September 2024 – lee-lawmaster.com

Two Way Mirror

I was fortunate to witness something yesterday that I don’t think many get the opportunity to see. I witnessed the toxic behaviors that used to control and drive me when it came to my romantic relationships, or to be more succinct achieving them in another.

I made a new friend, an educator at one of the local high schools who teaches ASL and is deaf. She’s a great person to text with, talk with. I met her last week and we had a great time together. While communication in public was tough at times as I don’t know ASL and her phone picked up everything from the wind to other peoples conversations – it was nice. I’m always up for making new friends.

There was a catch though. She has feelings for me. Ones that weren’t apparent to me. From the start I told her that I was just looking for friendship, nothing more.

Yesterday I went to a local Pagan Pride Day with another friend and invited her. She feels all alone and knew someone that was going to be there. We all had fun, and after we left we went to a Mexican restaurant and had a wonderful meal and conversation.

Then the night came, and being overtly outward and blunt to me she asked if I was attracted to her. I replied “no.” This sent her into a storm of which seemed like I was in a fun house of mirrors or something and I wasn’t only reading words but I could literally feel the emotion. This was me, not that long ago. This was me, most of my life.

I saw how, I saw why that was unattractive. Everything suddenly made sense as to why going slow with everything from here on out feels right and is healthier for me than the ways of the past.

It made me realize that I never want to be like that again. That I’d rather find my route alone, than let such things control me again. It’s show me why this path of growth is important, and will be best for my long term happiness.

New Patterns New Life

I’ve learned many lessons this year, and due to me being a stubborn fool I always learn them the hard way.

The combination of the loss of my relationship and associated grief caused me go to what is normally my safe space, using all of my energy to find anyone to replace that feeling. This summer I got that out of my system and was able to take a hard look at myself and see just how toxic that was. Not just to me, but to those I encountered as well.

Therapy has been extremely helpful at looking within myself, finding out the causes of these behaviors in my life and more importantly how to change them for the better. I don’t see myself ending therapy for quite some time. Most of the time I enter therapy to “fix” a problem, but my mindset has changed, and my life has changed. I’m not out to fix a problem, but rather to pivot how I react to adversary, how I react to those situations that isn’t 100% agreeable with my wants. Like many, I am a creature of habit and look to examples of my childhood as the answer to such situations.

Unfortunately in many cases I was never presented with the right examples as a child. I was given every example of what not to do, what not to be. Some of those examples seemed to have snuck in there though, to the detriment of so much and many in my life.

With almost all of my personal relationships, whether they be friendships or romantic entanglements, I’ve never been the kind of person who enjoyed or respected boundaries. I’m 100% in or not in at all. I may not release my deepest and darkest secrets to a person, but they will know all of me, heart and soul.

I’m finding those boundaries to be in some ways as exciting as they are fulfilling. It shows that I respect the other person, and in turn it shows the same respect for me. It gives me time to reflect on interactions, and think of what I did right, what I could do better, and in some cases what I did wrong. This also provides the energy and time to still focus on myself instead of reverting to the toxic behavior of throwing my entire self into another, which has been only a detriment to me in the past.

We all live in our own timeline, and for most of my life I have compared it to others. Sometimes that comparison has fueled toxic behaviors. I now finally feel free to be me and merely exist as I wish, as I want. This is something that usually fills me with anxiety and loneliness, but now it provides me with a feeling of peace and self security that I’m not sure I’ve felt before.

Through writing this, I have discovered some more things about myself that do need to be improved and/or changed to further actualize these changes, but we are all works in progress. If we stop learning, if we stop advancing, don’t we stop experiencing what it is to be human?

Lighting Fires

My date over the weekend was rescheduled to be on Sunday, but that’s okay. I didn’t feel well at all Saturday. To the point where I had to take some pain meds and just let the day sail away on me. I missed the finishing of a friends documentary production, and the luau, but that’s okay as well. Listening to my body, and what it tells me is important.

I wanted to pick her up, but she was running errands near the location of the date so we met there instead. I thought I would get there a little early, but due to traffic I showed up almost on time – and she was already there again. Gah! Make mental note to be there even earlier next time as to not keep a lady in waiting.

We shared a wonderful meal together, along with wonderful and intellectual conversation. In our conversations she called herself a flower, who’s petals slowly bloom. I finally started to see some blooming happening.

She’s a student, with her research focused on cultural musical rhythms, and how they affect the brain. I find that fascinating. She sings opera, and has done musical theater! Be still my heart <3. When we began communicating, I had given her the URL of my website, and she let me in on the fact that she’s been reading along (Hey there, I see you 😉 ). The fact that my writings regarding my healing, and my ex didn’t run her off meant mountains to me. We talked a little about our thoughts and dreams of the future, of which I can see a shared vision between us. This date was definitely more intimate than the first one, where I felt like a blabbering fool entertaining a princess at court.

