I was fortunate to witness something yesterday that I don’t think many get the opportunity to see. I witnessed the toxic behaviors that used to control and drive me when it came to my romantic relationships, or to be more succinct achieving them in another.
I made a new friend, an educator at one of the local high schools who teaches ASL and is deaf. She’s a great person to text with, talk with. I met her last week and we had a great time together. While communication in public was tough at times as I don’t know ASL and her phone picked up everything from the wind to other peoples conversations – it was nice. I’m always up for making new friends.
There was a catch though. She has feelings for me. Ones that weren’t apparent to me. From the start I told her that I was just looking for friendship, nothing more.
Yesterday I went to a local Pagan Pride Day with another friend and invited her. She feels all alone and knew someone that was going to be there. We all had fun, and after we left we went to a Mexican restaurant and had a wonderful meal and conversation.
Then the night came, and being overtly outward and blunt to me she asked if I was attracted to her. I replied “no.” This sent her into a storm of which seemed like I was in a fun house of mirrors or something and I wasn’t only reading words but I could literally feel the emotion. This was me, not that long ago. This was me, most of my life.
I saw how, I saw why that was unattractive. Everything suddenly made sense as to why going slow with everything from here on out feels right and is healthier for me than the ways of the past.
It made me realize that I never want to be like that again. That I’d rather find my route alone, than let such things control me again. It’s show me why this path of growth is important, and will be best for my long term happiness.
There’s a reason why I haven’t written in a long time. I need to get back to it. It may help me in the way I need right now in my life.
ACT I
Suddenly and without warning to my brain and heart at the time, my fiancee and partner of almost 8 years left me at the beginning of April. Throwing me into a free fall of emotional and financial turmoil. Her chief complaints? That I never respected her, or her feelings. We hung out as friends for a bit, but it only hurt me more. I would cry like a baby every time we parted ways. It just made me hope she would reconsider. I wish that was the end of the hurt, but it wasn’t. It was the way in which she decided to completely change that did me in. It made me feel as if all of our time together was nothing but a play, where she played a role and never gave me her legitimate self or heart.
I said and did many things to irrevocably destroy any sense of repairing a friendship with her. I struggle with that at times, but she’s done the same to people she’s known even longer than me during this time as well. If anything, it’s brought me closer with people I never thought I would be close to.
Over the months I’ve had time to really think about it though, and it’s clear things would have ended sooner or later. She like my ex-wife, needs “acts of service” to be shown love. In her case a caregiver in many ways. Not a partner. Something I just could not provide her. Her health is a mess, everything was a complication. Our living styles didn’t align either.
I loved her, and gave to her like I hadn’t ever before. Everyone else in my life says she used me, and I believe them now. I gave everything I could, but in the end there would never be enough because it’s not what she wanted.
ACT II
The phrase “It’s best to get over someone by getting under someone new” is quite apt for me. Why? Because in my life, it’s what has worked. I tend to go with what works instead of trying new and/or different solutions to problems.
I had been speaking with someone, we will call her L1 that I had apparently made a connection with in the past. She didn’t want me to know her identity as she was afraid of being “outed” for her preferences. She started it all by recognizing what I was going through and offering her ear. It then quickly transitioned into us becoming play partners for a time, while she wore a mask to keep her identity a secret.
She gave me the most memorable, amazing and fulfilling experience I’ve had with BDSM before. She made it easy to give her the things she wanted, and she made that experience satisfying and fulfilling. Something my ex just couldn’t do.
But I wanted more than she was willing to provide, so I began trying to date. Eventually I met a wonderful lady that we will call L2. Our first date lasted 8 hours! There was excitement, there was chemistry and there was possibility.
There was a problem though. L1 caught wind of L2 and got very jealous of the attention she was getting from me, and wanted it for herself. During my 2nd date with L2, L1 texted and called me incessantly. All but begging me not to continue seeing her, go all the way with her, etc.
I was stuck. I’ve never been a ladies man. I’ve never had a choice when it came to the opposite sex. So I did something I never thought I’d do. I left L2 in a hotel room and drove halfway across my state to be with L1. We laid in her bed until she had to go to work and tried to talk through these things.
