Deep Thoughts – Page 6 – lee-lawmaster.com

A Brush with Sars-Cov-2

With the pandemic in full force, I cancelled Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities with my aunt and uncle. My uncle said it was the first time in 60 years that he hadn’t came home. They are in their 70’s and I didn’t want to risk their health.

It’s commonly known that this and other coronaviruses can silently spread, as some people can be infected and contagious without even knowing. I have been careful, so has my girlfriend. But my daughter’s back and forth lifestyle finally caught up to us, and her.

I had her for almost a week around Christmas, but not including the day itself. It was that day that she spent with her mother, per our divorce decree.

The day after I returned my daughter to her mom, my ex wife texted me to inform me that her husband had been admitted to the hospital with double pneumonia caused by covid.

I was floored. She went onto say that he had been sick since the 18th of December. I was enraged. I demanded our daughter get a test, as she had obviously been exposed. Her mother refused. I offered to do all of the legwork and get her tested myself, she still kept up her stonewall tactics. Instead of continuing to argue with her, I called my attorney. By the time he called me back, she gave in and scheduled her to get a test.

The results came back, positive.

My daughter hadn’t shown any signs or symptoms of infection, sans a runny nose here and there or a sore throat. After the results came back however, she apparently got sick.

Then we started showing signs and symptoms ourselves. I felt very flu-like, but had no fever. My girlfriend however got what seemed to be a full onslaught of Covid symptoms. It seemed like she could barely breathe, and would get light headed after walking ten feet. We all immediately ordered tests, with all results being negative.

Then, in the middle of the day while sleeping, I heard a scream. It was her daughter. She had fallen down half a flight of stairs in my home. I instantly called 911, with VBFD paramedics responding within a minute. I wasn’t sure if the fall had broken anything or made any of her ongoing spinal issues worse. She spent the day in the ER, where they performed a series of tests. She turned out to be okay physically, but still well in the throngs of symptoms. I was concerned.

It’s been a couple of weeks since those events happened, and while she is still healing, she is significantly better now. I still worry about her though. I still haven’t seen my daughter since the weekend after Christmas. My ex wife started texting me again, and I told her that I want her to get another test before I see her again. She didn’t give much resistance, but still refuses to test her household. I don’t understand.

I miss my daughter, but I will never miss the onslaught of ways in which we have felt due to this exposure.

The Doorway to the Soul

Last weekend my youngest daughter had a follow-up appointment with the IU School of Optometry about her eyes. They were concerned about her retinas, but hadn’t elaborated as to why. We found out that they were abnormally thin but not giving the usual symptoms. Stating the symptoms are that of someone with “egg shaped” eyes, which she doesn’t have.

Her vision is okay, but she has a prescription for reading and close visual activities at school primarily.

During the exam, they dilated her eyes and then took images of them. While I was not able to get direct copies, I was able to take photos of the photos. Years ago, I was able to take similar photos of my own eyes.

After our visit, they stated that they wanted to have a faculty conference to decide the next steps on the future of her eye health. That in itself frightened me as a parent. She’s only eleven years old, many eye issues cannot be cured sadly. I do not want her to have the weight of such a medical issue so early in life.

However, as someone who works for the IU School of Medicine I felt this issue had past the field of Optometry and entered the world of Ophthalmology. So I reached out to my contacts, receiving a response within an hour. That contact connected me to a Ophthalmologist, who connected me with a pediatric ophthalmologist. I sent the photos above to them.

Their rough diagnosis? Lattice Degeneration of the Retina. I of course started googling my heart out. It apparently happens to between 8 and 10 percent of the population, and can lead to retinal detachment but doesn’t necessarily mean it will happen. They asked I get a referral so records can be officially transferred. As soon as Optometry called me back, I did.

I worry about the future of my little girls eyes, but I feel safe knowing her dad can get the strength of an entire school of medicine behind her. We will have upcoming appointments in Indianapolis.

Blowin’ Out the Cobwebs, and the Engine

November 8th I participated in a car rally with my girlfriend’s son. The first time I’ve ever done such a thing. It was called “The Hunt” and there were 110 cars in total, including a Lamborghini Diablo, a Ferrari FF and an Acura NSX.

This rally was a trip from Indianapolis to Cincinnati and back, with detours off the interstate to keep things interesting. I went with 4 other cars from the Bloomington Auto Club, where we met up at 6am.

