Eight years ago, I was on an adventure with a friend who ended up lighting the fire of passion within my soul.
It all started because my baby cousins were getting married in Oklahoma, and I hadn’t made the drive in a while solo. My ex wife, concerned with my history of having seizures asked me to see if someone would go with me. I sure found someone. I asked her simply because she was a friend who had the opportunity, but before we left we had become a couple.
It was a true adventure. One that I’ve been trying to have again ever since. I got pulled over twice within 30 minutes between Kansas and Nebraska. We saw the “Sand Hills”, Carhenge, went to Rushmore and camped with many who were protesting the installation of a pipeline at Standing Rock, at the Sacred Stone camp. Stopping at the Mall of America just for a potty break in a rush home because I was out of time off work.
We woke up and the temperature had dropped 30 degrees, her nose was “frozed” so we found some hoodies at a Dollar General to stay warm.
I’ll forever miss her and our times together. She opened my mind and my eyes to things I will always adore, enjoy and appreciate. There was a fatal flaw in our relationship however, even though she loved me in all the ways I dreamed of ever being loved, I didn’t know how to give that back to her. In the end, it’s why she left.
It’s unlikely our souls will ever intertwine again, and that’s the saddest truth here.
There’s a reason why I haven’t written in a long time. I need to get back to it. It may help me in the way I need right now in my life.
ACT I
Suddenly and without warning to my brain and heart at the time, my fiancee and partner of almost 8 years left me at the beginning of April. Throwing me into a free fall of emotional and financial turmoil. Her chief complaints? That I never respected her, or her feelings. We hung out as friends for a bit, but it only hurt me more. I would cry like a baby every time we parted ways. It just made me hope she would reconsider. I wish that was the end of the hurt, but it wasn’t. It was the way in which she decided to completely change that did me in. It made me feel as if all of our time together was nothing but a play, where she played a role and never gave me her legitimate self or heart.
I said and did many things to irrevocably destroy any sense of repairing a friendship with her. I struggle with that at times, but she’s done the same to people she’s known even longer than me during this time as well. If anything, it’s brought me closer with people I never thought I would be close to.
Over the months I’ve had time to really think about it though, and it’s clear things would have ended sooner or later. She like my ex-wife, needs “acts of service” to be shown love. In her case a caregiver in many ways. Not a partner. Something I just could not provide her. Her health is a mess, everything was a complication. Our living styles didn’t align either.
I loved her, and gave to her like I hadn’t ever before. Everyone else in my life says she used me, and I believe them now. I gave everything I could, but in the end there would never be enough because it’s not what she wanted.
ACT II
The phrase “It’s best to get over someone by getting under someone new” is quite apt for me. Why? Because in my life, it’s what has worked. I tend to go with what works instead of trying new and/or different solutions to problems.
I had been speaking with someone, we will call her L1 that I had apparently made a connection with in the past. She didn’t want me to know her identity as she was afraid of being “outed” for her preferences. She started it all by recognizing what I was going through and offering her ear. It then quickly transitioned into us becoming play partners for a time, while she wore a mask to keep her identity a secret.
She gave me the most memorable, amazing and fulfilling experience I’ve had with BDSM before. She made it easy to give her the things she wanted, and she made that experience satisfying and fulfilling. Something my ex just couldn’t do.
But I wanted more than she was willing to provide, so I began trying to date. Eventually I met a wonderful lady that we will call L2. Our first date lasted 8 hours! There was excitement, there was chemistry and there was possibility.
There was a problem though. L1 caught wind of L2 and got very jealous of the attention she was getting from me, and wanted it for herself. During my 2nd date with L2, L1 texted and called me incessantly. All but begging me not to continue seeing her, go all the way with her, etc.
I was stuck. I’ve never been a ladies man. I’ve never had a choice when it came to the opposite sex. So I did something I never thought I’d do. I left L2 in a hotel room and drove halfway across my state to be with L1. We laid in her bed until she had to go to work and tried to talk through these things.
We ended up going on a couple of dates, and things were looking up. That was until my phone broke while on a trip visiting my sister. L1 instantly thought I was with L2 because I wasn’t answering her texts.
Because of this, I essentially begged L2 to take me back. Which she did for a while until she ghosted me without warning, then blocked me from all social media. I’ll never understand, and I’ve quit trying to. It’ll only confuse me more.
I’ve felt like up is down and left is right this summer. I’ve found things I enjoy, things I dislike, and things my heart truly misses.
ACT III
For almost a year and a half, my best friend and his son have been living in my home. They had been evicted from the apartment they shared with his brother and wife and were going to be homeless. There are few people in the world I would do anything for, but they are on that list.
