Another One Gone and Another One Gone…

Another one bites the dust. Another piece of my childhood, my memories and my life, gone. I drove by today, and the lot is flat. No remnants of the building remain.

Such has become so frequent locally that it’s normal. It kills my heart and breaks my soul.

1301 South Walnut Street

I lived in this home for a period of time. It had been converted into four apartments. I lived in the two that are facing this google street view image.

I was shoved into this new living situation because “Kathy says you can’t live here anymore” according to my father. Kathy is my stepmother. I don’t know how or why he allowed that to happen. I certainly wouldn’t if faced with a similar situation.

My mother had just moved back from her years long sojourn with her husband at the time, on a drug and alcohol fueled run from the law. They ended up in Lubbock, TX as they ran out of gas to make it to their original destination, Oregon. My mom had spent time there working at a nursery, while they lived in a camping trailer. She had come back alone, trying to get away from him.

She had gotten a job, and a good one, at General Electric. It was at the time one of the largest employers in the area and the largest side by side refrigerator factory in the world. She had rented the top floor apartment facing Walnut Street.

So here I was, essentially thrown at my mother like the garbage. It was odd, it was scary and it was traumatic. It was only a 1 bedroom apartment, my bedroom was the living room. I had no place to keep things, even clothes. Such was my life for that period of time.

It was during this period that I got into some of the most serious trouble I had ever gotten into in my life. It was the summer between 5th and 6th grade. I, like my father had matured physically earlier than my peers. I was six feet tall by then. I met some of the neighborhood kids and started to form bonds, as the move meant going to a new school (that also doesn’t exist anymore). It was a nice summer bonding with those guys, we got into a lot of mischief.

There was a new gas station one block away, called Bigfoot at the time but now a Circle K. Back then, they used to store all of their cases of soda right outside the front door. We hatched a plot to take it all, and take it all we did. With two lookouts, we would run across the front making sure to keep our heads down to not be seen by the employees. We would then drop off our load at the back of the gas station, in an alley. It was a circular pattern that we repeated until we had met our goal. We then split up the spoils and took our booty home.

I, through the connections I had made found out about these things we called “bullets.” No, they were not the item a piece of ammunition fires out of a firearm, but something used on cable TV systems to block premium TV channels. This was before the wave of “digital” everything in our lives. These “bullets” would give you the channel if you placed it on the back of your TV however. So, we banded together to harvest as many of these as possible – to sell on our neighborhood’s black market.

There was a trick to harvesting these “bullets” however, as they were installed on the distribution blocks that fed cable TV access to each home, roughly fifteen feet in the air. Most of the electric poles in the vicinity had steps embedded in them however, making access easier. Those steps didn’t start until about six feet, causing some issues. We would often use trash cans and other items we could find to help us reach our goal. We obviously couldn’t do this during the day, so it would always be late at night when we did this. We didn’t want an unsuspecting person to start looking out their windows when we disconnected their cable service to remove these items, just to connect it back a minute or so later.

Officially called a “Positive Trap Filter”

They were a very popular item, which we would sell for $20 a piece. They worked for Cinemax, Showtime and Encore but would not work for HBO. For HBO, the cable company installed a device that blocked the network and would have to do something in their office to enable the service.

It was during this time that I also became addicted to the act of being a “peeping tom.” There was a piece of my sexuality that was becoming awakened. My stepfather constantly had porn videos playing, or old fashioned pornographic magazines around. It wasn’t all about the sexual end of the spectrum for me however. It was about doing something I knew was wrong and the rush of adrenaline it gave me.

Those were the good times. That was when life was good and my innocence was being chipped away slowly. Then my stepfather came back, looking for my mother. I was actually spending the night at my best friends house when we heard a very loud clatter. It was him, he had driven back from Texas, pulling that camper he and my mom had lived in the entire time.

Soon enough, he had moved in with my mother and we moved into the apartment downstairs. It was “larger” according to the adults, but again I had a couch to sleep on and not much else. My clothes were kept in a cardboard box in the bedroom. The bathroom was so small that only 1 person could stand in it at a time.

