.

Fate gave me a gift however, as two days prior to him coming to the area I discovered, and immediately purchased some decent seats to his show. Had dad still been with us, I would have taken him. I ended up asking 3 people, eventually going with an old work friend. I may have upended her plans for the evening, but who really wants to go to the gym over a concert?

We hadn’t seen each other in the flesh for around five years. So it was good just to be in the same space with each other again.

Back to the subject at hand, there are two lyrics that I think I’ve nailed down that my father saw in me:

“Caught between the longing for love
And the struggle for the legal tender”
“I’m gonna be a happy idiot
And struggle for the legal tender”

I have to say, my father wasn’t necessarily wrong with his findings of his less than 10 year old son. One of my largest struggles has been the balance between love and struggling for that legal tender. Happy however? That’s one descriptor that has never suited me or my personality.

As a now almost forty two year old, the same things can be said about me. But my old mans impression of his boy will forever stick with him.

I shot a few snippets from the show, but this is the only song I shot fully. I only hope I continue to make my old man proud. I hope that he sees me from wherever he is and is proud of all that I’ve had to overcome since he left us. I hope he is proud that his son still doesn’t give up to the challenges put in his life.

In the end, these seem to be the lyrics that have pinned me, much like my old man:

“Gonna pack my lunch in the morning
And go to work each day

And when the evening rolls around
I’ll go on home and lay my body down
And when the morning light comes streaming in
I’ll get up and do it again, Amen
Say it again, Amen”

Writing Has Been Hard

It’s been three months since I’ve written in my blog, and to me that’s a genuine dis-service. Life has not been easy on me for a few months. Between my back issues, increasing and ever present tensions at my employer across the board, and some financial difficulties, I just want to hide.

And so that has been a lot of my life as of late, hiding. I go to work because I would lose everything I have if I didn’t. But then? Then I hide away. Spending much of my time in my bedroom either asleep or with something on my TV while I doze in and out of consciousness.

Spoon Theory is a good metaphor for how I feel.

The things that used to be easy, take much of the finite amount of energies I do have. I have been doing a lot of looking within as of late, and I don’t like what I see.

So I hide.