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Repairing Burned Bridges

The breakup with my fiancee was the hardest thing I’ve ever went through emotionally in my life. It turned my Scorpio tendencies on fire. Sadness, which fueled anger in an endless cycle that didn’t care about it’s victims.

It burned all of my bridges with her, and her children. The last time I spoke with her she said “I don’t want anything to do with you for the rest of my life.” Even though at this point I was as equally done with her, it hurt to the core. I never imagined the person whom I honestly think I will call “the love of my life, and the one that got away” would say such a thing. But I deserved those comments from the actions I pulled, which I will not repeat or explain.

This week fate had a way of opening that locked door. I had concert tickets – but nobody to go with. So I was going to give them to her, she already had 2. Let her have the fun. I reached out not knowing she had blocked cellular communications and emails from me. But she had just unblocked me before I emailed her and asked about it.

It’s clear that she really didn’t like how things were between us either, and did those things to protect herself. I miss my best friend, the best friend I’ve ever had. That’s all I want.

It’s so strange, because as we’ve talked it’s felt like just when she and I began to talk in early 2016. It feels good to my soul too. I only hope we continue to make progress and build the deeply built trust that was between us. I want this “new” period to be healthy, with boundaries that build respect and mutual appreciation with forgiveness of the past.

The only thing my soul wants is peace, having her back in my life in whatever manner is comfortable for her will help achieve that peace.

Eight Years

Eight years ago, I was on an adventure with a friend who ended up lighting the fire of passion within my soul.

It all started because my baby cousins were getting married in Oklahoma, and I hadn’t made the drive in a while solo. My ex wife, concerned with my history of having seizures asked me to see if someone would go with me. I sure found someone. I asked her simply because she was a friend who had the opportunity, but before we left we had become a couple.

It was a true adventure. One that I’ve been trying to have again ever since. I got pulled over twice within 30 minutes between Kansas and Nebraska. We saw the “Sand Hills”, Carhenge, went to Rushmore and camped with many who were protesting the installation of a pipeline at Standing Rock, at the Sacred Stone camp. Stopping at the Mall of America just for a potty break in a rush home because I was out of time off work.

We woke up and the temperature had dropped 30 degrees, her nose was “frozed” so we found some hoodies at a Dollar General to stay warm.

I’ll forever miss her and our times together. She opened my mind and my eyes to things I will always adore, enjoy and appreciate. There was a fatal flaw in our relationship however, even though she loved me in all the ways I dreamed of ever being loved, I didn’t know how to give that back to her. In the end, it’s why she left.

It’s unlikely our souls will ever intertwine again, and that’s the saddest truth here.

Please Wait, New Version Loading

For the past two weeks I have kept going back to this Taylor Swift song.

The key part being this verse:
“I should not be left to my own devices
They come with prices and vices
I end up in crisis (tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I’ll watch as you’re leaving
‘Cause you got tired of my scheming”

On Sunday April 7th, 2024 my fiancée and partner of almost 8 years left me. She’s cited various reasons that I won’t be listing here.

Just to restate some lyrics from that song, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me
At tea time, everybody agrees.”

I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m not writing this as a victim of loss. I’m writing this to get public thoughts out.

I have a problem listening to those I love. Especially those called “the love of my life.” I failed to respect her feelings, losing her heart, soul, and love. Our friendship got lost along the way, and I feel that played a major role in her decision to leave.

I must and will better myself, and for myself. I will be seeing a counselor very soon. I am working on resolving my longstanding back issues. I am going to the gym and doing my best to lead an active lifestyle compared to how my life has been over the last three years. I’m reading like I never have before, trying to improve myself and to learn more about why things went how they did so I may avoid this ever happening in the future.

I am using my support network and creating new connections and looking forward. Life is a hard mix of optimism and sadness. Like many things however, this too shall pass.

Niagara Falls Redux

Last week was Amelia’s spring break. I decided to take her on a trip I took her mother on many years ago. To the great white north! And white it was, the ground was covered with snow when we got there and the temps were in the 30’s.

We stayed 2 days on the New York Side, 2 days on the Canadian side, and then made our way to Dearborn Michigan, where we went to The Henry Ford Museum and Rouge Factory Tour. Something my uncle was going to go with us to, but unfortunately passed away before we were able to. He was with us in spirit.

While in New York, we went to Highmark Stadium, The Aquarium of Niagara and The Martin House, a Frank Lloyd Wright prairie style home.

It was the most boring FLW home I’ve toured, minus one detail. A sculpture in the conservatory. Which I purchased a smaller version of. Her mom and I went to many FLW homes, including Fallingwater and were foundation members for a few years.

The view from our hotel room in Canada was glorious. Making it not needed to do many things along the gorge that most do.

We did go to the Journey Behind the Falls experience, something her mom and I also did.

