Suddenly this week, my soon to be ex-wife left her position at IU. She didn’t leave for another position, she just left. She had a good paying position in what I always thought of as a prestigious department. In her 13 years at IU, she started as a temp worker then landed a job at the Kelley School of Business in their MBA program, then moving to Informatics and then where she was (which I will not name), then became the VP of the Bloomington Professional Staff Council, which she recently resigned her duties from.
I was very proud of her professionally. She embodied everything I hoped to be in life. I was not jealous, just proud. I was proud to be her husband, and I’m sad to no longer be.
I don’t know how to take this news. I’ve been a flood of emotions about it myself. The only thing I want in my heart is for her to go out and do this thing she’s so hell-bent on doing, and see that guy she left is the same guy she married and upon seeing that, want to come back to me. Of course my mind knows this is more than likely a dream, if I could only get those two organs to speak to each other, I wouldn’t be such a split man right now.
She’s a smart, and strong woman. I know she will get back on her feet quickly, or at least I hope she does.
I’m not sure how long it’s been since I’ve written about my health issues. Today I had surgery to replace the battery on my Vagus Nerve Stimulator. It’s primary function is to control my epilepsy, and has been the only thing that has kept my seizures under control.
This is the 3rd time I’ve had this surgery, as the batteries last on average between 5 and 7 years. The surgery went better than I had expected it to. I actually woke up from anesthesia this time without any issues, which surprises me. I really like the stuff. The biggest difference is that they did not suture me this time, and instead used derma bond, which is essentially superglue. I have basically no pain.
The model I now have is upgraded. It has on board diagnostics and even monitors my heart rate and activates automatically if a seizure is detected.
By textbook terminology, I am a cyborg because of this implant.
Today has been almost like what my new life will be. Alone.
My former parents’ in-law came today and took those pavers they had wanted to so badly.
I stayed up until almost 5am in the hopes that I would sleep until they had all left, unfortunately my bladder couldn’t hold out.
So I got up and relieved myself and hoped to go back to sleep. I couldn’t. What I heard was very interesting however.
My soon to be ex-wife finally told her parents just what she’s doing. They were obviously not happy about it. Her mom said “You are rushing things, and it’s not good.” Most of the time, I wouldn’t agree with her mother – but I do on this. She’s running, and I wished she would just tell me what she running from or to.
Once they left, I hit the road and went to my other ex’s to see my daughter and get away. We talked and had some good times. Once my current wife and daughter left, I went back home. I’ve been watching Netflix and getting used to the beauty of the silence in my home.
It’s dark, and depressing. It’s my new normal. Thankfully Netflix does a good job of helping me escape. I know there’s a big chunk of me that needs to do just that right now, I just worry about being stuck in this world.
The packing of things has commenced, and it’s made me extremely depressed. Most of the things that genuinely made this house our home are packed or in the process of being packed away.
It began last night. I picked up my eldest daughter, and we had a nice family meal and then spent the entire evening packing up her room. She didn’t want to take much home, I’ll keep her things until I can either restore her room to the way it was or she gets her own place. The 1 thing I provided that child that made me proud was stability. I was able to do that for almost 14 years. She never had a question about anything at her dads. Now all of that has gone out the window.
Tomorrow my ex-in law’s are driving 180 miles round trip, to retrieve about $10 in concrete pavers they gave us. I really don’t get it at all. It’s just 1 item that’s quickly becoming a laundry list of things that I’ll have to replace.
My TV, which lately has become my gateway to escape via Netflix is being taken from me. I specced it out, and it’s the first flat screen HDTV that I’ve ever been able to call mine. She’s taking it, god knows that she doesn’t need it where she’s going. So I bought a new one tonight, a UHD (ultra high-definition) one. I really shouldn’t have, but it felt so good.
Also tomorrow she’s also taking our daughter to meet her new “family” as I like to call it. (this is the part of this post where I get a bit hasty). They’re going to go bowling (all 7 of them) and then my daughter is going to learn about where she’ll be living. That mommy is going to be sleeping, kissing and doing god knows what else with someone who isn’t daddy, and that she’ll be living 30 miles away from everything she’s ever known in life. I should put her in counseling now, and save the adult version of her from thinking this is normal behavior, running from a marriage into a serious relationship.