The kitchen was straight out of the 1950’s, with metal cabinets and countertop. The stove looked like a 1959 Cadillac, with curves galore.

I had heard a tale from neighbors about that apartment. A trucker and his wife had lived there previously. He came back from a run to discover her in the act of cheating on him with another man. The neighbors said that he shot her in the head in the bathroom. There was a bullet sized hole that was covered by a piece of foam backed plastic and a couple of blood spatters high on the wall. I believe that story to be true.

Eventually tales of violence and sexual conquests would come back to the apartment, and they would leave their mark on me forever.

That summer, I had made a girlfriend of sorts. She lived by my best friend and we would talk here and there. Eventually we started talking on the phone a lot. We then began going to each others houses. There was one large difference between us however, she was 17 and I wasn’t 12 yet. Physically, I had the stature of a 17 year old, but wasn’t matured emotionally yet.

One night she came over, my stepdad filled her thoughts of being his secretary of his “company” that he ran (he always worked for himself, but was by no means rich), gave her alcohol and started massaging her. Before I knew it, they were in the bedroom, having sex. I couldn’t believe what was happening, right there basically in front of me. I was crushed on multiple emotional angles. I didn’t even know how to process it. When they finished, she came and offered to perform oral sex on me, but I wasn’t even sure what that was and I didn’t even want her near me. My stepdad paid for her to take a cab home, I never heard from her or saw her again. She and I had been playing “footsie” before everything transpired.

When school began, I was suddenly forced to realize how much of a different area I was in. There was originally two 6th grade classes, but one of the teachers quit. After multiple substitutes, we were finally provided with a teacher who was supposed to be there the rest of the year. I don’t know if she finished the year or not, because I was expelled from the school in October.

Before I get to how, I must explain why. Being the tallest kid in school, I became a target of anger from all of the other boys in my class, except for one who was oddly enough the smallest in the 6th grade class. He was one of the kids I befriended over the summer. I was chased, beaten and terrorized in and outside of school.

One day, while walking home from school the entire population of 6th grade boys followed me, in an attempt to beat me up. This was when I refused to be a victim any longer. My mother surprisingly showed up in an attempt to pick me up from school and witnessed this, along with the single friend I had made. As these boys were throwing rocks and other items at my back, I turned around and threw one of them into the path of a car. He almost got hit.

That however didn’t stop the attacks. A few days later, a group of them came with BB guns and knives, shooting up the apartment and bursting holes into every window. I grabbed the keys to my mom’s Dodge St. Regis and ran them down (no I didn’t run them over). I did however, run over their bicycles – all of them.

Those kids still weren’t deterred. My stepdad had bought me a cheap Daisy BB handgun. I carried it with me anywhere and everywhere I went after that. Anytime I saw one of those kids, I would shoot at them. I had hit a few of them, it’s aim wasn’t exactly precise.

Eventually, I decided to take that BB handgun to school with the intention of shooting everyone I could. The stresses from the horrible life I was living in addition to the constant attacks I was facing from the school (both students and administration) were more than I could bear.

So I loaded it up with all of the BB’s it could handle, and brought an extra tube of BB’s with me. I showed that friend I had made right before we made it to school. I was going to leave it in my backpack but chickened out and hid it in a bush instead. Someone saw this and reported it to the principal. Within an hour they had called the police and placed me under direct supervision.

The police talked to me about how that BB handgun looked like a real one, and how they would shoot someone with real ammunition if they saw someone with it. I was expelled from the school (Templeton Elementary School) but I was advanced to the 7th grade with only having 2 months of my 6th grade education. Much like the majority of educators in my life, they were just passing the buck.

When I got back home, my stepfather surprised me with a beating with a switch that I’ll never forget. I was then driven to Terre Haute to stay in Charter Hospital under lock down for the 2nd time in my life. This experience was much darker than the previous time. I was there for 3 weeks.

I don’t know if there were other complaints made about me to the police or what, but I was eventually put on probation for a term of 6 months. I distinctly remember my father taking me to the homes of each of the boys who’s bikes I had destroyed. He paid their parents for my destructive defense.