While there, I had to pickup some Cuban cigars. Something that was strictly not allowed during my first visit. I must say, they are the best tasting cigars I’ve ever had in my life. Well worth the price.

I’m quickly running out of these “take her on trips I took her mom on” trips. There’s only 1 left, and that is Fallingwater & the Flight 93 memorial. I hope Amelia is able to look back on these experiences with just me and appreciate them as she becomes an adult.

Promises Kept

October 23rd, 2022 was a grand day for Star Trek, Bloomington & The Janeway Collective. On that day, Kate Mulgrew kept the promise she made on October 24th, 2020 when The Janeway Statue was unveiled.

On that cold, socially distanced day in 2020 she made a promise that she would come visit, and that it would be a great day. She was right.

The stars aligned and we were able to have an event with Kate. So many questions had to be answered, so many problems solved to make it happen however. Unfortunately, with my back problems and job change I hadn’t been able to give what I gave to the unveiling.

Event space near the statue was expensive, prohibitively. But the old Woolery Mill, that has been revamped by One World Enterprises wasn’t. It was out of town compared to the statue and other options, but it was overly welcoming. It was there where we held an event titled “A Conversation with Kate” which was a sell out, with close to 500 in attendance. The maximum occupancy was 520.

Kate had a long day that day, driving all the way from Iowa where she is from. Arriving at the statue I’m sure she was a combination of tired and excited at the same time, as we had roughly the same audience size in attendance as we did for the unveiling. There was also plenty of media there, from Indiana Public Media, to The Bloomingtonian, our own crew that was recording and streaming the goings on via Facebook, and a few others that I didn’t know or recognize.

While at the statue, Kate gave a speech and then took some photos. Due to the size of the crowd, and an angry older lady with a walker – the situation quickly became one of fear of the security of our esteemed guest. So I, our security team and other members of the collective quickly formed a bubble and whisked Ms. Mulgrew away.

We then proceeded to the event space, where I had helped do some setup. The event began with The Nerdy Flutist, who had also played at the statue before Kate arrived. She and her friends had made some videos on Tik Tok. It was then that I knew we had to invite her for such an event. I’m very happy the collective continued my motivations.

@thenerdyflutist
It’s been a while since I posted this, and now the @janewaystatue is on TikTok! #startrek #voyager #janeway #janewaystatue #trektok #trektokcrew #nx85313 #nxcosplay #flutequartet
♬ Voyager Flute Quartet – TheNerdyFlutist | Kelly 🎶

This is the video in question

When she was done with her set, Kate made her way to the stage. I’ll never forget Kelly’s words on the experience for her. As Kate bowed to her, it made her feel appreciated, it made her feel seen and loved. And loved she is, for just being herself.

After the event, we had a private dinner with Kate at The Irish Lion. I was told only the board would be present, but we had some other guests including said flutist, who sat next to me. She felt like she was in a dream that she didn’t want to wake from, and I was so happy for her. I told Kate about how the place we were having dinner was featured on the TV show Cheers, which she was on several times. It was a great day, and a great evening.

In many ways, it was the dream realized for the rag tag group of people that got together in 2019 wanting to build a statue for “our” captain.

White Flag

That’s what my body is now waving. I’ve been going through what I can only call a period of hell. One where my body screams at me constantly. With my only real escape being sleep (when I’m able to get it).

My prescribed pain medications are no longer working. Chiropractor visits are effective for a few hours. This large inversion table in my home merely takes up additional space, providing no relief.

Due to that, I have finally given in to undergoing a surgical procedure on my spine. I’ve done everything non surgical twice just to be sure. It will be a great “Christmas” present to me, as I am having it on December 23rd.

If you read my blog, keep me in your thoughts. I’m tired of surviving, and want to get back to living again.

POP! Goes the Back

Saturday night as I was laying down to go to bed, a large POP and CRACK occurred in my back. I’ve been dealing with this bulged disk for over a year now. Was this a good sign or a bad one?

So far, the news is positive. The nerve pain I have been having has almost disappeared. I still have some slight issues, but nowhere near what I was having.

This means I can actually stand without my leg going numb completely. I still have some numbness, but nowhere near the levels that I had previously.

I plan on getting a hold of the spinal specialist I saw previously to have another CT scan done to see if there are indeed any changes. If so, I definitely won’t have to have any surgery. Something I was genuinely worried about.

I felt so good that I was able to go out and see a couple of friends, one of which was in town from Milwaukee for the LOTUS festival. I had planned on seeing them during the festival, but my back had been hurting so much I barely moved the entire weekend.

Women, and Why I Love Them So

Almost two weeks ago I received a call from my uncle in Michigan. It was bad news. My aunt Marty was in the hospital and it didn’t look like she would recover.