After a swift drive up to the place where we were staging, the cars started to roll in. We had made it around 8am, and were not set to head out until 10. So we hung out, checked out other cars and after checking in we all had a catered breakfast.

Photo of Lamborghini Diablo, courtesy of Chris Cunningham.

I felt a little embarrassed while we waited. Here I was in a incomplete 32 year old survivor car. Surrounded by vehicles worth more than my own home. I was with car people though, and several came to tell me how happy they were to see a 3rd gen Camaro. One guy even took photos of almost every angle imaginable. My car is of the elder generation now, and the respect it is shown makes me very proud.

The rally was started with a fury like no other. Speed limits didn’t exist. Before I realized it we were out of Marion county. We took an exit off I-74 onto a country road that met back up with I-74. I hit a bump on one corner, which put me in a slide that I was able to control. Tyler was loving every minute of the action.

Meanwhile on the app we were using for the rally, messages of “COPS ARE EVERYWHERE” were being blasted. Apparently our shenanigans had caused the phone lines at many police departments to light up.

Pit stop # 1, photos by Chris Cunningham, merged by me.

As pictured, our first official pit stop was something else. We completely filled up the parking lot in this gas station, with additional cars parked on the side of the highway. If you look closely, you will see my car.

That pit stop lasted about 30 minutes or so. When my fellow BAC members finally decided to take off, I went with them and within 15 minutes it all fell apart.

We were cruising on the interstate at nominal speeds, nothing insane, when I seemed to have lost all power. The engine was still running but driving at speed was impossible. I did not want to stop on the side of the interstate, and so I hobbled along 12 miles to Greensburg, IN. During that 12 miles, the temperature gauge began to spike, the car died once. When I made it to the exit – there was no gas station in sight. So I had to make some evasive and illegal maneuvers to keep the momentum going to make it to a gas station about a mile away.

I got the car parked in a way where it could be towed if needed. I then popped the hood and it began to overheat. So I turned the fans on (a little trick is to turn the AC on with the car off) to do what I could to help it cool. After about 30 minutes, I started the engine. Almost immediately, it sounded like a pop can rattling inside one (or two) of the cylinders. Cylinders 1 or 3 to be exact.

That’s when I knew the course of action. We were done, and the car was not going to move under it’s own power. This was to be the last time I took the car out for the year, and what a way to go out.

This was meant as a pressure test on the car for an eventual trip to see my family in Oklahoma. My father bought this car in 1988, and none of them have ever seen it in the flesh. I would have had a massive emotional breakdown if it wasn’t for Tyler, my girlfriend’s son. His positive attitude kept me positive through the whole ordeal. The tow bill? $575.

After I contacted my fellow guys in the BAC, I was a little shocked as to what happened not too long after my break down. There was a road block! One of my guys pulled a U turn and got a ticket. There was also apparently LEO’s in the Cincinnati area trying to catch Rally goers. My red Camaro would have been easy to spot from a mile away.

At this point, the probable diagnosis is a broken valve. It could be much worse however. A piston or rod could have had a problem. The head could be warped. The absolute worst case is that the block is damaged beyond repair.

I have ordered a scope to get a look inside the engine and am still waiting on it’s arrival. Once I get that initial diagnosis in, I’ll get a better idea of what direction I have to take. I have no issue rebuilding the top end of the engine with better flowing heads, valves, and to port the intake or find one of those “big mouth” bases for a TPI.

As I told the BAC, I’m down – but not out.

Random Mumblings

I feel like I need to write. This week has been a mix of incredible and overwhelming anxiety.

This week was my first week of 4 day workweeks, something I asked for to help with these trying times. I was given approval by my manager and center director to do so. I don’t know how long I will be doing this, but for the time being I need it.

I have been putting off some much needed maintenance on my Jeep. I need to change the spark plugs badly. It seems like every time I psych myself up to do it I chicken out however. I don’t get it. I did get around to changing the differential fluid on both rear ends today. I don’t know if it was a fluke or what but the front would only take 1 quart. The rear 1 1/2 quarts. They should take much more.

I love the fill and drain plugs of the Dana axles.

One day while at work I received a call from my mortgage company. I’m thankful they were able to help me keep my home at a time when all the odds were against me. They have called me many times with offers that were of no benefit to me, just another sale for them. This time it was different.

With the economy in dire straits, and my credit card debts only increasing, this changes the ballgame for me. It rolls all of my credit card debt into a refinance, lowers my interest rate by 1.26% AND my payments with escrow stay essentially the same. This is a financial grand slam as far as I’m concerned.