It hasn’t been sunshine and roses. Most of the time they didn’t help me out financially or in any other ways. My best friend, a really bad alcoholic with diabetes would drink pretty much any of the alcohol I would buy for myself before I had a chance to even drink it. It was frustrating beyond measure.
But at least they had a home, a place to rest, a place to shower, a place where they could be comfortable.
July 23rd was a normal and unusual day it seemed. I went to work, came home and thought they were both gone. The son working at Walmart, the best friend driving around doing Lyft. But I was wrong. As I sat in my living room watching TV, my best friend was deceased in my basement. It wasn’t until his son came home and I heard “dad, dad, dad, DAD, DAAAAAADDDDDD” that I knew what was up.
He slowly crept upstairs and asked me to call 911, in a broken voice. And so I did. The operator asked me to check on him, to see if CPR or other life saving measures could be done, but he was icy to the touch. He was gone. This began the parade of Sheriff’s, Firefighter’s, EMTs, and finally the Coroner.
I did what had to be done, as he had nothing that would help with his final expenses. I contacted my Township Trustee (who I know very well) to handle getting him cremated. I then started a GoFundMe, so he could have a place with his mom, grandma and grandpa. Thankfully the generosity was enough to cover all of the actual expenses and get my best friend a marker that he would even be proud of, with his beloved WWE logo on it.
This is a draft the place just sent me the other day. The boys decided on some minor changes. It’s the least I could do for the person I knew literally all of my life.
Then, 2 days after the death of my best friend my stepbrother also passed away. Our parents married when I was 6. I looked up to him from day 1. While we were never close, he was always an influence. He was the person that let me know my dad had died. Dad and him always had a contemptuous relationship, and it bothered Shan that he didn’t try to see the good in my dad.
He was one of the first people I called about Mike passing, as they were good friends. We had talked about going to a concert together. He and I saw the Rolling Stones in Chicago in June, just different shows. It turns out that’ll be the closest thing I’ll get to going to a show with my stepbrother.
Epilogue
With so much loss, for the first time in my life I’m seriously considering packing it all up and going elsewhere. The only question at this time is where that place will be. I need to stay somewhat close since Amelia is still in school, but the opportunities are open for many places. I need new experiences with new places, and new walls that don’t haunt me.
Last week was Amelia’s spring break. I decided to take her on a trip I took her mother on many years ago. To the great white north! And white it was, the ground was covered with snow when we got there and the temps were in the 30’s.
We stayed 2 days on the New York Side, 2 days on the Canadian side, and then made our way to Dearborn Michigan, where we went to The Henry Ford Museum and Rouge Factory Tour. Something my uncle was going to go with us to, but unfortunately passed away before we were able to. He was with us in spirit.
It was the most boring FLW home I’ve toured, minus one detail. A sculpture in the conservatory. Which I purchased a smaller version of. Her mom and I went to many FLW homes, including Fallingwater and were foundation members for a few years.
The view from our hotel room in Canada was glorious. Making it not needed to do many things along the gorge that most do.
We did go to the Journey Behind the Falls experience, something her mom and I also did.
While there, I had to pickup some Cuban cigars. Something that was strictly not allowed during my first visit. I must say, they are the best tasting cigars I’ve ever had in my life. Well worth the price.
I’m quickly running out of these “take her on trips I took her mom on” trips. There’s only 1 left, and that is Fallingwater & the Flight 93 memorial. I hope Amelia is able to look back on these experiences with just me and appreciate them as she becomes an adult.
October 23rd, 2022 was a grand day for Star Trek, Bloomington & The Janeway Collective. On that day, Kate Mulgrew kept the promise she made on October 24th, 2020 when The Janeway Statue was unveiled.
Kate Mulgrew’s Beautiful Smile
On that cold, socially distanced day in 2020 she made a promise that she would come visit, and that it would be a great day. She was right.
The stars aligned and we were able to have an event with Kate. So many questions had to be answered, so many problems solved to make it happen however. Unfortunately, with my back problems and job change I hadn’t been able to give what I gave to the unveiling.
Event space near the statue was expensive, prohibitively. But the old Woolery Mill, that has been revamped by One World Enterprises wasn’t. It was out of town compared to the statue and other options, but it was overly welcoming. It was there where we held an event titled “A Conversation with Kate” which was a sell out, with close to 500 in attendance. The maximum occupancy was 520.