So, goodbye 1301 South Walnut. You brought a lot of misery to my life. While I certainly didn’t have a good time while being a resident of your neighborhood, you did leave memories and impressions on my life that I will carry with me to my dying day.

Postscript:
That single friend I had made while in that school turned out to be the biggest bully of them all. His mother died when we were in middle school, and he was put into the foster care system. I eventually lost contact with him. It wasn’t until the age of Myspace and Yahoo! Profiles that we reconnected. It was great for the 11 year old me, who always appreciated how he stood by me when it felt like the world was against me. He eventually moved back to Bloomington, but lived a life on the edge. Sleeping on friends couches or making girlfriends just for a place to stay. I offered him my garage for anything, and did whatever I could for him. I even enlisted my dad’s AAA service when his car broke down. He constantly pressured me to let him stay at my home for free, but my wife at the time wouldn’t allow it. I eventually got divorced, and when I began dating again, he started harassing me about it. I had to block him on social media and cut him out of my life on the request of the police. He has a lengthy rap sheet, with multiple convictions but seems to always slide between the cracks of the justice system. Funny to call it that, as his first name is Justice. As of late, he began harassing people making comments on The Bloomingtonian’s Facebook page. The website is operated by an award winning photojournalist who is trying to keep local journalism alive. I’m happy he’s no longer in my life, but sad that he can’t let go of his own sadness enough to not bully and intimidate others.

Cutting the Grass

Heat has always played a peculiar role in my life. As a child, I spent summers outside in nothing but a pair of shorts. That has since progressed to a point where I can barely stand it.

Last year, I was unable to mow my yard. I hired a guy to do it for me, and I appreciated the service he provided to me. I didn’t enjoy spending $50 a week on something I had done for years however.

Last year, I could barely stand being anywhere above 70 degrees. Indoors or out. I felt that I was a hostage to my body, trapped within the confines of air conditioned spaces.

Today, I mowed my yard for the first time in over a year. It’s a little victory, I just hope I can continue to do so. We haven’t reached the peak of heat in the year yet. I didn’t use the bagger this time, but I hope to eventually. My yard is still healing from the basement repair work and from where the gas company removed my gas service.

It’s supposed to rain tomorrow, so I felt it was prudent that the grass be mowed.

Random YouTube Wormholes, and how humanity touches me

Yesterday, I randomly discovered something that touched me deeply. I’m not much for vlogging, even though my own YouTube channel is essentially that. That’s where the great algorithms google has created said “hey, you might like this video.”

This is the exact video that was recommended to me

At first, my naughty side was engaged. Then I realized this was just a small piece of a much larger and deeper engagement. This woman was reading the secrets every teenage boy wanted to know when we were young, she was reading her diaries!

So I circled the wagons, and started at the very first video and kept the videos playing. It was around midnight when I stopped last night, not realizing the time. There were only two more videos of the series left, my heart full of those emotions I felt as a middle school / freshman boy.

By her own words, she came from a stereotypical middle class family, had what can be only described as a “normal” upbringing, yet only wanted the love and affection from a boy (or girl) that would make her feel complete. This moved me, down to the core of my being.

At the same age, I never felt liked, wanted or needed by anyone in my age group who was of love or sexual interest. Middle school was the time of my life in school, but much like Rodney Dangerfield I didn’t get no respect! I didn’t know what made girls like boys, but I wanted to be one of those boys they liked.

My 7th Grade picture, middle. They infamously spelled my name wrong.

Back then, I really wore my heart on my sleeve. (Who am I kidding, I still do.) My two go to’s with the opposite sex were cheesy lines and deeply written heartfelt notes of affection towards the ones that made my heart go pitter patter. I still speak with and know several of those girls, and those lines have stayed as memories of way back when.

One was to a girl who I instantly felt comfortable with, we will call her M. I would always ask her if she wanted to “take a magic carpet ride with me?” while passing her. Another girl, we will call her A, I used to essentially harass by asking her if she knew “what the other white meat was.” This was a play on the pork industry’s marketing at the time. Another girl, her first name is the name of one of the boats Christopher Columbus had, so I would ask her were they went? She’s now a professor at the same university I work at. When I took her course (you know I had to), I would bring this up, and even wrote it on my final exam “for bonus points.”