We ended up going on a couple of dates, and things were looking up. That was until my phone broke while on a trip visiting my sister. L1 instantly thought I was with L2 because I wasn’t answering her texts.
Because of this, I essentially begged L2 to take me back. Which she did for a while until she ghosted me without warning, then blocked me from all social media. I’ll never understand, and I’ve quit trying to. It’ll only confuse me more.
I’ve felt like up is down and left is right this summer. I’ve found things I enjoy, things I dislike, and things my heart truly misses.
ACT III
For almost a year and a half, my best friend and his son have been living in my home. They had been evicted from the apartment they shared with his brother and wife and were going to be homeless. There are few people in the world I would do anything for, but they are on that list.
It hasn’t been sunshine and roses. Most of the time they didn’t help me out financially or in any other ways. My best friend, a really bad alcoholic with diabetes would drink pretty much any of the alcohol I would buy for myself before I had a chance to even drink it. It was frustrating beyond measure.
But at least they had a home, a place to rest, a place to shower, a place where they could be comfortable.
July 23rd was a normal and unusual day it seemed. I went to work, came home and thought they were both gone. The son working at Walmart, the best friend driving around doing Lyft. But I was wrong. As I sat in my living room watching TV, my best friend was deceased in my basement. It wasn’t until his son came home and I heard “dad, dad, dad, DAD, DAAAAAADDDDDD” that I knew what was up.
He slowly crept upstairs and asked me to call 911, in a broken voice. And so I did. The operator asked me to check on him, to see if CPR or other life saving measures could be done, but he was icy to the touch. He was gone. This began the parade of Sheriff’s, Firefighter’s, EMTs, and finally the Coroner.
I did what had to be done, as he had nothing that would help with his final expenses. I contacted my Township Trustee (who I know very well) to handle getting him cremated. I then started a GoFundMe, so he could have a place with his mom, grandma and grandpa. Thankfully the generosity was enough to cover all of the actual expenses and get my best friend a marker that he would even be proud of, with his beloved WWE logo on it.
This is a draft the place just sent me the other day. The boys decided on some minor changes. It’s the least I could do for the person I knew literally all of my life.
Then, 2 days after the death of my best friend my stepbrother also passed away. Our parents married when I was 6. I looked up to him from day 1. While we were never close, he was always an influence. He was the person that let me know my dad had died. Dad and him always had a contemptuous relationship, and it bothered Shan that he didn’t try to see the good in my dad.
He was one of the first people I called about Mike passing, as they were good friends. We had talked about going to a concert together. He and I saw the Rolling Stones in Chicago in June, just different shows. It turns out that’ll be the closest thing I’ll get to going to a show with my stepbrother.
Epilogue
With so much loss, for the first time in my life I’m seriously considering packing it all up and going elsewhere. The only question at this time is where that place will be. I need to stay somewhat close since Amelia is still in school, but the opportunities are open for many places. I need new experiences with new places, and new walls that don’t haunt me.
Saturday night as I was laying down to go to bed, a large POP and CRACK occurred in my back. I’ve been dealing with this bulged disk for over a year now. Was this a good sign or a bad one?
So far, the news is positive. The nerve pain I have been having has almost disappeared. I still have some slight issues, but nowhere near what I was having.
This means I can actually stand without my leg going numb completely. I still have some numbness, but nowhere near the levels that I had previously.
I plan on getting a hold of the spinal specialist I saw previously to have another CT scan done to see if there are indeed any changes. If so, I definitely won’t have to have any surgery. Something I was genuinely worried about.
Steve, Kelly & I at the Runciple Spoon
I felt so good that I was able to go out and see a couple of friends, one of which was in town from Milwaukee for the LOTUS festival. I had planned on seeing them during the festival, but my back had been hurting so much I barely moved the entire weekend.
Who started out so young and strong only to surrender.
I grew up thinking I was born in the wrong time. The music, the things, the surroundings I had were not always of the age I was in. Music of the 60’s and 70’s filled my life instead of the music of the 80’s and 90’s that I was living in. To this day I’m typically twenty years behind musical changes.