What my soon to be ex-wife is doing just blows my mind. I shouldn’t concern myself with her anymore, and I shouldn’t even ponder these things but I can’t help it. I vowed my life to her. I don’t want to see her unhappy, and I don’t want to see her in an environment that isn’t conducive to her happiness. That is what it seems like she is doing however.
I do have some good news though, the thing that I thought would be impossible actually is possible! I have a very good chance at saving my home, and on my own. So I’m taking that opportunity and seeing where it leads me. I’ve changed insurance companies, as our homeowners policy had doubled in price in just 2 years. I’m doing a lot of cost cutting, and it feels nice.
The future looks bright, but the present is so dark. She said that she wanted this divorce so “we could heal the damage we have done to each other”. Let me repeat, those are the words she spoke. Her track record with her actions haven’t been matching those words at all. Time will only tell if they do. I’m not expecting them to, but it’s the only thing my heart wants.
I never read the book, but I did see the 1992 film that’s roughly based on it. I’m starting to feel a lot like Lennie as of late. I seem to be excellent at ruining any good things I have in life through actions that seem harmless to me. The results of my actions never bring good things, the things I hoped. They always bring the opposite.
The world is becoming more dark, and more scary to me lately. I don’t know what to say about it, but it makes me want to hide in my shell and never come out again. That is my current plan.
I had to say goodbye to a friend who’s been a breath of fresh air and at times the only person to give me a dose of reality. Her husband has decided that he no longer wants to be a man, and in turn no longer wants her. She came here for him, and this morning began the journey all the way across the country to where she came from. I’ll miss her greatly. I didn’t get to actually see her much, as our schedules just didn’t sync that much, but our talks were always a great motivator for me.
My motivations in life are currently focused on saving my home. People are over rated at this point. My hangup is that my connections to others have always made me feel whole, like a regular person. I need to learn to love the freak I am within. I shall drown my sorrows in whiskies and Netflix. It’s a good distraction, and distraction is the only thing that is going to help me through life at this point.
I don’t need to change myself and “be” something for someone. I don’t need to look for someone, I don’t want to anyway. It just really hurts when being yourself is given the same negative reactions that caused me to be anti-social in the first place.
My biggest hangup is that I honestly don’t know what makes “me” happy anymore. I gave everything of my being to my marriage. What made me happy was to see my wife and children happy. To bring them happiness, made me happy. I’m loss as to how to change that.
So there you have it. I feel like a socially awkward, mentally disabled 35-year-old who kills the things he loves the most. I’m emotionally damaged to the point where I can’t understand how that can possibly change.
I have to learn how to live with that or it will destroy me.
Yesterday, I became something I never thought I would be, a landlord. I don’t know how to think of it exactly. I’m just trying to save my house, but I know I can’t do it on my own. I’ve been talking to this guy for a while now, he’s in the area for a while on some family business.
Now to find a 2nd tenant, as much as I’d love to just have 1 room mate, I can’t really swing it that way, as my income will soon be dropping by $200 a month.
I have a prospect, but I’m unsure if the reward is worth the risk with this one. It’s my (now get ready for this) ex step aunt’s son, or could be explained as my half sister’s cousin. He is supposedly a high functioning person with autism. His mom called me and said that she wants him to be a little more independent and leave the nest.
I worry that his mom might take that as an invite to be a 2nd tenant, and want me to take over all of his needs. I have enough on my plate, I’m just renting out space here I have enough projects in life.
I’m working on several angles at the moment. I have 2 upcoming job interviews that could potentially take some of the pressure off of me. While I do enjoy the role I’m in currently, I know it’s just a stepping stone for me. I’m also trying to get my mortgage payment lowered. I’m also going to see if I can get my escrow account closed and pay for my insurance and taxes directly. My mortgage payment isn’t really the issue, it’s that escrow account.
The reality of my new life is starting to become actuality. It scares me.
