December 2019 – Page 2 – lee-lawmaster.com

New Video

That’s been a pure mess, trying to edit and finish the latest video I shot about my dad’s IROC-Z.

First, editing the video on my Macbook turned out to be a hassle without a mouse. So I tried to complete the task on my work computer. It became incredibly slow and quit on me. I lost all of my work.

So I rebuilt it using this different work build we are now using. I was having incredible difficulties being able to open any Adobe applications, and got no help from any of my co-workers on the subject. I figured it out though.

I seem to become a blubbering idiot when I film myself. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve never been a fan of video, or being in video. I’m slowly becoming more comfortable. I started this for two reasons; the kids in my life who are hopelessly addicted to YouTube and to remember my father. He was a man who loved the art of film-making from when he was young. I have large boxes that are filled with his Super8 films.

Here’s my old man, doing what he did best

I’ve primarily used Youtube to watch music videos on, I miss my MTV. I’ve learned through these kids though, and I think it makes them happy to be a part of the whole process.

Winter has come in southern Indiana, and so I’ve put the car away for the season. I have many things to upgrade however. Primarily the brakes and the suspension. I’ll also be taking the driver’s seat out to be repaired by my uncle Ed, a god in my eyes for many things.

The blubbering guy who needs a haircut

New Location, Same Hours

Thirteen years ago, Editor B gave me this blog. It’s one of the greatest gifts anyone has ever given me.

Education did me no favors as a child, and my writing skills proved this to be true. Where that system failed me, this blog gave me a gift that cannot be measured in dollars and cents. It was the gift of writing, and not for required purposes but for pleasure.

This blog has taught me new words to use in my vocabulary. It has shown me that I infamously use too many commas, it’s really a bad habit. This blog has helped me grow, this blog has helped me reflect, this blog has helped me remember.

In the time that I’ve had this blog however, life and more succinctly, electronic life has changed significantly. Blogs have primarily become a tool of the past from what I have seen. Personal websites? Most people think of the giants of Facebook and Twitter for their personal web presence.

I hope to bring that back, at least for my little corner of the Earth. For quite a while I’ve found myself receding back from “social media” and the norms of my electronic life. This is my safe space, a place where I can say my thoughts, and hide them if I don’t want the world to see them. I make the rules here, and can silence dissent.

For me, it’s not about control. It’s about silence. It’s about not seeing conflict, which I do not handle well. It’s about inner peace.

So again, thank you B. You bestowed upon me a gift that I plan to cherish for the rest of my life. You have been an amazing friend, and will continue to be a person I look up to in life. I look forward to seeing you again this summer.

Five Years

Half a decade, 60 months. But who’s counting?

That’s how long my father has been deceased. I seem to relive that morning mentally and emotionally, every year. I had just started my first full time position in almost a decade and was in training when I got the series of calls.

My dad was my hero and champion in life. Not a hero as in “I wanted to be like him” but my hero in that he stood for the same things I stood for, and as an adult, he could do them! When I was with him, I knew anything was possible.

Now I’m the adult, but nothing feels possible anymore.

Miss ya pops!

How Life Has Changed

Long foregone is the time of blog posts being what I looked forward to writing. It seems to be a thing of the past, an online journal to express ones thoughts, feelings, actions. This mystifies me, it also troubles me on a deep level.

This blog was a gift to me by one of my life’s heroes, Editor B. I grew up in a lot of ways watching his antics on local cable access. The show wasn’t exactly “suitable” for kids of my age, but I had already experienced much of what was in the show anyway. None of it was new to me.

Since then, he’s also my friend – not just a hero. My heroes in life have always been regular people. I’m not sure why people get attracted to celebrity, nor why people want to be like celebrity.

I documented much of my life between 2006 and 2015 on this blog. It’s contents hold a treasure trove of “me” in it. This also documents the change in my writing and vocabulary, as I only have an 8th grade English education. I may hold an Associate’s degree from Indiana University, but this blog helped me get there.

But life has changed for me, in significant ways that I’m still trying to figure out. I’ve found myself retreating from social media, and society. Work is no longer the adventure I loved but the thing that sustains me. My love of technology is just something I handle now. I’ve changed. I still don’t know if it’s for the better or not.

These days, I have been depleted of energy due to my ongoing skin disorder primarily. Slowly but surely I have been restoring my fathers 1988 Chevrolet Camaro IROC-Z. He purchased it new, with my stepmother eventually selling it to me after his passing.

Speaking of that, the anniversary of his death is approaching. It’s placed me into a bit of a downward spiral emotionally. He was the singular true champion of my life. Since then, so much has happened that only his voice, his mind, and his actions would have helped me with.

I have my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years, I have my daughters, and I have my ROX friends. I also have lots of online friends, but that hole in my life from the loss of my father still weighs heavily on my soul. Many times, I still feel lost and completely alone, even when surrounded by many who care for and love me. It’s baffling, and mightily frustrating.

I will be moving this blog to a new domain soon per Editor B’s polite ask. I dare not remove this archive of my life from the Internet. I will always want this as a place to let those inner thoughts out, to show progress on projects, and to give a written record of the life I have led. I would have loved my father having something such as this in his time. I don’t know where it will move to yet, but it will be something that signifies me.