Kate had a long day that day, driving all the way from Iowa where she is from. Arriving at the statue I’m sure she was a combination of tired and excited at the same time, as we had roughly the same audience size in attendance as we did for the unveiling. There was also plenty of media there, from Indiana Public Media, to The Bloomingtonian, our own crew that was recording and streaming the goings on via Facebook, and a few others that I didn’t know or recognize.
While at the statue, Kate gave a speech and then took some photos. Due to the size of the crowd, and an angry older lady with a walker – the situation quickly became one of fear of the security of our esteemed guest. So I, our security team and other members of the collective quickly formed a bubble and whisked Ms. Mulgrew away.
Kate and I – Photo by Jeremy Hogan
We then proceeded to the event space, where I had helped do some setup. The event began with The Nerdy Flutist, who had also played at the statue before Kate arrived. She and her friends had made some videos on Tik Tok. It was then that I knew we had to invite her for such an event. I’m very happy the collective continued my motivations.
When she was done with her set, Kate made her way to the stage. I’ll never forget Kelly’s words on the experience for her. As Kate bowed to her, it made her feel appreciated, it made her feel seen and loved. And loved she is, for just being herself.
The Captain Applauds The Flutist
After the event, we had a private dinner with Kate at The Irish Lion. I was told only the board would be present, but we had some other guests including said flutist, who sat next to me. She felt like she was in a dream that she didn’t want to wake from, and I was so happy for her. I told Kate about how the place we were having dinner was featured on the TV show Cheers, which she was on several times. It was a great day, and a great evening.
In many ways, it was the dream realized for the rag tag group of people that got together in 2019 wanting to build a statue for “our” captain.
That’s what my body is now waving. I’ve been going through what I can only call a period of hell. One where my body screams at me constantly. With my only real escape being sleep (when I’m able to get it).
My prescribed pain medications are no longer working. Chiropractor visits are effective for a few hours. This large inversion table in my home merely takes up additional space, providing no relief.
Due to that, I have finally given in to undergoing a surgical procedure on my spine. I’ve done everything non surgical twice just to be sure. It will be a great “Christmas” present to me, as I am having it on December 23rd.
If you read my blog, keep me in your thoughts. I’m tired of surviving, and want to get back to living again.
Almost two weeks ago I received a call from my uncle in Michigan. It was bad news. My aunt Marty was in the hospital and it didn’t look like she would recover.
Marty flippin’ my dad the bird, circa late 80’s.
I told him that I would be there the next day. After clearing things with my new job, I hit the road. A journey I hadn’t made in eight years. Shortly behind me was my girlfriend. She stayed behind as we were not sure if Amelia wanted to come.
My favorite sign from their house.
My aunt and uncle moved to Michigan in 1995 from Greenfield, where they had the largest house I had ever stayed in. Their employer had been bought out and they were offered jobs in Detroit, or they could find new jobs and stay. They decided to go.
My dad’s trusty Blazer with my uncle showing off his new house.
She worked in the branches eventually becoming an Associate Vice President of the bank before her retirement. Always firey, always full of attitude. I know why my uncle fell in love with her.
She has a son, who was on Jeopardy at one point. In all these years, I’ve yet to meet him however.
I arrived; and my uncle and I immediately went to the hospital. It was bad. I was suddenly confronted with the reason why I missed out on several family members passing. After going through what happened with my grandfather, I could no longer go to such situations. I had to, my uncle suddenly had no other family. He needed someone to be there for him; and I was going to make sure he wasn’t alone.
Sadly, my aunt didn’t make it. Her condition only eroded until she passed away on 9/11/2022 at 5:30pm.
Her attitude, her voice and her humor formed the basis of why I love women the way I do. Her ferocity towards all things are why I love women who refuse to apologize for being their honest selves. I had no other symbols of female power as close to me as she was in my family.
I will forever miss you Marty. You made this little boy love women just like you.
For many of my generation, that word will forever be tied to a scene from the sitcom Friends.
I am speaking about a different kind of pivot here though. I recently pivoted my career.
Since 2008, I have worked at Indiana University in one way, shape, form as a IT support provider. For the last seven and a half years I have been the Senior Technology Support Technician for the IU School of Medicine-Bloomington.
I will forever be appreciative of that role, not just for what it provided but what it gave in return. The connections to people I can only call heroes, and the ability to afford to live in this world on my own; something many today cannot do.
Over time however, the role and the place became less friendly to a person such as myself. I was given more and more responsibility, yet when asked about an increase in my salary I was given an angry meeting with my director stating “I would never receive another pay raise.”