I had quite the adventure yesterday. My high school sweetheart and mother of my eldest daughter, asked me if I wanted to go out-of-town with her. She and I are on really good terms and due to my situation I’m always looking for a reason to escape. So I agreed.
Her niece, who will always be a niece to me was in some trouble. She was practically being held captive in her baby daddy’s parents’ home. They took her car keys, shut off her cell phone and even made it so she couldn’t access wireless internet from within the home. She was made a prisoner from within the home she’s lived in for the past year.
She has a daughter and is pregnant with their son’s child. Her relationship with him has been on the rocks, and they gave her an eviction notice, effective November 1st. I can’t even comprehend this fully. Is this how you treat the mother of your grandchildren?
When my ex and I were together, it was a tradition of sorts for her and I to watch her (she was under 10 at the time) every NYE. It was weird to be a teenager and feel at ease to play family for a night, but they are fond memories that I genuinely cherish.
She lives almost 4 hours away, so we left my house at 8am and started on the journey. We had lots of talks and connection between the 2 of us. We’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve smoothed them out over the years and are really good friends and co-parents. We still struggle with some things our daughter does (or doesn’t do), but we are proud of the person she has become on the inside. If she would only bring those amazing qualities out for the world to see.
So we get there, and get a uhaul truck and drive to the location where K is staying. I’ll keep her name is as that. We pull into the driveway and one of the homeowners tell us to get off the property, so we oblige. My ex and the homeowner then get into a somewhat heated shouting match. I’m not there to do anything but move stuff, but it’s even stressful on me.
My ex calls the police, and they show up. The guy is from Bloomington and graduated from BHS (when Bloomington only had 1 high school). He then tells us that he knows the homeowners. K comes out, and they lock the door behind her, at first they refuse to let her get any of her things.
Again, I don’t understand.
After a standoff of sorts, things start to come. At first I wasn’t sure how little or how much we would get. We eventually filled an entire uhaul truck. I was kinda shocked at the amount of stuff she had.
We then quickly unloaded most of it into a storage unit K had purchased and then went to dinner with K and the on again off again boyfriend and her daughter. My ex had them do a birthday thing for me (which embarrasses the hell out of me) but it was quick, and she’s fun. She bought me dinner too, I’m appreciative.
By this time it was 6:30pm and the ex and I were on our last bits of energy. We were tired and still had almost a 4 hour drive home. We got to the place where K was going, and had to unload the rest of the truck up 3 flights of stairs. She and I were ruined by that. We dropped the truck back off at uhaul.
I made a big mistake when we dropped the truck off. I had found an 80’s station and this infectious tune came on. I cranked it up and it took all the pain and frustration from the day away for me. I had turned the cab and cargo area lights on so my ex could clean it out, locked the doors and forgot to turn them off. She put the keys in the drop off and we had no way to turn them back off.
We then finally made the journey home. I made it home right around 11:30pm, and took a shower and went to bed.
The lesson here? I had a full day, and I accomplished something. It was selfless, it was for someone I love. I’m starting to really feel like an adult (weird to finally think that at 35, I know). Don’t worry, be happy. It’s a new way to look at life.
To give props to Ice Cube, I haven’t had to use my AK because today has been a good day.
I woke myself up this morning via my alarm clock. Something I haven’t had to really do in many years, as my wife preferred to wake me up. It was nice to feel her hand touch me to let me know the morning was here, time to get ready for the day.
I’m starting to appreciate the things that I no longer have. It hurts my soul tremendously.
I came to work, and it’s been a good day so far (still have 4 hours). I have a couple of errands to run after. I’m not stressed, I’m not highly emotional. I’m in a state that’s hard to describe at best.
The best thing I can do at this point is remember the good times, and try to forget the bad ones. I’m losing the best thing that has ever happened to me. They say when one door closes another one opens. For me, this has never been true. It’s always been a situation where I’m trapped in that room until I can find a way to get out of it.
I’m trying my hardest to not be trapped. That’s what has made today a good day.
UPDATE: Of course I was being way too optimistic in my post. I ended up getting my theoretical AK out, and we had a full on argument. I think there is much built up inside the both of us, and knowing the fact that neither of us like to argue – we go all out over IM. The wise part of me knows that no healing will begin until we get those frustrations out, whatever the outcome may be.
