A large theme in therapy has been on centering myself. Allowing myself to feel my emotions, and acknowledge what they are telling me without letting them control or guide me in directions that are traditionally negative.
Sadness is still my prevalent emotion. It brings a flood of warmness beginning in my chest, which rises up my body and exits through tears that flow like a stream. The tears in turn cause my mind to take me to the regrets, the mistakes and the missed opportunities of the past. The “what ifs” runneth over.
The weekend didn’t do me any favors in this department. Trying to repair the bridges I burned. Trying to pivot and just be a friend with my ex fiancee, for her to discard me because of the insecurities of another put me in that place. A pivot that I was embracing with open arms.
This too shall pass though. Just like any struggle in life, it will pass. Instead of holding these things with all of my might I am trying to feel them and let them pass through me as if they were a bolt of lightning. It’s been helpful, but nobody enjoys feeling such things over and over and over again. It’s a groundhog’s day of emotional torture.
It is taxing on the soul, and lately it’s been taxing on my body. I’ve been waking feeling as if I had been hit by a truck. Eating has been difficult, and most other tasks have been as well, including work.
I must look to what the future holds, and stop holding onto the past. I must stop thinking about lost loves and past lives, as they are and will forever be in the past. I’ll never be able to go back there, even if I wanted to. This does me no good emotionally. This does me no good in advancing myself and become a better version of me.