My father always told me he that “saw” me in several songs from his youth. Jackson Browne’s “The Pretender” being one of them. He never explained it any further, and so I will be spending the rest of my life trying to solve the riddle he left me with.
Fate gave me a gift however, as two days prior to him coming to the area I discovered, and immediately purchased some decent seats to his show. Had dad still been with us, I would have taken him. I ended up asking 3 people, eventually going with an old work friend. I may have upended her plans for the evening, but who really wants to go to the gym over a concert?
We hadn’t seen each other in the flesh for around five years. So it was good just to be in the same space with each other again.
Back to the subject at hand, there are two lyrics that I think I’ve nailed down that my father saw in me:
“Caught between the longing for love And the struggle for the legal tender” “I’m gonna be a happy idiot And struggle for the legal tender”
I have to say, my father wasn’t necessarily wrong with his findings of his less than 10 year old son. One of my largest struggles has been the balance between love and struggling for that legal tender. Happy however? That’s one descriptor that has never suited me or my personality.
As a now almost forty two year old, the same things can be said about me. But my old mans impression of his boy will forever stick with him.
I shot a few snippets from the show, but this is the only song I shot fully. I only hope I continue to make my old man proud. I hope that he sees me from wherever he is and is proud of all that I’ve had to overcome since he left us. I hope he is proud that his son still doesn’t give up to the challenges put in his life.
In the end, these seem to be the lyrics that have pinned me, much like my old man:
“Gonna pack my lunch in the morning And go to work each day
And when the evening rolls around I’ll go on home and lay my body down And when the morning light comes streaming in I’ll get up and do it again, Amen Say it again, Amen”
Less than a month after we returned from our almost month long venture in Louisiana, it was hit by a hurricane that tested all of the repairs New Orleans had made after Katrina destroyed many of the systems that keep this city from being underwater.
My friend, Bart Everson stayed to defend New Orleans, while his partner and daughter came back to where they just vacationed, my hometown. At this point, they are all seasoned New Orleanians but I was still worried.
They moved after Katrina to a nicer home, but it isn’t too far away from their old one, which had roughly 6 feet of water in it due to the levee’s failing.
Utility Room by Editor B
This is what I was worried about. This is what I was concerned about. That’s an image of the interior of their home after Katrina. Being the God like creature he is, my friend was able to score a press pass and sneak into the city while it was closed to everyone. It was then when he took this photo and cleaned out the entire first floor of his home. It was the contributing factor in the saving of the home.
Most of my concerns were relieved however, as my friend is fine. The only real damage that he knows of to their home is that their little free library was destroyed, and the TV antenna on top of their roof was taken by the hurricane winds.
Power was restored to their home yesterday, but half a million are still without power. He announced shortly after we left that he is running for city council in New Orleans, on his platform that has awed and inspired me for decades. One of living with nature, instead of against it as we have for hundreds of years.
He posted this right before the hurricane hit
This man has been an inspiration to me since I was literally 11 years old. Even though that inspiration has shifted from star struck wonder to that of true friendship, it amazes me that he is able to still be that beacon of light to me. I would vote for him if I were able.
The Crescent City has wooed me with her charms, and shaken up so many things that were cores to my beliefs. Bart moved there because he couldn’t stand the cold, I’m oddly comfortable there because I have issues with midwestern heat.
My thoughts and my heart are with all of those in the south and northeast who were affected by Hurricane Ida.
I was finally able to be a man of my word to the man who gave me my first blog. When Amelia and I visited for a short period in 2019, I told him I would house-sit for him while he took his vacation, then a worldwide pandemic happened.
We spent 25 days out and about. Primarily staying in and around New Orleans, but making stops in Huntsville, AL, Panama City Beach, FL and Pensacola Beach, FL. We also took day trips to Venice, LA (on the Great River Road) and to Grand Isle, LA.
B has told me over the years that Louisiana during June and July is highly humid, I can’t remember the term he used exactly but it was meant as a warning. That said, now that I have returned – the peculiar weather conditions in the south are actually better for me than those of the midwest. I was able to do all the things there, where I cannot here.
