Category: Divorce

Goodbye IU

Suddenly this week, my soon to be ex-wife left her position at IU.  She didn’t leave for another position, she just left.  She had a good paying position in what I always thought of as a prestigious department.  In her 13 years at IU, she started as a temp worker then landed a job at the Kelley School of Business in their MBA program, then moving to Informatics and then where she was (which I will not name), then became the VP of the Bloomington Professional Staff Council, which she recently resigned her duties from.

I was very proud of her professionally.  She embodied everything I hoped to be in life.  I was not jealous, just proud.  I was proud to be her husband, and I’m sad to no longer be.

I don’t know how to take this news.  I’ve been a flood of emotions about it myself.  The only thing I want in my heart is for her to go out and do this thing she’s so hell-bent on doing, and see that guy she left is the same guy she married and upon seeing that, want to come back to me.  Of course my mind knows this is more than likely a dream, if I could only get those two organs to speak to each other, I wouldn’t be such a split man right now.

She’s a smart, and strong woman.  I know she will get back on her feet quickly, or at least I hope she does.

Almost Real

Today has been almost like what my new life will be.  Alone.

My former parents’ in-law came today and took those pavers they had wanted to so badly.

I stayed up until almost 5am in the hopes that I would sleep until they had all left, unfortunately my bladder couldn’t hold out.

So I got up and relieved myself and hoped to go back to sleep.  I couldn’t.  What I heard was very interesting however.

My soon to be ex-wife finally told her parents just what she’s doing.  They were obviously not happy about it.  Her mom said “You are rushing things, and it’s not good.”  Most of the time, I wouldn’t agree with her mother – but I do on this.  She’s running, and I wished she would just tell me what she running from or to.

Once they left, I hit the road and went to my other ex’s to see my daughter and get away.  We talked and had some good times.  Once my current wife and daughter left, I went back home.  I’ve been watching Netflix and getting used to the beauty of the silence in my home.

It’s dark, and depressing.  It’s my new normal.  Thankfully Netflix does a good job of helping me escape.  I know there’s a big chunk of me that needs to do just that right now, I just worry about being stuck in this world.

 

A House, but No Longer Home

The packing of things has commenced, and it’s made me extremely depressed.  Most of the things that genuinely made this house our home are packed or in the process of being packed away.

It began last night.  I picked up my eldest daughter, and we had a nice family meal and then spent the entire evening packing up her room.  She didn’t want to take much home, I’ll keep her things until I can either restore her room to the way it was or she gets her own place.  The 1 thing I provided that child that made me proud was stability.  I was able to do that for almost 14 years.  She never had a question about anything at her dads.  Now all of that has gone out the window.

Tomorrow my ex-in law’s are driving 180 miles round trip, to retrieve about $10 in concrete pavers they gave us.  I really don’t get it at all.  It’s just 1 item that’s quickly becoming a laundry list of things that I’ll have to replace.

My TV, which lately has become my gateway to escape via Netflix is being taken from me.  I specced it out, and it’s the first flat screen HDTV that I’ve ever been able to call mine.  She’s taking it, god knows that she doesn’t need it where she’s going.  So I bought a new one tonight, a UHD (ultra high-definition) one.  I really shouldn’t have, but it felt so good.

Also tomorrow she’s also taking our daughter to meet her new “family” as I like to call it. (this is the part of this post where I get a bit hasty).  They’re going to go bowling (all 7 of them) and then my daughter is going to learn about where she’ll be living.  That mommy is going to be sleeping, kissing and doing god knows what else with someone who isn’t daddy, and that she’ll be living 30 miles away from everything she’s ever known in life.  I should put her in counseling now, and save the adult version of her from thinking this is normal behavior, running from a marriage into a serious relationship.

What my soon to be ex-wife is doing just blows my mind.  I shouldn’t concern myself with her anymore, and I shouldn’t even ponder these things but I can’t help it.  I vowed my life to her.  I don’t want to see her unhappy, and I don’t want to see her in an environment that isn’t conducive to her happiness.  That is what it seems like she is doing however.

I do have some good news though, the thing that I thought would be impossible actually is possible!  I have a very good chance at saving my home, and on my own.  So I’m taking that opportunity and seeing where it leads me.  I’ve changed insurance companies, as our homeowners policy had doubled in price in just 2 years.  I’m doing a lot of cost cutting, and it feels nice.

The future looks bright, but the present is so dark.  She said that she wanted this divorce so “we could heal the damage we have done to each other”.  Let me repeat, those are the words she spoke.  Her track record with her actions haven’t been matching those words at all.  Time will only tell if they do.  I’m not expecting them to, but it’s the only thing my heart wants.