This will relieve me of over $500 in credit card payments a month alone. It’s not that I couldn’t pay them, but the removal of those stressors is a welcome sign. The only downside to this is resetting the 30 year countdown on paying the debt off, and increasing that particular principal owed.

The elimination of the other higher interest debts really balances it out however, at least to me. With my paycheck not getting any larger anytime soon I need to make some strategic financial moves to ensure I stay in the green and actually build a savings holdings.

Neighborly Love

Last year my neighbor bought a fishing boat. It’s nice and similar to what I would choose to buy if I had those funds. He’s in his late 70’s and most of the time takes his wife out for cruises on the lake in it. She often takes selfies of them and it’s adorable.

After talking with him the other day, he seemed a little sad that people of his age are dying off, he’s losing friends. He wanted to go fishing, something his wife doesn’t exactly like. I told him to let me know – and I’d be happy to go with him. He asked, and today we went for an early morning fishing session at Lake Monroe. As soon as he asked, I sent an email to my boss stating that I would be taking the day off, and while I monitored goings on I was able to be care free.

The weather has been cooling off in the last few days, which has made it nice for me. I wish I would have gotten a picture but the lake was covered in fog when we got there, it was absolutely beautiful.

I haven’t even been on a boat since I was young, let alone went fishing on one. With my trusty Zebco Bullet .22 fishing pole that I’ve had since I was about 13 we got to work and eventually found a cove where the fish were biting, and hard. Every time I tried to set the hook however, nothing. Then surprisingly, my hook was gone! That dang fish took my hook!

We then trolled up the shoreline (he had never used his trolling motor) for a while. I kept casting, but wasn’t getting any bites. Then we both decided we needed a bite of our own, and decided to pack up and grab some grub. Deciding to go to Cloverleaf and we both decided on a full order of biscuits and gravy.

When I first moved into my home in 2006, he came off as the kind of person you try to avoid. Over that time, he’s seen the highs and lows that have come with my life which I believe has led to a softness he doesn’t show everyone. Thank you Bill. Today probably meant as much to you as it did to me.

Life Has Become Expensive

There’s a commonality between many American’s these days. We are all just one emergency away from disaster. Many are living paycheck to paycheck, or the newly minted direct deposit to direct deposit.

This year, the drainage work I had to have done was enough to break my budget. When this pandemic struck, my salary was also cut by $1750 a year, with overtime eliminated.

Most recently, my daily driver has required much. The brake replacement costing $700, I still need to perform the 100k mile tuneup. While I have already acquired the parts needed, being spark plugs and intake plenum gaskets, I have extreme trepidation about performing the task. The fear of the unknown has always been one of my largest fears.

As if life wasn’t giving me enough to deal with, something happened with my washing machine. I’m not an expert in electronics or in major home appliances but all of the things shown tell me it wasn’t good.

I first discovered a trail of water in my basement in an L shape from my basement garage door to my washing machine. From there the possibilities were endless, that was until I opened the washing machine up. It was completely full of water. It was overflowing, causing this leak into my basement.

I borrowed a pump off of a friend who had lent me a pump when my basement was flooding. Thankfully it fit into the old washing machine, which was just a $75 Craigslist special. When I bought it, I promised myself that I would not be doing this song and dance again. I wanted to purchase something new and something that was Energy Star certified.

But first, I had to correct the issues. The water valves were leaking and would not shut off fully.

I did not want to replace these valves with the same thing. I wanted ball style valves without a flange for wall mounting. Thankfully when whoever set this up originally, they attached these with a threaded fitting, making replacement somewhat easy. Finding the valves I wanted ended up being a task however. The major big box stores did not have any. Menard’s said it was special order, Lowe’s stated they had 6 in stock online, so I place an order before I went to bed. By the time I woke up, that order had been cancelled. This is the second time this has happened to me when ordering something online from them.

I had a meeting the next day and as luck would have it that meeting took me into the direction of a small True Value hardware store in a town where I used to live. They had the valves I needed, but they were double the price.

So with the old washing machine cleared of water and moved out of the way, I got to work removing the valves. I had to put a fair amount of thread tape on to seal the valves, redoing one of them twice. But they function much better than the ones that were existing.

