October 2015 – Page 2 – lee-lawmaster.com

She’s Moved On

6 weeks ago, my partner of 14 years and my wife of 11 filed for divorce. The reasons are varied, and according to her it’s something that must be done. I simply see it as giving up. Giving up on a lifelong vow, giving up on a family, giving up on a relationship and giving up on a person.

I’m not going to go on and on about how she shouldn’t do this, how I want her back, or anything like that because it won’t do me any good. It’ll only add hurt to a soul who’s been tortured his entire life.

The big reason for the divorce is trust. We have destroyed that in each other. Secondly, she no longer loves me. The why part is hard to digest and hard to explain. She’s fallen for the charms of another man, one who has just divorced himself. Rebound anyone?

All requirements for the divorce to be finalized are completed except for a 60 day waiting period and a judges’ signature. There is no going back. We have split everything up except for our home of 9 years, which I am trying to save. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I am trying to get a couple of room mates to help me pay for the mortgage and utilities, as well as trying to do something to lower the mortgage payment by any means necessary.

If that plan fails, our home will simply go back to the bank and I will be on the other side of that door. I will be seeking a room to rent, as I certainly cannot afford to rent even a 1 bedroom apartment in this town anymore. This is the reality of my life now.

People try to help, but many of their words hurt more than help. Telling me to “love my children” does the opposite of helping me. I see my children and I see 2 failures in my life. I see the 2 women who loved me, but decided to love someone else instead. I see 2 relationships and 2 families that are irrevocably damaged. I see 2 children who will (and have) have to endure the same things I never wanted for my children, at all costs. The moving back and forth, the split holidays, the split everything. Because of that, I feel like I failed them. I can’t let them know, but that’s how I feel inside.

A lot of people wonder why fathers abandon their children. It’s just a guess, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a common thought with divorced and separated fathers. No, I’m not abandoning my children. Do I want to see them and love them? Not really at this time, it hurts more than seeing the face of my soon to be ex. It’s as if I have to remove those memories from my brain in order to move forward, a hard but not impossible task.

I was pretty fortunate as a child, and I believe my children are as well. The 1 and only thing I wanted for them was to have a “nuclear” family. The 1 thing I never got. The 1 thing I’ll apparently never be able to provide them.

Life goes on however, and so will I.

Baby Maker: Offline

On Thursday I underwent a procedure that eliminates my ability to have anymore children, called a vasectomy.

Sexual health and responsibility is something that is often placed on women, entirely. I know that throughout my entire life, it has been that way. My mother had a tubal ligation after the birth of my sister, and I’ve always relied on the women in my life for that responsibility. I didn’t actively refuse, it just happened that way.

Children are often called a blessing in life, and I totally agree. They however were never an “active” thought for me. They just happened. I never “wanted” children in my mind, I did welcome them into my life however. Some may not like to hear that opinion from a father, but it’s how I’ve always felt. Over the years I’ve had to, or have been asked to censor myself, but no more.

I have 2 daughters, and I’m almost 35. I don’t want anymore children, and it’s only fair and proper that I take a stance on that. I’m also never getting married again, but that’s another tale for another post.

I was quite nervous for the procedure. I’ve had numerous surgeries and procedures done on me over the years, but nothing in the general vicinity. I was prescribed a pain pill and xanax to take 30 minutes before the procedure to calm me and help. They certainly did. I knew a needle would be entering my scrotum to dispense a general anesthetic. This was the part that concerned me the most, I’m not sure why because I didn’t even feel it. The urologist then cut a small hole into my scrotum and pulled my vasa deferentia out, one at a time. He then clamped each one individually, cleared some nerve endings off them. He then cut them in 2 places and cauterized both of them and placed them back. He then placed a couple of disovable stitches on the hole. Procedure done.

I asked if I could keep the 2 inch long piece of each of my vas deferens that he had snipped, but unfortunately he had to keep them for “legal reasons.” It would have been nice to keep that piece of myself for some interesting reason.

While I technically can no longer deliver fresh sperm to an egg, I can cause a pregnancy for 3 months, as the sperm like to hang on for dear life. So I have to give a sample in 3 months to ensure infertility. I have also read in some parts of the internet that a yearly test is a good idea as well.

It was literally easier as far as pain goes than getting blood drawn. I’m surprised every man doesn’t have this done at some point their life. With the Affordable Healthcare Act, this procedure is paid for 100% by insurance, making it even more of a no brainer.