I’m very confused at this point. This is the first part of many writings on this 25 day vacation.
WARNING: This post will have details and images of a graphic nature.
I suffer, with countless others with an auto-immune disorder of the skin called Hidradenitis Suppurativa. This condition normally shows itself when a person enters puberty. It is passed to a person when one of their parents is a carrier. There are varying stages, but this condition never truly gets better. It’s more about mitigation.
At the time in the world when I was becoming an adult, my case of this was only getting worse. I was going to the ED at least once a month in unbearable pain. My own doctors could not figure out what was causing these painful boils that would appear and grow. They called them carbuncles.
This was when I was placed into a trap. The doctors didn’t know what to do and they couldn’t resolve my issues. This is when I was prescribed large amounts of opioid based pain medicines as if they were candy. It was common for me to have 500 pills on hand at a time. The medication didn’t resolve my issues; or relieve my pain however. It only put me in a state of intoxication. This was not how I wanted to live my life.
This was long before social media, I think even WebMD was fairly new at the time. It was hard to find answers on medical issues that were not mainstream. Almost impossible when there was no clear answer as to just what that issue was.
Insert the woman who I came to call Princess Patti. I first found her through a blog she wrote. In it she explained this health disorder and screams of “me too” rang out in my head. She sold little pins that said “HS” on them, and I bought one.
Patricia Jane Fiore
As social media platforms overtook the way people socialize in this world, Patti and I found each other again. She had created a group for people with this disorder, and it was then that my world was changed. I learned that I wasn’t the only one having issues receiving proper medical treatment. I discovered I wasn’t the only one who felt shameful about what this condition had done to my body, and the smells that emanated from the sores on me. I literally found an entire world filled with people JUST LIKE ME. It was liberating to say the least.
Always sweet, always loving. She was a girly girl who loved Paris, The Golden Girls, her Schnauzers and her family. Many called her mamma Patti, as she cared about them more than their own mothers did.
Over the years, she and I would become very close and then drift apart on a repeating cycle. She lived a complicated life, as did I. I had been through my discovery phase of all of this; she continued helping those just finding out, giving them the support and tools they needed to face this new world they didn’t sign up for.
HS Tattoo She Got. She was addicted to them afterwords.
Then I had a surgery to fix the scar for my Vagus Nerve Stimulator, and the world came crashing down. My case of HS (I will call it that for the rest of this post) became like a wildfire out of control. My problems were primarily located in my inner thighs but had now migrated to my underarms, almost overnight. It was devastating.
Patti had the worst case of HS I had ever seen before, and yes she shared images of her afflicted areas with me. She was able to turn her struggles and disasters into a strength for me.
Her HS had began in her vaginal/pelvic area and spread, the most common place for women to get it. At one point the doctors inserted a mesh implant; which wreaked all sorts of havoc on her. She almost lost one of her legs due to one of the surgeries she had. I don’t know if the implant or something else was the cause of, but she also had cancer at one point. That kept her from receiving many of the treatments that are now given to people – like me. She couldn’t have sexual relations like normal people do anymore, and she was constantly battling with Sepsis and other serious life threatening problems. Yet she persisted.
I was just going through our messages, and here’s one of note she said to me. “I think you’re a good man with great intentions , you’re a good person with a good heart and wants to do the right things.”
Here is the thing that troubles me however. According to the entire HS world, and a screenshot from her son (attained through a friend I met through her), she passed away due to a heart attack this week.
From her oldest son, a trusted source sent me this. I removed names to protect privacy.
I cannot find any documentation anywhere that such things are normally noted. Not the newspaper local to her area(s), nothing. While I do not doubt her son’s words, it’s hard for me to find closure. The state in which she lived has peculiar laws on public records, and I can only lend that to blame. She’s the kind of lady that I would have driven half way across the country to attend a funeral for. She made that much of a difference in my life and the life of others. I want to pay the greatest of respect to the woman she was and the woman she became. I want to show her family just how appreciative I am for sharing her with the world.