As the date ended, I walked her to her car and as if a whisper in the wind spoke to me, I kissed her. It didn’t end with a simple kiss however, oh no. There we stood, in the middle of a mall parking lot, passionately kissing and holding each other for a time I didn’t record. A time that felt so long but in reality was so short. It was beautiful, it was magical, and it was something that had been ramping up in our conversations with each other.

While wrapped up in each other she paused to say, “I really need to get my work done.” It brought a smile to my face, as time with her has been extremely limited. Something I yearn for more of, but understand because she really is a quite busy person.

So a fire has been lit, I look forward to seeing all parts of it. The smoke, the flame, the ash.

Centering Emotions

A large theme in therapy has been on centering myself. Allowing myself to feel my emotions, and acknowledge what they are telling me without letting them control or guide me in directions that are traditionally negative.

Sadness is still my prevalent emotion. It brings a flood of warmness beginning in my chest, which rises up my body and exits through tears that flow like a stream. The tears in turn cause my mind to take me to the regrets, the mistakes and the missed opportunities of the past. The “what ifs” runneth over.

The weekend didn’t do me any favors in this department. Trying to repair the bridges I burned. Trying to pivot and just be a friend with my ex fiancee, for her to discard me because of the insecurities of another put me in that place. A pivot that I was embracing with open arms.

This too shall pass though. Just like any struggle in life, it will pass. Instead of holding these things with all of my might I am trying to feel them and let them pass through me as if they were a bolt of lightning. It’s been helpful, but nobody enjoys feeling such things over and over and over again. It’s a groundhog’s day of emotional torture.

It is taxing on the soul, and lately it’s been taxing on my body. I’ve been waking feeling as if I had been hit by a truck. Eating has been difficult, and most other tasks have been as well, including work.

I must look to what the future holds, and stop holding onto the past. I must stop thinking about lost loves and past lives, as they are and will forever be in the past. I’ll never be able to go back there, even if I wanted to. This does me no good emotionally. This does me no good in advancing myself and become a better version of me.

I Had a Feeling

I knew the highs of the last few days wouldn’t continue forever, and as I suspected I was right. But you know what? It’s okay, and it will be okay. What’s meant to be will, and I should not concern myself with things I cannot control. It does no good for me or my well being.

I had a wonderful night last night at the Falling in Reverse concert with my ex fiancee. A band I wouldn’t have known about or liked if it wasn’t for her. I told her that she was my conduit for this genre of music, as it’s the truth. I always liked the contrast between our musical styles.

Before the show, I snapped this photo of us. It will probably be the last photo of us together.

Both of us have changed significantly since we started hanging out as friends in 2016. I losing hair and going grey, while she lost a large amount of weight.

The show was amazing, and I’m happy I went. For a while we even had a mosh pit in front of us. There were 5 bands that played, and each one put on one hell of a performance. Especially Blackveil Brides and Falling in Reverse.

Today she messaged me that she’s working on fixing things with her new guy, and because of that we can no longer really talk or hang out. I kind of saw this coming, and I understand but am filled with sadness from it.

We had spent 3 lovely evenings together, working on repairing the damages of the past and forging a new version of a friendship. I’m thankful that I had the opportunity of those 3 evenings instead of nothing at all. One of her last texts to me read, “I’m sorry maybe one day.” I hope so too Lyndsey.

This isn’t a purely sad post however, as just as the night was filled with darkness, the girl I went on a date with on Sunday texted me. It’s as if she has a sense that some words from her would be helpful to my mood. She and I seem to be getting closer and closer in a way I’ve never felt or experienced with another. It’s exciting and a literal breath of fresh air. She’s a very busy girl, so I take all of her in while I can. Our next date is planned for this Saturday, a Luau. I cannot wait, and from what it seems like, neither can she.

The future is bright, I just have to keep seizing opportunities as they come.

Another Red Ribbon Day

This weekend really was good to me, and I appreciate all that life is giving to me right now.

I had a date yesterday with someone I met on a dating website. She and I had been chatting for a while, but it was our first time meeting. I was nervous as she’s younger than me. We met at the Runciple Spoon, a place I adore but don’t go to that often. It was a bright and beautiful day. I felt like I did most of the talking, but she seemed to enjoy it. We ended our brunch date agreeing to swap phone numbers and to have a second date. I gave her a hug and we parted ways.

I came back home, still tired from the day before and sent her a message with my phone number, telling her that she could text me.

I then proceeded to fall asleep and wait for the concert I was going to see, Soul Asylum, Live and Stone Temple Pilots. 3 HUGE bands from my youth. My ex was going to be there, but after the night we had together I thought everything would be okay.

I had a ticket in the pavilion, right behind the pit. It was a great seat BUT I was surrounded by dudes. Once the lights came on I had to retreat, as they would have caused me to have a seizure if I had stayed there.