The correct term for these are “Hose Bibs”

I then needed to do the thing I was dreading the most. I had to get rid of the old washing machine, and the old dryer I had replaced but never taken off. I also had 6 brake rotors sitting around from all of the brake work I’ve done in the past year.

I have my dad’s truck, but it’s currently not operational or road worthy. Most in the area charge to haul things off, no matter what the size. This has always stricken me as odd, as they receive money for scrap on these items. So I reached out, and a friend very openly let me borrow his truck. In kind, I left my Jeep with him. I’m not a fan of taking things from others and leaving them without.

My body is in horrible physical condition, and as I’ve learned it’s becoming weak. It made me happy to be able to accomplish this task.

When finished, I filled up the gas tank of my friends truck in appreciation. He uses it a lot for his work and drives a lot. I would much rather help someone I know than rent a piece of equipment and give money to a corporation.

Then it arrived, the new washer I bought. At first I was a little overwhelmed. I’m not used to having such nice things to handle such tasks.

I had the delivery men take it out of the box and leave it in my garage.

It was a bit hard to get it into my utility room. The feet on this unit don’t allow it to slide like most washing machines that I’m used to. So I had to carry it. With new everything, the entire installation went very smooth.

The contrast is now obvious and clear however. This new machine has more than double the capacity of my old one. It automatically senses the load size and can be started with an app.

Thankfully I was able to get this on an 18 month no interest offer. I hope to pay this off quickly, then purchase the matching dryer. That will require some more upgrades, as my dryer outlet is a 3 prong, and new dryers require a 4 prong.

As it’s been for a while, I’m just living for the future, when some of my debts are paid, and the difference between living and surviving becomes clearer.

Twenty One

Last week something pretty awesome happened, my oldest child turned twenty one.

Her mother and I were young when she was born. I blame it on kids who weren’t using their minds. Regardless, we’ve loved her from the beginning. I had more difficulty along this journey. I always felt like she was mature as I was.

Her mother and I split up early in her life, I was going through some of the heaviest things I had dealt with up to that point, causing me to be just another child for her to deal with. We sometimes bicker, we sometimes fight, but it’s always been about her interest.

Over the years, she did what a kid does, she grew. The time was passing by and I didn’t even know it. Had I known, I would have taken those opportunities to do so much. I was in a semi-permanent state of exhaustion just trying to keep the lights on.

She often talks about how one of her happy memories of childhood is when I would play barbies with her. She would put Barbie into a situation where she needed rescued, and I would turn Ken into Superman. He would fly up and rescue the damsel in distress.

As the child became the teenager, that closeness disappeared. In many ways, it’s the circle of life. I was just starting to get a grasp on how to be a father. She went off and did her teenage things, and I took those lessons she gave me to provide the things I should have for her, to her sister.

The day she was born, I had my mom buy a bottle of Jack Daniels (I was too young). To be held onto until her 21st birthday, when her mom, I and her would celebrate this accomplishment. I feel that modern society doesn’t give our children any real rites of passage through their journey to adulthood.

Some get graduation or commencement ceremonies for each level of school (I didn’t). Some get parties for these things, I didn’t. I wanted to ensure my children knew and had the depth of thought about their father holding onto something for 21 years, just to share it with them.

I was happy to share my home for people from all over to come celebrate her graduating high school. It filled my heart for this experience however.

The next day, I took her out to dinner in her papaw’s Camaro. I had driven her around the neighborhood, but she had never properly rode in it before in her life. I think that ride showed her why it’s special to me, and why I want it to stay in the family.

Here’s to adulthood, and all the responsibilities contained in it. Life is a complete mess for all of us right now, but we will always have each other. I love you kiddo, and always will. Through the ups and downs life throws us, we need people we can depend upon and I’ve always tried to be just that for you. Ol’ dad will always have your back, without question.

My goal in life is to see you succeed where your dad never could. I’ll do just about anything to help you do that, but like my father before me I won’t dictate your vision for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

A Light Shined Upon Me

Today was a good day. Today I met a man I’ve known strictly through Facebook for what feels like an eternity, but we had never met in real life until today.

He and I share the same debilitating skin disorder, learning of each other in a support group and quickly becoming friends due to our fairly close vicinity to each other.

He knew I was feeling overwhelmed by all of these chores I needed to complete, but couldn’t simply due to the heat and offered to help me clean up the trees I cut down. I completed the task by cutting the pieces into smaller manageable pieces, while he used my mower and cart to haul the wood to the back of my lot.