The notes, or letters or whatever you want to call them, I’m not sure if I’ll ever know how they were received by their intended recipients. I don’t even know if they got them. I would pour my heart and soul out to these girls, but never received a response in kind. Never.

But still, NOBODY WANTED ME. It seemed as if all of the girls I wanted actually wanted someone else, or a guy of more social significance had “laid claim to her” as if she were a piece of property. I didn’t understand, I still don’t.

I had my guy friends, people I had known quite literally since I was born, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted someone to fill my heart with joy. Bring smiles to my face just because they exist, all of that romantic stuff kids of this age think of.

I went through a lot of struggle during this time of life. My mother ran off with my stepfather as he was wanted by the police, leaving me alone in a trailer. Eventually I was living there with no electricity, no heat, no water – nothing. I was surviving through the money my dad faithfully paid for me to have lunch. When he discovered this, a new change began. He and I started living with my grandmother, 30 miles away (because my stepmom wouldn’t allow me to live in her house).

A girlfriend would have helped my soul, significantly. I will digress on me now.

Her YouTube series just highlights the struggles that most if not all of us must sadly endure. Those cringeworthy years where we want something – but don’t know how to get it. Don’t know how to understand the signs that someone is interested or not interested in you. They are times that leave an indelible mark on all of our souls.

You could say those times were fruitful for me, as I’ve always been what I call a “social chameleon.” Being able to fit into all sorts of social circles, it has enabled my continued connections to many of that time.

After a 11 year marriage, I ended up reconnecting with many from that time as a method of healing my wounded soul. I wanted to see how life had treated all of those that I genuinely cared about. I eventually started spending more and more time with one of them. At the age of 35, I was still unsure if she was giving me signs of interest, if she liked me, etc. It was like middle school all over again.

On the advice of a trusted friend, after we went to the drive-in (her kids, she and I) I planted a kiss on her as I was walking her to her door. I didn’t want to be in a state of confusion of where I stood in her life. I had to make a move. I was also legitimately worried that I had just ruined this excellent friendship she and I had been forming.

My girlfriend, also 7th grade at the same school. Middle image. We never spoke. WHY???

The constant pessimist, I assumed I would never hear from her again. I was wrong. In a couple of weeks, we will be celebrating 4 years as a couple. It’s been a wild adventure with her, but I think my life would have been much less interesting without her in it.

Had I realized I could look back on my writings 20 years later, and see the inner most thoughts of a younger version of myself, I would have started writing way back then. I hope you are reading this Gretasaur, and I hope you are smiling.

I sent Gretasaur an email and facebook message, just to say thank you. I deeply appreciate those gifts she provided the world, and I want her to be aware of that.

A Perfect Storm in my Stomach

Last Sunday, I took my princess home. We had spent the day previous at my house, just her and I. I try to give her one on one time with me, but it seems that she is starting to no longer want or need that time on as an obvious level as she once did. My little girl is growing up, and it’s breaking my heart.

I decided to spend the night at my house instead of going back to my girlfriends. I needed to wallow in my own misery a bit. Little did I realize a storm was coming.

While in bed, trying to rest for the next day of pandemic style “working from home” my stomach started twisting in knots, painfully forcing me into a fetal position. Soon enough, I’d be spending long periods of time between that pose and on the toilet, where my bowels decided to act more like a kitchen faucet than a portal to excrete solid waste. But I digress.

Rinse and repeat. This is the story of the majority of my week. It is now Friday, my days and nights are mixed up and my body is in pain from the lack of physical activity. That’s been a theme of my life in the past 5 years, not enough physical activity.

I’ve missed my girlfriend. I’ve missed her heathens (as I affectionately call them). In the last couple of days, the same thing has overcome her. When I was prepared to come back, she told me to stay where I was, and so I have.

Slow and Steady Wins, Right?