The saddest part to me is that just a couple of years ago, she was filmed for a production called “For the Hayters.” It was supposed to be on MTV, something I cannot confirm. There is a video on YouTube that I will share however. The title? “43 and Dying” It’s sad foreshadowing of what was to come that truly breaks my heart.
I honestly thought I would pass before she ever thought about going. As a community we have faced many deaths. Many suicides. There comes a point where a lot of people just cannot take the pain, take the internal torment any longer. I didn’t know any of those people; but it’s guaranteed that Patti did.
The community Patti built, the community I’m a part of is tattered and in pieces. All of our collective hearts are broken right now.
Your pain is over now, may you find some peace you weren’t able to find in this life. I will miss you forever and always, my Princess Patti.
I was hoping to wake up at 7am and begin working on a test I need to update for a faculty member. My hopes were dashed, and I ended up not really getting out of bed until about 10am.
I then began my morning routine of going through all of the emails I had received overnight. When I was almost finished with that task, another email hit my inbox, from The Bloomingtonian. The City of Bloomington is beginning a retry at annexation. Sigh.
The green, purple, red, pink, yellow and orange areas are to be annexed.
Surprisingly, I guess I did not write anything on my blog about it when this originally popped up in 2017. The map above was originally a much larger area to be annexed.
I can’t say that it was due to my input, but all of the “1” areas were originally a singular area. I kept telling a friend who is on the city council that those areas needed split up, as they differ greatly. The next map produced was wildly similar than the one shown here.
During that time, he would provide me with information in confidence and I would spew it out and about, frustrating him to the point where he almost ended our friendship.
This is one area where he and I are diametrically opposed, and I failed to consider our relationship in the grand scheme of things with the words I said. I failed him, and for that I will not pester him and then blab my mouth in the clear on social media.
BUT I WILL WRITE MY OPINIONS
A button I received at the first “informational session” during the original annexation push in 2017
I feel that I must provide some history on this since I did not write about it previously.
In 2017, seemingly out of the blue the mayor of Bloomington, John Hamilton unleashed this wide plan to annex over 10,000 acres of “fringe” area into the city of Bloomington. The city hadn’t annexed anything for a period of almost 20 years, and there are certain areas that quite obviously need to be. Over that period of time the city has changed significantly, and the population has increased as well.
Original Annexation Map, 2017
There were several township meetings held so the residents of these areas would have an opportunity to redress the elected officials about this. The one for Van Buren township (where I live) was quite lively. With many boos, etc, etc. It was there where I was first introduced to Geoff McKim, a county council member. I call him the “numbers guy”. He broke down what would happen fiscally if annexation went through. It wasn’t pretty.
I do not live in an area that will be annexed, but per what he said in 2017 my taxes would increase by 26% due to the loss of others on the tax roll for the county and my township.
The only play against annexation in Indiana is remonstrance, where I believe it is 63% of the property owners officially state they do not want to be annexed, it will be stopped.
Back in 2017, the city also stated that many of our township fire departments services would be essentially gutted; and people including me would have to rely upon the Bloomington Fire Department. Their closest station is almost 5 miles away. My township fire department has a station less than 2 miles away, and they have been here in under 2 minutes.
The city pulled some blows that were quite frankly below the belt back then too, as the issue of remonstrance waivers became a major issue. Many new subdivisions outside of city limits would connect to city utilities, and the city would provide it given waivers were signed for these properties. This gave the homeowners no say in the process. It essentially silenced them. This angered me, greatly.
Then it was announced that Cook would pay the city $100,000 per year in order to not be included in the area to be annexed. This made it very clear to us poor working stiffs that this was clearly about money, and a pay to play system was in place locally.
My buddy Steve was right, “All Politics is Local.”
Then, something came out of left field that shocked us all. The state added language into a bill that killed the annexation. Bloomington quickly filed suit stating the bill violated the state’s prohibition on special legislation. The city eventually won that case in the Indiana Supreme Court.
I was happy to see that play out, and work it’s way through the court system. I am no scholar on our states constitution and do not understand many of the rules and mechanisms in play for situations like these. I may be against the annexation; but I am not against our judicial system for these decisions.