I became overheated and had to take breaks. I appreciated the company and the brotherhood he provided. Immensely.

I hope more people like him continue to shine a light on this world.

I Can’t Keep Up

Ever since the beginning of this pandemic, work has been full of changes on a level I’ve never seen before. It’s been almost impossible to keep up with the continual questions from those who depend on me, I’m learning as they are.

Personally, it’s been much of the same. Nothing I want to disclose at this point, but with my dad’s birthday coming up my normal strengths have become weaknesses.

I had to do something about it, and I couldn’t fight the need to flight – so I packed my stuff and went home. I spent the weekend in an odd state of consciousness, not living just existing. I hoped to get a lot of things done, and a friend offered his assistance – but the weather had other plans. I told him to not make the trek, I didn’t want him out in the rain like that.

I decided to start therapy again, it’s a helpful tool that I’ve used throughout my entire life. Perhaps there is something there I’m not exactly seeing that is causing all of this to just be too much.

I wasn’t even excited about picking up my youngest daughter on Sunday, something that typically changes my mood 180 degrees every time.

I know the subject of my father with my therapist made me weep uncontrollably. So it’s quite possible that’s the ticket, grief.

I took off work today, and took the trash and recycling off. I also sent the master cylinder I bought for the Jeep back. I then changed the oil, did laundry and put it away, then put my dishes away. The dishes have been done for a week, just sitting in the dishwasher waiting to be put away.

I accomplished some things today. That’s always something to be proud of right?

Vauhxx

In the past week the world has been reminded of my hometown, Bloomington Indiana. Sadly, for the same reasons it has many times in the past. A racial attack on another human took place.

It’s a little personal this time however, as the person who was attacked is someone I know of. Someone I have interacted with, and someone I equivocally believe and stand by.

At this point, the videos have went viral, the stories have been told. I am not going to regurgitate what has already been said. I’m going to explain to you how someone I first thought of as a troublemaker, an instigator, is someone I always believed.

Vauhxx Booker came to prominence (to me) as a member of Black Lives Matter. At the time, they were primarily making noise by interrupting city and county council meetings, and essentially ending a “state of the city” address. This was how I saw this man for a very long time.

I didn’t understand, nor appreciate the actions of the group at the time. I felt this was not a “proper” or “just” way to cause any meaningful change. That was of course because I hadn’t really opened my mind to the struggle the African American community has faced for hundreds of years.

After these events, Vauhxx ran for a position on the City Council. I couldn’t vote for him, but that was a move I appreciated – and wanted to see him win. The city council is full of people with ties to the university and lacking people of color.

This is when I came to know Vauhxx, as he was brought on board of a Facebook group I co-moderate. He was a loud voice for positions and issues most of us would have never thought about. He was unapologetic and brash in calling out people on their inherent biases and racial points of view. He added friction in a space that previously did not, but we all respected his voice and did not deny his right to speak his mind.

Over a few months, it was decided that the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few, and he was removed as a moderator. Our collective still respected the man however, the split was not made out of anger or haste.

At some point, he also joined one of the many commissions in the county, sitting on the Human Rights Commission. That actually inspired me, as I have reached out multiple times about joining local commissions and boards, to be more actively involved in my own community.

Vauhxx may be a well known person in my community, but he isn’t well liked by all. As witness to my previous words, I wasn’t exactly his biggest fan. He has a slight criminal record, as do I. None of us are perfect, and I don’t expect him to be either. As far as I’m concerned, all of the slanderous things being said of him at this point are just that, slander, victim blaming or apologist on behalf of white supremacy.

When I saw his facebook post that went viral, I did not doubt any facts. Nor did I doubt any of his narrative. I am sure he wrote it as soon as he could to provide a narrative in the moment. As soon as friends created a gofundme for him, I gave $500 as well as offering to cover any and all costs he might need help with for mental health services.

While I’ve never personally witnessed such behavior, I do not deny them happening. I never have. Our community has came out to support him in ways that have made me proud to be a Bloomingtonian. At the same point, there are many on the periphery of my life who have made statements that make me question their place in my life.

My mind processes things slowly. This however, I do not question. There have been too many lives lost for reasons that are without cause. There are too many lives that have been ruined by the judicial system that has imposed undue fines and even heavier prison sentences. I am proud to see society, during the middle of a pandemic, fight for this. While my physical restrictions make it unable for me to protest in the heat – I am there in spirit with you, by your side.