Progress on the IROC has been hard lately. I’ve been trying to bleed the rear brakes and remove the brake fluid that is highly questionable in age. I purchased a cheap vacuum bleeding system from Amazon, but it was of no help at all. I don’t really have a helper at the moment, so the solutions I have been looking at have been restricted to solo options. Then I discovered gravity bleeding.

That fluid should be almost clear

I had the bleeder valve open for almost four hours today. I’m going to open it again tomorrow for the entire day. Hopefully it will be clear then.

I’ve decided to put off replacing the brake lines now, and will put that project off until next fall. I will then paint the calipers and wheel well areas.

Sadly, I’m still working on the rear and have the entire front to do!

On another note however, I finally got my spare tire situation figured out. The 3rd Generation Camaro / Firebird has a very interesting option for the spare tire called a Stowaway Spare, and mine has it.

I had the tire, but it wasn’t installed – and the parts required to mount it were missing. eBay came to the rescue on that, where I got those parts and the tire inflator.

Spare Tire Mount Parts
GM Stowaway Spare Tire Inflator

Not too long before my father passed away, he was messing with the original one in the car. He was trying to figure out how to refill it. This is basically a CO2 canister used to fill the tire up, as it comes deflated but mounted to an aluminum wheel. I have asked my stepmom to look for it, it was in much worse shape than this one but it was original to the car, an important thing to me.

These canisters aren’t cheap to replace or find. This one cost me $100 – but with the shape it was in I couldn’t resist. I then went to work and got it all mounted. I had great difficulty mounting the canister to the wheel (how it is supposed to be). Mounting the spare in the compartment was a piece of cake though.

Snug as a Bug

Now I’m questioning where these two foam pieces go. They were in the spare tire compartment. I’ve done a lot of searching and haven’t been able to find any specs of information on the internet regarding those foam pieces.

Settling In

The last week has been interesting to say the least. I’ve been working on finding a new normal, a new routine, a new way to cope with these extraordinary times.

As one of those who still has a job but has been forced to work from home, I am thankful to still have my job. At the same time, I have much that needs to be accomplished at my actual home. A place I don’t spend much time at. The grass is growing, there are trees I need to cut down, and there is a car that needs to be finished.

So I began going “home” from my girlfriends house for work every day. Almost like a reverse commute. I have a desk there, I have dual monitors I have all of the “things” I need to do my job with much more efficiency than I do at my girlfriends home.

I used a lot of my “in between” time, which is time I’m not helping someone by scanning photos. I have an extremely large backlog of family photos and photos from my girlfriend. Ones she cares about deeply. Her album is quite literally falling apart, so I began with that, and have almost finished.

My trusty flatbed, one of 3 scanners I own

Between trying to get through this backlog of photos that has felt insurmountable for many years, the grass is certainly growing again. It’s something I actually hired out last year. The first time ever. After having a surgery that effectively removed my ability to sweat in one underarm I could not physically take the heat of the summer. I had no choice. I am not one to give up easily. I have to get back on that saddle and try again.

The Camaro has been sitting on jack stands for months now. I’ve finished replacing the rear brakes. I just did a modification to the proportioning valve that is supposed to increase the line pressure to the rear brakes, making them work better. I just need to bleed the rears, and change the sway bar bushings and end links. Then I have to begin on the front work I have planned.

I’ve had my youngest daughter with me for almost two weeks now. Her mother and I agreed on a temporary custody agreement to keep her from jumping back and forth between households. I will have her for one more week before she goes to her mothers house. Her school completely shut down at the start of this pandemic, but will re-open on the 14th of April to remote learning. For her, that means paper packets of learning activities she must do. No e-learning here. I’m happy to have had this time with her, but at the same time feel like I haven’t used it to benefit my relationship with my daughter. I’ve been away a lot, or working.

One thing I did do, was open up her ability to use e-mail. When her mother and I divorced, I created an email account for her for a multitude of reasons. I wanted her to be able to have one with her name instead of something with numbers on the end. I also wanted a way to send her messages from the heart that nobody would see. My intention was to give her the password when she graduated high school.