So I retreated and sat with my ex fiancee, her daughter and her friend for the rest of the show. Sure the views weren’t as good – but the company was better. The whole concert I was thinking about that date, and wondering if I’d hear back from her. With so many people ghosting me out of the blue, I assumed it would be the same thing – but it wasn’t! She texted me as I was leaving!

Tonight I have another concert, Falling in Reverse. A show the ex fiancee and I were going to go to before everything fell apart between she and I. I’m happy we are going to be able to go. I’ve missed music, I’ve missed concerts.

I felt lost for so long, but now it definitely feels as if things are looking upward in my life. I’m just going to keep taking things as they come, and appreciating the good things as they have been so far and few between.

We just setup our next date, a Luau put on by a dear friend who has helped me through some of the darkest times of my life including the recent break-up.

Onward and upward!

Carpe Diem

The day started with a hiccup, but I was able to turn it around and really feel like I seized the day.

Amelia had a volleyball game at 10am. I set an alarm as I’ve been having problems sleeping – but it didn’t go off! I woke up and it was too late to make it. Thankfully, a mom on the team live streams the games, so I was at least able to watch.

Then, as I started off on my motorcycle for a ride to see a friend in Terre Haute, I ran out of gas less than a mile away from home. I’m thankful for my neighbor and my mom for both offering their assistance in making sure my motorcycle didn’t get hit, and I could get the gas to make the trip.

It was a lovely ride to my friends place. I hadn’t rode to Terre Haute before. I’ve went through thick and thin with this friend. It had been a while since I had seen her and I needed the wind therapy. It was good to see her, her dad, her guy and the updates she’s making to her home.

While there, I was texting with my ex fiancee. She was going to go out shooting today, but was stood up. I was having so much fun with the wind therapy that I asked if she wanted to go out for a ride too. We hadn’t seen each other since May. She accepted, so we rode out to Nashville and back. Went and had dinner and then shot pool for a few hours.

It was a pleasure to finally see her, to talk to her, and to start mending the bridges I burned with her. It showed me that my emotional state is stable again. I hope this can be the beginning of the second chapter of she and I, whatever form it develops as.

Repairing Burned Bridges

The breakup with my fiancee was the hardest thing I’ve ever went through emotionally in my life. It turned my Scorpio tendencies on fire. Sadness, which fueled anger in an endless cycle that didn’t care about it’s victims.

It burned all of my bridges with her, and her children. The last time I spoke with her she said “I don’t want anything to do with you for the rest of my life.” Even though at this point I was as equally done with her, it hurt to the core. I never imagined the person whom I honestly think I will call “the love of my life, and the one that got away” would say such a thing. But I deserved those comments from the actions I pulled, which I will not repeat or explain.

This week fate had a way of opening that locked door. I had concert tickets – but nobody to go with. So I was going to give them to her, she already had 2. Let her have the fun. I reached out not knowing she had blocked cellular communications and emails from me. But she had just unblocked me before I emailed her and asked about it.

It’s clear that she really didn’t like how things were between us either, and did those things to protect herself. I miss my best friend, the best friend I’ve ever had. That’s all I want.

It’s so strange, because as we’ve talked it’s felt like just when she and I began to talk in early 2016. It feels good to my soul too. I only hope we continue to make progress and build the deeply built trust that was between us. I want this “new” period to be healthy, with boundaries that build respect and mutual appreciation with forgiveness of the past.

The only thing my soul wants is peace, having her back in my life in whatever manner is comfortable for her will help achieve that peace.

Eight Years

Eight years ago, I was on an adventure with a friend who ended up lighting the fire of passion within my soul.

It all started because my baby cousins were getting married in Oklahoma, and I hadn’t made the drive in a while solo. My ex wife, concerned with my history of having seizures asked me to see if someone would go with me. I sure found someone. I asked her simply because she was a friend who had the opportunity, but before we left we had become a couple.

It was a true adventure. One that I’ve been trying to have again ever since. I got pulled over twice within 30 minutes between Kansas and Nebraska. We saw the “Sand Hills”, Carhenge, went to Rushmore and camped with many who were protesting the installation of a pipeline at Standing Rock, at the Sacred Stone camp. Stopping at the Mall of America just for a potty break in a rush home because I was out of time off work.

We woke up and the temperature had dropped 30 degrees, her nose was “frozed” so we found some hoodies at a Dollar General to stay warm.

I’ll forever miss her and our times together. She opened my mind and my eyes to things I will always adore, enjoy and appreciate. There was a fatal flaw in our relationship however, even though she loved me in all the ways I dreamed of ever being loved, I didn’t know how to give that back to her. In the end, it’s why she left.

It’s unlikely our souls will ever intertwine again, and that’s the saddest truth here.