Marty flippin’ my dad the bird, circa late 80’s.

I told him that I would be there the next day. After clearing things with my new job, I hit the road. A journey I hadn’t made in eight years. Shortly behind me was my girlfriend. She stayed behind as we were not sure if Amelia wanted to come.

My aunt and uncle moved to Michigan in 1995 from Greenfield, where they had the largest house I had ever stayed in. Their employer had been bought out and they were offered jobs in Detroit, or they could find new jobs and stay. They decided to go.

My dad’s trusty Blazer with my uncle showing off his new house.

She worked in the branches eventually becoming an Associate Vice President of the bank before her retirement. Always firey, always full of attitude. I know why my uncle fell in love with her.

She has a son, who was on Jeopardy at one point. In all these years, I’ve yet to meet him however.

I arrived; and my uncle and I immediately went to the hospital. It was bad. I was suddenly confronted with the reason why I missed out on several family members passing. After going through what happened with my grandfather, I could no longer go to such situations. I had to, my uncle suddenly had no other family. He needed someone to be there for him; and I was going to make sure he wasn’t alone.

Sadly, my aunt didn’t make it. Her condition only eroded until she passed away on 9/11/2022 at 5:30pm.

Her obituary is here.

Her attitude, her voice and her humor formed the basis of why I love women the way I do. Her ferocity towards all things are why I love women who refuse to apologize for being their honest selves. I had no other symbols of female power as close to me as she was in my family.

I will forever miss you Marty. You made this little boy love women just like you.

Pivot

For many of my generation, that word will forever be tied to a scene from the sitcom Friends.

I am speaking about a different kind of pivot here though. I recently pivoted my career.

Since 2008, I have worked at Indiana University in one way, shape, form as a IT support provider. For the last seven and a half years I have been the Senior Technology Support Technician for the IU School of Medicine-Bloomington.

I will forever be appreciative of that role, not just for what it provided but what it gave in return. The connections to people I can only call heroes, and the ability to afford to live in this world on my own; something many today cannot do.

Over time however, the role and the place became less friendly to a person such as myself. I was given more and more responsibility, yet when asked about an increase in my salary I was given an angry meeting with my director stating “I would never receive another pay raise.”

While the bad times had calmed down, other events happening around me told me that the environment I was in was much like the dinosaurs. The person I literally looked up to, the person I eventually was able to become professionally quit. He professed publicly on social media that he had been bullied and couldn’t stand it anymore. He then moved to New Orleans.

I was also in a position where any increases in salary were questionable at best. A change in my title would be required. So I was stuck. Do I sit and take what is given? Or do I find a new challenge that will let me expand my skills and potentially my paycheck? Employment has always been a hard subject for me, especially attaining it.

I was in luck however, as a friend told me about a job that was opening up. I reached out to the person that held the position, who gave me a great deal of information of the duties involved. I applied, and interviewed. It took a while, but I was the choice of those in the hiring committee.

It’s a large change for me, as the position is a salaried role versus the hourly lifestyle I have lived all my life. I will be receiving my first full paycheck from the position at the end of this week.

The official title is Business and Database Systems Analyst for The University Graduate School. There is no roadmap or solid tasks for the position. Each day is a learning opportunity. Many have told me that it takes about 8 months before they really know what they are doing.

In the meantime, I am also offering limited support to my old job which has thrown the vast majority of my workload onto the Nursing IT Pro, which I tried my best to keep from happening.

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the place and the people that provided me a family when I felt as if I had none. The place that provided me opportunity at the exact time when I could have become homeless.

Now it is on to new goals, new challenges in my professional world.

Taylor, meet Taylor

My eldest princess turned 23 last week. She has decided to live a very private life, so I take whatever opportunity I can get with her. A few days before her birthday I found out that Taylor Tomlinson was going to play the Comedy Attic that weekend.

This screamed PERFECT to me. As she speaks about her hangups with anxiety, depression and even bipolar disorder in her routine. About what life is like for the 20 something crowd. There was one problem though, and that was the fact that all of her shows were sold out.

I almost got tickets for her show the night of my daughter’s birthday, but it was too late. I would have showed up late, I didn’t want that. I woke up Saturday in complete and utter pain. I just wasted the day away, figuring out what I was going to do. My little girl deserved to know her dad loves her, she deserved to know that she is my princess, and she will always deserve everything I can give her – even if she doesn’t want it.

Luck would be on my side, as I was able to score tickets to her last show of the weekend. I then had another issue, my daughter is much like her father at that age. Sleeping is hard, waking up is even harder. I wasn’t going to waste the tickets – but I was definitely worried that we weren’t going to make it in time.

She killed it, and I loved the time with my Taylor who I’ve taken to see 2 famous other Taylors now. This should be a thing that I do, and I know she appreciates it.