While the bad times had calmed down, other events happening around me told me that the environment I was in was much like the dinosaurs. The person I literally looked up to, the person I eventually was able to become professionally quit. He professed publicly on social media that he had been bullied and couldn’t stand it anymore. He then moved to New Orleans.
I was also in a position where any increases in salary were questionable at best. A change in my title would be required. So I was stuck. Do I sit and take what is given? Or do I find a new challenge that will let me expand my skills and potentially my paycheck? Employment has always been a hard subject for me, especially attaining it.
I was in luck however, as a friend told me about a job that was opening up. I reached out to the person that held the position, who gave me a great deal of information of the duties involved. I applied, and interviewed. It took a while, but I was the choice of those in the hiring committee.
It’s a large change for me, as the position is a salaried role versus the hourly lifestyle I have lived all my life. I will be receiving my first full paycheck from the position at the end of this week.
The official title is Business and Database Systems Analyst for The University Graduate School. There is no roadmap or solid tasks for the position. Each day is a learning opportunity. Many have told me that it takes about 8 months before they really know what they are doing.
In the meantime, I am also offering limited support to my old job which has thrown the vast majority of my workload onto the Nursing IT Pro, which I tried my best to keep from happening.
I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the place and the people that provided me a family when I felt as if I had none. The place that provided me opportunity at the exact time when I could have become homeless.
Now it is on to new goals, new challenges in my professional world.
While Amelia and I were spending a week away, I noticed a large disparity in the gas mileage my vehicle was achieving.
The vehicle in question, a 2012 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited Rubicon
Normally, I get between 15-16mpg in this tank. It doesn’t matter how I drive, or the kind of road I’m on, those are the numbers. The only time that has ever changed has actually been for the negative. If I push it on the interstate and go over 75mph, my mileage will plummet to as low as 13mpg.
Normal mileage readings from my app.
But the opposite happened. My gas mileage increased to 19mpg. Most of my driving was highway/interstate driving. It has me puzzled.
Courtesy the app I use to track my automotive expenses.
The only thing I can think of would be the difference in terrain. The area around Indianapolis doesn’t have many hills.
Who started out so young and strong only to surrender.
I grew up thinking I was born in the wrong time. The music, the things, the surroundings I had were not always of the age I was in. Music of the 60’s and 70’s filled my life instead of the music of the 80’s and 90’s that I was living in. To this day I’m typically twenty years behind musical changes.
My father always told me he that “saw” me in several songs from his youth. Jackson Browne’s “The Pretender” being one of them. He never explained it any further, and so I will be spending the rest of my life trying to solve the riddle he left me with.
Fate gave me a gift however, as two days prior to him coming to the area I discovered, and immediately purchased some decent seats to his show. Had dad still been with us, I would have taken him. I ended up asking 3 people, eventually going with an old work friend. I may have upended her plans for the evening, but who really wants to go to the gym over a concert?
We hadn’t seen each other in the flesh for around five years. So it was good just to be in the same space with each other again.
Back to the subject at hand, there are two lyrics that I think I’ve nailed down that my father saw in me:
“Caught between the longing for love And the struggle for the legal tender” “I’m gonna be a happy idiot And struggle for the legal tender”
I have to say, my father wasn’t necessarily wrong with his findings of his less than 10 year old son. One of my largest struggles has been the balance between love and struggling for that legal tender. Happy however? That’s one descriptor that has never suited me or my personality.
As a now almost forty two year old, the same things can be said about me. But my old mans impression of his boy will forever stick with him.
I shot a few snippets from the show, but this is the only song I shot fully. I only hope I continue to make my old man proud. I hope that he sees me from wherever he is and is proud of all that I’ve had to overcome since he left us. I hope he is proud that his son still doesn’t give up to the challenges put in his life.
In the end, these seem to be the lyrics that have pinned me, much like my old man:
“Gonna pack my lunch in the morning And go to work each day
And when the evening rolls around I’ll go on home and lay my body down And when the morning light comes streaming in I’ll get up and do it again, Amen Say it again, Amen”
It’s been three months since I’ve written in my blog, and to me that’s a genuine dis-service. Life has not been easy on me for a few months. Between my back issues, increasing and ever present tensions at my employer across the board, and some financial difficulties, I just want to hide.
And so that has been a lot of my life as of late, hiding. I go to work because I would lose everything I have if I didn’t. But then? Then I hide away. Spending much of my time in my bedroom either asleep or with something on my TV while I doze in and out of consciousness.
Spoon Theory is a good metaphor for how I feel.
The things that used to be easy, take much of the finite amount of energies I do have. I have been doing a lot of looking within as of late, and I don’t like what I see.