I successfully hid those emails I have sent her from view, but linked her email to her computer and her phone, giving her instructions on how to email her teacher that only produces a path where her teacher is emailed.

She has enjoyed this new ability, and has been writing her own pandemic journal, directly to her teacher. I think this has been helpful, as she was showing some major anxieties about her teacher. These kids miss the experience of school.

Lenny Bruce is not afraid

I must say, even though I was aware of this pandemic from it’s beginnings, I was ill prepared for it. Something I’m not all too happy about.

I was raised learning how to care for myself in any situation. Fishing, hunting and basic living skills were drilled into me at an early age. Tools such as knives, firearms and trap making are something I have deep seated knowledge of as well.

But here I sit, with no real emergency supplies of food. No water reserves on hand, or portable water filtration systems to use ground water with. No real firearms except my trusty 9mm handgun.

Taurus PT111 Millennium G2

A weapon that was confiscated from me under Indiana red flag laws due to a zealous sheriff’s deputy. It was then returned to me, along with my lifetime permit to carry a firearm after tensions were eased with my ex-wife and legal processes were able to finalize.

It’s true, these items are not something I require at this moment. They are not daily needs for survival. We are but a couple of steps away from them being as such however.

After my divorce, my 2nd Amendment Rights were stripped from me for a period of 2 years due to a couple of reasons I will not disclose here. Once all of that was over with, and the state returned my “License to Carry Handgun.” I thought I would test this approval. So I went to a gun shop and bought what is called a Stripped AR Lower Receiver. This is the only part of an AR that is truly considered a weapon, and requires a background check to purchase.

I passed the background check, I was so happy. That was really the only reason I purchased it. To see if I could. I had no major interest in building an AR-15. I had no need for one.

A year later, an opportunity presented itself where I could purchase a complete AR-15 at a steal of a price from a different gun shop just down the road from me. I sent the guy the funds and went to do the background check as soon as I could. I was denied. Wait, what? I don’t understand? The store owner provided me with paperwork on how to figure out what was causing this and how to resolve it. So I proceeded.

I was now speaking with the Department of Justice and the FBI. (Hi there). In essence, they were saying that I was put on a list. One you can never be removed from. This list (actually a database) is what denies persons from purchasing firearms in this country. I provided them with all of the legal paperwork I had including court orders from a judge to have me removed from said database. That did not matter to them. They ended with essentially stating they were done speaking with me, and any further communications should be done through my state firearms division, leaving a department name and address.

So I started speaking to them, over their own encrypted email systems. According to them, there was no problem at all. That according to my state I have my 2nd Amendment Rights without question. I kept pushing and asking but have still to this day, not received a response regarding the issue with the DOJ and FBI.

As of right now, I am simply waiting until 2022 when I can officially request that all of the records of these events be expunged. Then I will attempt another firearm purchase.

I want to be crystal clear on this fact. I am not writing this with a political perspective, and I do not want my words to be used for any political means. I am giving my personal story of how these laws and databases have affected me personally.

The panic buying, the people not listening to their governments the hoarding made me realize I was not equipped to defend myself or my family should it come to that sort of situation. So I have begun building an AR-15 from that stripped lower I purchased a couple of years ago from a licensed FFL that required a background check.

I purchased a complete lower parts kit from Palmetto State Armory, a well known supplier of firearms and firearm parts. I started building last night, I have found it as interesting as enjoyable. I haven’t worked on weapons since I was a teenager and civil war re-enacted.

So far, I have only installed the Magazine Catch, Bolt Catch and Trigger assemblies. This unit has a trigger guard built in, which many do not.

I have found that I will need an armorer’s tool in order to torque the buffer tube correctly. But I should be able to assemble this lower without any other special tools. They help, but are not required.

Once finished, I will find a pre-built upper assembly to purchase, and this weapon will be complete. All parts simply delivered to my home. No background checks. In many ways, it’s like shopping on Amazon.

I can then begin to stock things to feel comfortable in a “end of the world” situation, like MRE’s, ammunition, and a water supply.

To some, preparing for the end of the world or society is something only crazy persons do. To me being prepared is never a bad thing.