Random YouTube Wormholes, and how humanity touches me

Yesterday, I randomly discovered something that touched me deeply. I’m not much for vlogging, even though my own YouTube channel is essentially that. That’s where the great algorithms google has created said “hey, you might like this video.”

This is the exact video that was recommended to me

At first, my naughty side was engaged. Then I realized this was just a small piece of a much larger and deeper engagement. This woman was reading the secrets every teenage boy wanted to know when we were young, she was reading her diaries!

So I circled the wagons, and started at the very first video and kept the videos playing. It was around midnight when I stopped last night, not realizing the time. There were only two more videos of the series left, my heart full of those emotions I felt as a middle school / freshman boy.

By her own words, she came from a stereotypical middle class family, had what can be only described as a “normal” upbringing, yet only wanted the love and affection from a boy (or girl) that would make her feel complete. This moved me, down to the core of my being.

At the same age, I never felt liked, wanted or needed by anyone in my age group who was of love or sexual interest. Middle school was the time of my life in school, but much like Rodney Dangerfield I didn’t get no respect! I didn’t know what made girls like boys, but I wanted to be one of those boys they liked.

My 7th Grade picture, middle. They infamously spelled my name wrong.

Back then, I really wore my heart on my sleeve. (Who am I kidding, I still do.) My two go to’s with the opposite sex were cheesy lines and deeply written heartfelt notes of affection towards the ones that made my heart go pitter patter. I still speak with and know several of those girls, and those lines have stayed as memories of way back when.

One was to a girl who I instantly felt comfortable with, we will call her M. I would always ask her if she wanted to “take a magic carpet ride with me?” while passing her. Another girl, we will call her A, I used to essentially harass by asking her if she knew “what the other white meat was.” This was a play on the pork industry’s marketing at the time. Another girl, her first name is the name of one of the boats Christopher Columbus had, so I would ask her were they went? She’s now a professor at the same university I work at. When I took her course (you know I had to), I would bring this up, and even wrote it on my final exam “for bonus points.”

The notes, or letters or whatever you want to call them, I’m not sure if I’ll ever know how they were received by their intended recipients. I don’t even know if they got them. I would pour my heart and soul out to these girls, but never received a response in kind. Never.

But still, NOBODY WANTED ME. It seemed as if all of the girls I wanted actually wanted someone else, or a guy of more social significance had “laid claim to her” as if she were a piece of property. I didn’t understand, I still don’t.

I had my guy friends, people I had known quite literally since I was born, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted someone to fill my heart with joy. Bring smiles to my face just because they exist, all of that romantic stuff kids of this age think of.

I went through a lot of struggle during this time of life. My mother ran off with my stepfather as he was wanted by the police, leaving me alone in a trailer. Eventually I was living there with no electricity, no heat, no water – nothing. I was surviving through the money my dad faithfully paid for me to have lunch. When he discovered this, a new change began. He and I started living with my grandmother, 30 miles away (because my stepmom wouldn’t allow me to live in her house).

A girlfriend would have helped my soul, significantly. I will digress on me now.

Her YouTube series just highlights the struggles that most if not all of us must sadly endure. Those cringeworthy years where we want something – but don’t know how to get it. Don’t know how to understand the signs that someone is interested or not interested in you. They are times that leave an indelible mark on all of our souls.

You could say those times were fruitful for me, as I’ve always been what I call a “social chameleon.” Being able to fit into all sorts of social circles, it has enabled my continued connections to many of that time.

After a 11 year marriage, I ended up reconnecting with many from that time as a method of healing my wounded soul. I wanted to see how life had treated all of those that I genuinely cared about. I eventually started spending more and more time with one of them. At the age of 35, I was still unsure if she was giving me signs of interest, if she liked me, etc. It was like middle school all over again.

On the advice of a trusted friend, after we went to the drive-in (her kids, she and I) I planted a kiss on her as I was walking her to her door. I didn’t want to be in a state of confusion of where I stood in her life. I had to make a move. I was also legitimately worried that I had just ruined this excellent friendship she and I had been forming.

My girlfriend, also 7th grade at the same school. Middle image. We never spoke. WHY???

The constant pessimist, I assumed I would never hear from her again. I was wrong. In a couple of weeks, we will be celebrating 4 years as a couple. It’s been a wild adventure with her, but I think my life would have been much less interesting without her in it.

Had I realized I could look back on my writings 20 years later, and see the inner most thoughts of a younger version of myself, I would have started writing way back then. I hope you are reading this Gretasaur, and I hope you are smiling.