Slumlord

Yesterday, I became something I never thought I would be, a landlord.  I don’t know how to think of it exactly.  I’m just trying to save my house, but I know I can’t do it on my own.  I’ve been talking to this guy for a while now, he’s in the area for a while on some family business.

Now to find a 2nd tenant, as much as I’d love to just have 1 room mate, I can’t really swing it that way, as my income will soon be dropping by $200 a month.

I have a prospect, but I’m unsure if the reward is worth the risk with this one.  It’s my (now get ready for this) ex step aunt’s son, or could be explained as my half sister’s cousin.  He is supposedly a high functioning person with autism.  His mom called me and said that she wants him to be a little more independent and leave the nest.

I worry that his mom might take that as an invite to be a 2nd tenant, and want me to take over all of his needs.  I have enough on my plate, I’m just renting out space here I have enough projects in life.

I’m working on several angles at the moment.  I have 2 upcoming job interviews that could potentially take some of the pressure off of me.  While I do enjoy the role I’m in currently, I know it’s just a stepping stone for me.  I’m also trying to get my mortgage payment lowered.  I’m also going to see if I can get my escrow account closed and pay for my insurance and taxes directly.  My mortgage payment isn’t really the issue, it’s that escrow account.

The reality of my new life is starting to become actuality.  It scares me.

Today’s Been a Good Day

To give props to Ice Cube, I haven’t had to use my AK because today has been a good day.

I woke myself up this morning via my alarm clock.  Something I haven’t had to really do in many years, as my wife preferred to wake me up.  It was nice to feel her hand touch me to let me know the morning was here, time to get ready for the day.

I’m starting to appreciate the things that I no longer have.  It hurts my soul tremendously.

I came to work, and it’s been a good day so far (still have 4 hours).  I have a couple of errands to run after.  I’m not stressed, I’m not highly emotional.  I’m in a state that’s hard to describe at best.

The best thing I can do at this point is remember the good times, and try to forget the bad ones.  I’m losing the best thing that has ever happened to me.  They say when one door closes another one opens.  For me, this has never been true.  It’s always been a situation where I’m trapped in that room until I can find a way to get out of it.

I’m trying my hardest to not be trapped.  That’s what has made today a good day.

UPDATE:  Of course I was being way too optimistic in my post.  I ended up getting my theoretical AK out, and we had a full on argument.  I think there is much built up inside the both of us, and knowing the fact that neither of us like to argue – we go all out over IM.  The wise part of me knows that no healing will begin until we get those frustrations out, whatever the outcome may be.

Rants

I’m in a mood to just get a lot of things out.  They may not be clear thoughts, they may not be proper thoughts.  They are however my thoughts.  My mind destroys me at times, I’ve been told it’s a common Scorpio trait.

I’ve had 2 serious romantic relationships in my life.  In those relationships, the female was always very quick to take the lead on just about everything.  I just seemed to be there for the ride.  Hindsight is 20/20, but it’s definitely a part of the equation in the breakdown of my marriage and previous relationship.

My love affair with technology is too much for women to handle at times.  Why?  My computer never judges me for not earning enough.  My computer never makes me feel like a bad father because X, Y, or Z are doing things with their children that I do not.  If you want to make me feel judged, I will hide.  My flight instinct is the strong one.

Going back to hindsight, I should have divorced her when I discovered her secret email account containing her relationships with other men.  Of course I couldn’t though, because I loved this woman with everything of my being.  So stupidly I offered an open marriage as a choice.  Not because I wanted to but because I’m horrible with ultimatums.

I’m still paying the price for that decision.  I will be doing so for the rest of my days.

I should have never became paranoid that she was going to leave me, the present is proof of it.  This turned me into a monster of epic proportions.  Key loggers, hidden cameras, constant surveillance.  I used my IT skills for evil for the first time in my life really.  It became a cat and mouse game.  I just wanted to ensure I got the truth.  I still firmly believe I’ve only gotten half-truths since I’ve given up my ways.

That’s the other part of the equation in the break down in our marriage.  It’s hard for either of us to believe a thing the other says.

Today has been somewhat heated between her and I for some reason, and I’m not exactly sure why.  Is it the culmination of all of these things floating around my brain?  Possibly.  Is it the fact that I feel very alone in the world right now?  More than likely.  It’s come to the point where a bad interaction is better than no interaction at all.

I’d rather have a fist fight than make love.  It’s sad, but it’s what has become of me.

 

The 5 Stages

I’ve been thinking about the Kübler-Ross model for stages of grief, it has 5 of them to be exact.  I didn’t really go through that with the loss of my father.  He lived a good life, and I was proud of him as a person.  The biggest problem I had was the loss of his presence.  He gave me comfort.

With the divorce however, I have definitely seen myself slide through those stages.