For the first 36 hours or so, I became close friends with 3 bags of frozen peas. As of today, I still have a little pain, but have given the peas a break. I’ve been a bump on a log and stayed on my couch.

I look forward to not worrying about the potential of becoming a father, because I did something about it.

The Brightest Burn Out the Quickest

My father was the person who never gave up on me in life. Due to his own personal issues, I faced a lot of pain and mental anguish but he was always there and never questioning. When I became an adult, I made the realization that he was doing the best he could with the tools he had and forgave any transgressions I had.

From as early as I can remember, he was my buddy. We did everything together. I formed a lot of myself in his image. To this day people that knew him even sometimes call me by his name.

He gave me gifts that I still treasure to this day. The love of the open road, the beauty of music and comedy and I’m just starting to embrace his love of being a people person.

He was an amazing grandparent and loved his grand daughters more than I ever knew he could. While he was nervous with Taylor, primarily because he never had a daughter. But when Amelia came around, he welcomed her with open arms. It was a beautiful thing to see them love each other in the way a grandparent-grandchild should. It was one of the things that actually gave me a deep love for having children.

Dad grew up without a father, and very poor. While he never spoke with me about it directly, I can only imagine that is why he was such a good father and provider for me. He always jumped head first into anything I became excited about and would support me in any way doing so. I often question my own parenting abilities based on his example.

He was a hard working man his entire life, working sometimes 36 hours straight while I was a child. The last decade of his life he worked in a custodial role at IU at night, while taking film classes at IU during the day. A passion he had and kept his entire life. He dreamed of becoming a Stanley Kubrick. He became a kid with the thoughts of the film making process. He loved using his grand daughters as subjects for his films.

When I got my first full time job in 8 years, dad was so proud that he made an announcement in front of our family at Thanksgiving. That would be the last time I saw my father alive.

My stepmother, for whom many of my struggles as a child were caused by did a complete turn and seemed genuine for the first time since I can remember. She involved me in much of the process, and paid for everything. She provided me with an inheritance and I am now the proud owner of dad’s truck. Most of my memories of him were of our times in a vehicle. So it means a lot to me.

We were never a father/son combo that said “I Love You” to each other much. It was just always known and didn’t have to be said. But I wanted to see it and be reminded of it for the rest of my life. So I found a card that he wrote to me while I was at a camp as a teenager, and got the words he wrote tattooed on my left forearm.

Try to do me proud. This is ol’ Dad signing off. Love, Dad

Looking back, his death was a watershed moment in my life. It was the moment when I decided that I no longer wanted my mother in my life. Even though she was the only parent I had left. It was the moment when I felt like much of the world I had built around me wasn’t as genuine as it appeared. He was the glue that held many things in my life together, without him those walls started falling.

Rest in peace dad. You star was very bright, and I know it’s shining down on me. I miss you, and will so forever.

I’m Back!

After a very long hiatus, I’m back!

Much has happened in my life, too much to write in one post really. So I’m going to give a summary of sorts and then expound on the issues. Writing is therapy for me, and I need lots of therapy right now.

First of all, my wife and I of 11 years are divorcing. The reasons are varied and many. It’s the primary cause of the therapy I need, the things I need to get out. She and I both did things that hurt each other, and destroyed our trust in each other.

Secondly, I got a vasectomy today. In todays day and age, it’s important for men to take reigns in on their sexuality and responsibility for that. After a test in 3 months to ensure of it, my baby making days are over.

Last but certainly not least, my father passed away last year in December. To me it was the beginning of the end. From there, as the Star Trek quote goes “chakka, and the walls fell.” His death was really a watershed moment in my life.

I have some motivations to keep my mind off of the emotional and physical pain right now. I’m trying to save my home. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I’ve put the last 9 years of blood, sweat and tears into this home and don’t want to give up on it lightly. I’ve documented a lot of the work on this blog. I’m currently trying to find people to rent out a couple of rooms from me.

I’m also trying to rediscover myself. I gave my all to this marriage and lost the true meaning of me. I’ve reconnected with my old friends and they have really helped me find the me within. I miss that guy.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. so eloquently stated, “If you can’t fly run, if you can’t run walk, if you can’t walk crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

My eyes are on just that, when they aren’t full of tears.