So, here we are again. Four years later, a whole lot of arguing in person, online and before the highest court in the state. I don’t know what will happen, but I am still against this massive annexation plan.
The city has went on a wild spending spree, built a $25 million dollar park but still seems to need more money.
By contrast, my township recently completed construction on a new fire station at it’s secondary location. No bonds were issued, no taxes were raised. It was done through fiscal responsibility and saving funds for the expense.
VBFD’s new Stanford station
I’m going to end post I’ve been working on all day long with something short, but sweet. This is an image of me in 2017, at the first informational session the city held on annexation. It was promised to be almost like a round table discussion; but it ended up being just a lot of poster boards around city hall. It felt like they were just trying to hide from those who they wanted to bring into the city to me. I proudly held that sign then, and I feel the same today.
For almost two years, I have been on a journey with other Bloomingtonians to complete something others had tried, but never completed. Over the weekend, we did the thing, and completed it.
The Herald-Times Front Page, 10/16/2020
Three disconnected groups of Bloomington area residents joined forces, doing what they say couldn’t be done. I take no credit for anything major here, but I was involved as much as I could be.
For those reading this who aren’t familiar with the Star Trek universe, Kathryn Janeway was the first Captain of a Star Trek series, Voyager. Her character was born in Bloomington, Indiana. This immediately became a source of pride for trekkies in the area.
The monument and event took place on the B-Line trail, with an immense crowd of fans. So many that it made social distancing almost impossible. I played my typical role of jack of all trades, giving a hand to make sure what needed to be done, was. I’m not fond of the limelight, and prefer to stay out of it as much as possible.
The monument is a bronze bust on a limestone base with an inset stainless steel plate. Beside it is a informational table, that has my name on it twice.
The unveiling setup
Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, we had to lean on live streaming harder than we originally planned for the event. We had some difficulties with the microphones causing echo on the videos we played but otherwise it went well. Later on that day I had checked the stats for the live video, and 16.1k people had viewed it!
Kate Mulgrew has such an infectious smile
We were fortunate that Kate Mulgrew agreed to join us virtually. The event was at 11am but she was in California, where it was 8am. I was so happy to be behind the scenes, where I got these excellent photos of her reactions to this monument of a character she played and is reprising in the new series Prodigy.
If you look closely, you will see my name – twice!
The informational table tells the story of Janeway, and her creator Jeri Taylor who spent her childhood in Bloomington and graduated from Indiana University. The papers in which the Janeway character was created are housed at the Lilly Library. A display of these papers was in the original plan for the unveiling event.
I’m not a fan of pictures of myself, but here I am.
I began the day at 7am, and it was full go until everything ended roughly at 2pm. I was tired, I was exhausted but I was also immensely humbled and fulfilled by the days events. My youngest daughter was there with me to be witness to the event. My eldest joined the live stream, as did one of my aunts in Oklahoma. The next day was my 40th birthday, and this is the best present a guy could have.
My blurb in the booklet
We produced a booklet for the unveiling. I’m unsure of how many were produced exactly, but we ran out of them before the unveiling actually happened. I grabbed four of them because I knew they would go quickly. One of them I gave to Jeremy Hogan, who runs The Bloomingtonian, I gave my girlfriend another. One of them I saved for Steve Volan, who without his connection I would have never been involved in this. I made sure he would be added to the special thanks portion. Leaving one for myself.
We haven’t discussed our long term goals or plans as of yet, I am currently working on a Wikipedia page for the monument, which is currently just a section on the main Janeway page.
Today was a good day. Today I met a man I’ve known strictly through Facebook for what feels like an eternity, but we had never met in real life until today.
He and I share the same debilitating skin disorder, learning of each other in a support group and quickly becoming friends due to our fairly close vicinity to each other.
He knew I was feeling overwhelmed by all of these chores I needed to complete, but couldn’t simply due to the heat and offered to help me clean up the trees I cut down. I completed the task by cutting the pieces into smaller manageable pieces, while he used my mower and cart to haul the wood to the back of my lot.
I became overheated and had to take breaks. I appreciated the company and the brotherhood he provided. Immensely.
I hope more people like him continue to shine a light on this world.