A few months ago, I purchased my second handgun. This is the first public mention of it. The model to be exact is a Taurus P111 G2, chambered in 9mm. It’s a great compact concealed carry weapon. I happen to be a firm believer in the 2nd amendment, but I do believe certain views of it are outdated and some change needs to happen.
I was raised with weapons all around me, and have always been a natural with whatever firearm I shoot. Whether it be a handgun, an AK-47 or a shotgun. I’m a good aim. With that much power, comes responsibility. I’m a responsible firearm owner, and hold human life higher than anything else and would only take a life in the defense of another. I wanted to join the military but a diagnosis of epilepsy at 16 prevented that from happening.
With the number of mass shootings in this country skyrocketing by the day, I sometimes don’t feel safe anywhere I go. I had a gun pulled on me in my early 20s by someone who can only be best described as a hoodlum. It scared me right to a gun shop. The fact that I work at a very large geographical location that bans weapons from being held by anyone but police? I don’t want to die at my job because someone didn’t like the support we gave them just like I don’t want to die while watching a movie.
As a part of the purchase of the firearm, I was given a free 1 year membership to the NRA (National Rifle Association). I took it, and accepted a subscription to one of their magazines, called “America’s 1st Freedom.” At first glance, I just received the 2nd one today this is a magazine filled with very right-wing values. Any views or stances against a militarized population who has access to full automatic weapons seems to be against their views.
I joined to get an insider’s perspective, and while I totally understand the whole left/right perspective to get a middle consensus, this is just unhealthy. They seem to be a breeding ground for the mental issues that seem to be the majority of reasons for the mass shootings I spoke of earlier. You would totally think than an organization such as the NRA would want a healthy talk of different viewpoints, and healthier individuals sending their message across the country. This is not the feeling I get from their literature.
Regardless your views, without weapons we would not have been able to overthrow the British. It’s only right that we have the same capabilities in proportion if actual government tyranny were to happen again.
My view is pretty simple and understandable. Wouldn’t criminals be very leery of committing crimes if they knew a majority of individuals were armed? It’s not about being loud and proud. It’s about being silent and at the ready, much like the minutemen of the 18th century. You only get one life, and I don’t want mine ending for reasons other than my body being finished.
I’m in a mood to just get a lot of things out. They may not be clear thoughts, they may not be proper thoughts. They are however my thoughts. My mind destroys me at times, I’ve been told it’s a common Scorpio trait.
I’ve had 2 serious romantic relationships in my life. In those relationships, the female was always very quick to take the lead on just about everything. I just seemed to be there for the ride. Hindsight is 20/20, but it’s definitely a part of the equation in the breakdown of my marriage and previous relationship.
My love affair with technology is too much for women to handle at times. Why? My computer never judges me for not earning enough. My computer never makes me feel like a bad father because X, Y, or Z are doing things with their children that I do not. If you want to make me feel judged, I will hide. My flight instinct is the strong one.
Going back to hindsight, I should have divorced her when I discovered her secret email account containing her relationships with other men. Of course I couldn’t though, because I loved this woman with everything of my being. So stupidly I offered an open marriage as a choice. Not because I wanted to but because I’m horrible with ultimatums.
I’m still paying the price for that decision. I will be doing so for the rest of my days.
I should have never became paranoid that she was going to leave me, the present is proof of it. This turned me into a monster of epic proportions. Key loggers, hidden cameras, constant surveillance. I used my IT skills for evil for the first time in my life really. It became a cat and mouse game. I just wanted to ensure I got the truth. I still firmly believe I’ve only gotten half-truths since I’ve given up my ways.
That’s the other part of the equation in the break down in our marriage. It’s hard for either of us to believe a thing the other says.
Today has been somewhat heated between her and I for some reason, and I’m not exactly sure why. Is it the culmination of all of these things floating around my brain? Possibly. Is it the fact that I feel very alone in the world right now? More than likely. It’s come to the point where a bad interaction is better than no interaction at all.
I’d rather have a fist fight than make love. It’s sad, but it’s what has become of me.