  • Denial

I was in denial for a long time.  Years to be exact.  She did many things that I was in denial about.  But did I ever think she’d actually file for divorce and be so head strong about it?  It still blows my mind.  There is nothing to deny now however, it’s all a matter of record and it’s pretty obvious that the feelings she once had for me have resided.

Sadly my candle of hope lingers on.  There is a big piece of me that wonders if she’s just checking other yards to see if the grass is greener, or has an urge to dip her toes in the pool of men in the world.  Time will tell us all.

  • Anger

The easiest of emotional states to be in.  I still get triggered from time to time.  Right now, I feel as a failure, not just to two children and to a wife but to myself.  Then to add another person to the mix who can slide right in and do all of those things we did as a family?  That’s below the belt in my book, but he’s just a “friend.”  I’ve threatened to kill people, I’ve pondered committing suicide.  It’s so easy to go there.  It’s blown me away how easy it is to think these thoughts during such a hard time.  My mind is very much like the Billy Joel song “I Go To Extremes.”  For me it’s always been a defense mechanism.  You know if I care about something if I get angry about it because I fight for it.

  • Bargaining

I still do this from time to time.  As I’ve said previously, I’ll always want her back.  I will be married to her in my soul forever.  I still tell her that too, hoping she will say something similar and justify what I have just said.  I never get direct answers however, just enough to make my addictive personality want another fix.  There really has been no real bargaining, just dealings with an emotional terrorist of sorts.

This will stop swiftly I’m sure, as her words have a way of calming me but her actions do the opposite.  There’s no reason to bargain with someone who is actively making these choices.

  • Depression

I currently reside in a state that bounces between this stage and the final stage, acceptance.  I definitely have my fair share of good days, and bad ones.  I had my first shower in 5 days today!  Why be clean when you have no one to be clean for?  Why be a good and productive person when the reasons for doing so no longer exist?  I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad lately, as he was about the same age as I and I was about the same age as Amelia when my own parents divorced, 5 months difference to be exact.  (That factoid REALLY hurts my soul) What would dad have done?  The only things I have to motivate me are my technology, my home and my job and the status of one of those things is questionable.  For a person whose only dream in life was to be married and have a family, it’s like being the king of a kingdom of 1.

Many have told me to seek counseling.  I actually had a few months of counseling in the spring, and stopped when she decided she wanted to “try” again.  I’ve had so many years of counseling in my life that I’m not sure how it would help at this point.  Psychological tools won’t help me.  Removing the pain and torment through any means necessary will.  I think this is a fine time to take up something I’ve had very fine control on most of my life, alcohol.

  • Acceptance

I’ve accepted the fact that my life as I’ve known it is no more.  I’ve been living it for 6 weeks at this point.  I’ve accepted the fact that the person I vowed my life to no longer loves me romantically.  I’ve accepted the fact that my 6 year old daughter will soon share something with her 16 year old half-sister that I never thought would happen, that I never wanted to happen.  A thing that scarred me so badly it caused me to try to get a vasectomy right after my eldest was born (I was refused that by 3 doctors by the way).  Something only their father genuinely understands from their perspective.  All of those previous statements depress me, and that’s why I’m in an if statement with no exit strategy at the moment.

 

Vows

We all have vows we make.  To others, to ourselves and to higher powers.

To me there has only been 1 vow that meant anything in my entire life, my wedding vows.  I said them before an audience of friends and family in a church where 3 generations of my family were married.

It was an event I looked forward to my entire life, and was indeed worthy of what I had imagined.  Yes guys think of their wedding day.  They may not plan it like women do, but they certainly have ideas.

Not to turn this personal blog into a place for political discussion and opinion, but marriage as a social issue has been a big-ticket item lately.  The 1 thing you don’t hear about are those who follow through on the “til death” part, even if they do end up divorced.  My grandmother did that, and I am doing the same.

Just so it’s clear, I’m going to all caps bold proclaim it.  I AM NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN*

You’ll notice the * there.  The reason you ask?  It’s simple, I vowed my life to 1 person.  She may not feel the same anymore, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  But if at any point in time she decides she wants me back into her life, I cannot do anything but welcome her back with open arms.  Why?  Because again, I vowed my life to her.  She holds a spot in my heart and soul right next to my children for the rest of my life.

Just because she doesn’t hold those words she spoke to me as in high of regard as I do, doesn’t give me the right to throw them away as she has done.

Many have said that this will cause any potential love interests to run away.  If so, they aren’t the right person for me.  If I end up alone for the rest of my life, that is how I shall be.  This is how important that vow is to me.

Right now, I feel as if I wasted my vow.  Hope is a dangerous thing however, and there is a candle of hope deep within that is burning for the memory of those vows we said to each other on August 14th, 2004.  I only hope that she feels the same.