I sent Gretasaur an email and facebook message, just to say thank you. I deeply appreciate those gifts she provided the world, and I want her to be aware of that.

Pandemic

Two weeks ago, I got sick. It was a sinus pressure buildup in my head. My head pulsated with migraine like pain.

After taking a week’s worth of Mucinex, the pain went away, or I thought it did. It simply moved to my chest. For the past week, I’ve been dealing with chest congestion. It hasn’t been fun.

Then, the only words I really have for this come from Star Trek The Next Generation, “shakka, the walls fell.”

News of Coronavirus and COVID-19 spread like wildfire. I wasn’t sure if this was just the next hot story in the news cycle or something to be legitimately concerned with. I’m still on the fence in all reality. But I am taking all of the actual news I get under advisement.

In my work at the IU School of Medicine, I’m fortunate to have personal and professional contact with doctors and experts in the medical community. Their calm, keeps me calm.

I’m one to live light, so that I do not have a central base and I can bug out easily. I know others are not as fortunate in that regard. I live knowing I can go to many places across this and other countries if I need to. Connections are everything I have.

My girlfriend recently needed to go grocery shopping and we were shocked to find limits of 4 cans of any item in place at Aldi. Kroger having similar limits as well. Toilet paper seems to be the thing people are hoarding in the USA for this pandemic, I really do not understand why.

I know my thoughts are rambling through this blog post, where I typically try to keep them on point, but I must get these things out.

I have a weakened immune system due to a skin disorder and medications I take for that disorder. Social distancing is something that comes natural to me, as I’m an introvert by heart.

My job has been very mixed on this front, as I answer to different people. My director wants us all to come in tomorrow, while the university’s stance at this moment is work from home if you can.

No matter who you are, or where you are from (I don’t know if anyone even reads this blog), stay safe. This is a time when social isolation is good for humanity, so do it. If not for you, do it for me. I am one of those who could literally die from the spread of this virus.

I’m going to leave you with a great song by a great man with a great band called Half Pagan.

Bah Humbug

I’ve went all Ebeneezer Scrooge this year for some reason. I don’t know why, and I definitely do not like or enjoy it.

I’ve had a lot of things dumped on me at the last minute at work, with a demanded completion date of by the end of the year.

My girlfriend, and her children picked up some sort of sickness. So I did what I do in these situations, stay away. I’ve been at home, by myself all week.

I have a ton of things to do here, but no will to do them. I need to wrap Christmas presents, disassemble that darned TV antenna to return to Amazon, and work on the Camaro.

I’m stressed, the clock is ticking on Christmas, and I seem to be getting more depressed by the day.

I thought this was supposed to be “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” For me, it has been the darkest time of the year for 5 years solid now.

Before posting this, I decided to do something. Just writing this motivated me. So I attempted to install the new speakers in the Camaro. The drivers side went well. Then I attempted to install the passengers side. Everything went well until I tried to test them, they didn’t work. While trying to diagnose the issue, the speaker fell apart. Sigh. I’m going to bed, maybe I can forget this day.

Let Us Smash Some Pumpkins

Many don’t understand my taste in music, and never will.  I’m fine with that.

Friday night, Lyndsey and I saw the Smashing Pumpkins.  A group that gained notoriety in my pre-teen days.  It wasn’t until my later teens that I became curious, and later, enthralled.  Primarily due to a couple of girls I had an interest in singing the lyrics while on the bus to high school.

With songs ranging from “Today” that is sweet sounding and generally a happy tune, to “Bullet with Butterfly Wings” which explains the human rat race in a post apocalyptic world, their lyrics run the spectrum.  Their gritty guitars and electro synth stylings are quite literally music to my ears.

I was nervous about this concert, as Lyndsey has some serious mobility issues.  Our seats were right off the floor – but I knew she would have to do a tremendous amount of walking.  It wasn’t too bad on her, she was a trooper.  Due to her issues, the ushers advised us to take a different exit.  Instead of going out where everyone else does.  We got a little bit of a backstage tour.  One that was closely guarded so we had no opportunity or way to go venturing.

I was disappointed that the group isn’t whole, as they have continued without their original bassist, but sometimes that’s the way life goes.  Billy Corgan has received a lot of flak over his political views, which I honestly do not care about.  He was a professional and didn’t use his band to continue those views while on stage.

It was an enjoyable evening on this year, the year of concerts for me.  So far there have been three.  One of which, the Foo Fighters, I was unable to attend.  I have one more left.  Alabama with Travis Tritt.  Two acts I never thought I’d be able to see.